Photo: Showtime

'Oh My God, My Dad Tried To Kill You!' 'Whatever. Let's Dance!'

And other more-accurate descriptions of Queer As Folk's first season.

  • Brian Meets Cute With Justin Set To That Song From Dance Dance Revolution And Then Gives Michael The "Let's Keep Going, Thelma" Speech While On Top Of A Hospital Roof Set To The Theme Song From The Biggest Loser
  • Lots Of Characters Tell Lots Of Other Characters That Brian Is A Piece Of Shit, And Then Brian Acts Like A Piece Of Shit. (Part 1 Of A Million)
  • Mel's Mad At Brian For Leaving Her With "A House Full Of Cold Cuts And An Uncircumcised Son." A Club Remix Of "Let's Hear It For The Boy" Out-Gays Everyone
  • Brian Wakes Ted Out Of His Coma By Having Sex With A Doctor In His Hospital Room, Increasing The Mythological Power Of His Penis
  • Michael Continues To Trick His Co-Workers At Q Mart Into Thinking He's Straight While Hal Sparks Continues To (Unconvincingly) Trick Viewers Into Thinking He's Gay
  • Emmett Describes The Plot Of The Mirror Has Two Faces While Wearing A Floppy Orange Kangol
  • "Oh My God, My Dad Tried To Kill You!" "Whatever. Let's Dance!"
  • A Car Salesman Tells Brian That Only Fags Drive Jeeps (?) So He Drives A Jeep Through The Dealership Window And Nobody Arrests Him Or Anything! Then He Takes Justin In, Gets Annoyed With Him, Tries To Give Him Back To His Parents, Gets Annoyed With Them, And Then Brings Justin Back Home With Him Again
  • Somebody At Babylon Thought It Would Be Funny To Convince Everyone That It's Really Sexy To Dance With Hula Hoops! Emmett Imagines That His Online Profile, PITTS9x6, Comes To Life, And Nobody Diagnoses Him With A Brain Tumor
  • A Road Trip To Chelsea! An Eerily Accurate Psychic Drag Queen! A BRUNCH MONTAGE!
  • It's Michael's Birthday So Obviously Brian Acts Like A Sociopath And Tries To Ruin His Life But It's Okay Because Debbie Figures Out That It Was All An Elaborate Plan To Get Michael Back Together With David, To Which Brian Twirls His Invisible Moustache And Mutters, "Exactly...That's Exactly What I Meant To Do"
  • Michael's Coworker Prints Out And Reads A Chain Email Titled "Ten Signs That Your Husband Is Gay" Proving That The Early 2000s Are Even More Dated Than The '80s At This Point
  • Mel Cheats On Lindsey With The Love Child Of Kim Cattrall And Jennifer Coolidge. Emmett Does Not Cheat On His Creepy Cult With Lead Actor Of The Legal Drama Twelve Horny Men, Zack O'Tool
  • This Show Could Really Just Be Forty-Four Minutes Of Debbie And Vic Doing The Hustle
  • Brian Finds Out That His Dad Has Cancer And Then Goes To A Leather Party Where Somebody Comes Up To Him And Is All "I'll Be Your Daddy" And Then Brian's All "I Don't Need A Fucking Daddy" And We Laugh And Laugh And Laugh
  • Lindsey Moves In With A French Douche Bag And David Wants To Take Michael To Paris, So This Week's Theme Is France?
  • Michael Is A Snotty Ass-Hat So Vic And Emmett Dress Up Like Quentin Crisp And Jackie O, Respectively, To Teach Him A Lesson
  • Emmett Might Have Had Sex With Tom Cruise In A Bathhouse In L.A. Last Year And He's Just Now Getting Around To Telling Everybody About It
  • The Woman Playing Brian's Mother Acts More During Her Line Delivery Of "Please Be Sure To Thank Your Mother For The Sandwich Platter" Than The Rest Of The Cast Does The Entire Season
  • Uh Oh. Emmett Still Has A Brain Tumor. Now He Hears Music From The Nutcracker Every Time He Sees This Matt Bomer-Lookin' Muthafucka
  • Brian And Michael Both Might Leave Pittsburgh, Allowing Us To Dream Fondly Of Alternative Second Season In Which Neither Appears
  • Brian Is Denied The Poetic Justice Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation By Hermes Scarf