Phillippe Bosse / ABC

Quantico Stops And Stalls

Why can't they just name the terrorist already?! And other semi-burning questions.

Okay, so here's the deal, lovelies: there are only so many times I can repeat myself. So from here on out, the questions "Why are the Haases allowed to run so many off-book ops?" and "Why did [character who's supposed to be smart] just do [this dumb action]?" are officially retired. The answer to both has always been, and probably always will be, "because the writers say so for contrived plot purposes" so let's not waste any more time trying to find logic where none exists.

Caleb and Clayton's super-secret and super-dumb Sistemics op is officially over before it officially began, with Caleb and his Mark Raymond spy glasses ultimately recording just the semi-confession the FBI needs to pressure the cult leader into giving up his tax exemptions. Yay team! Way not to investigate the thing where Caleb's cult friend was probably coerced into committing suicide. You know who would never let something like that go? Alex. Or Miranda. Or Shelby. Because those stubborn ladies aren't afraid to get their hands dirty by writing $500,000 checks in order to infiltrate secret cult gatherings, or concerned about damaging their (really bad) press-on nails in order to tap out some Morse code and pass on a super-secret message. Sure, in Shelby's case the message is basically just "I love you, Alex!" but still: the ladies on this show are the ones who get stuff done. It just that sometimes "get stuff done" and "mess stuff up because the plot demanded it" are the same thing.

"How can a place called Hell's Kitchen be nicer than Queens?"

Welcome to New York, NATs! Now that it's been announced that production is moving to New York next season, I'm sure a lot of the cast (and hopefully the hair stylists!) will find themselves asking this very question. No one knows the answer, really; current neighborhood names date back to approximately the time Leo was fighting Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York, but everything is really just a rumor. Two fun facts, though: New York has neighborhoods named both Chelsea and Clinton, and shooting in the actual city makes it approximately 1000% easier to avoid the cheesy green-screen setups this specific episode relies so heavily on. Sure, it will mean hiring stunt doubles to rappel down actually city buildings and shutting down a street or two in the process, but that's nothing we don't already have to do for, say, Gotham anyway. So peace out, Canada! Alex Parrish is about to be schooled by Jessica Jones.

Why does Alex have an 8x10 of Shelby handy?

That's weird, right? That Alex can just pull out a headshot of her former best friend from a random drawer at a moments notice? She literally doesn't have a single framed photograph in her entire apartment, but can pull out a reference photo for Shelby's ex-boyfriend more easily than she can find the dude a spare pillowcase. Maybe she "borrowed" it from Shelby's FBI file? Does the Bureau even keep hard copies in field offices anymore? The mind reels.

Why is Iris still at Quantico?

Can you be an FBI agent without a security clearance? What was the point of specifically holding her back last episode, if it wasn't to get rid of her now? She hasn't popped up in the present timeline yet (though neither has Jacob Artist), but I just don't see her being the terrorist; all of her actions so far have been to either spoil or further a subplot and the writers' clearly haven't put enough thought into her character for her to be the big bad.

If Caleb's not faking his addiction, shouldn't he be in a medical facility?

Not to knock the amenities of Alex's couch and bathroom, but it was just last episode that Mama Haas claimed Caleb nearly died from withdrawal multiple times, so handcuffing him to a radiator and hoping for the best doesn't seem like the best option for someone with such a heavy dependency. His cold sweats mean that he's not exactly helping Alex anyway, so not checking him into an ER under the fake alias he's already established just seems neglectful.

It took a week and a half for anyone to suspect Nathalie's "family emergency"?

Some friends these NATs are; not one person sent Nathalie a text to make sure she's okay? If her adorable mom didn't haul ass to Ryan's favorite coffee truck, no one would be the wiser, which is a pretty sad commentary on the personal life of the departed. She had a young daughter and an ex with a history of abuse, and not one FBI buddy thought to check on her sudden disappearance? Not cool.

How great does Miranda look?

Seriously, leaving Quantico and (probably?) Charlie behind has done wonders for her; boss lady looks hot in her grey pinstripe sheath dress and red glasses. We didn't need further proof that Liam's an idiot, but damn, Liam's an idiot for letting her go.

Will we get more Marshall Freed?

It's a delight to finally watch someone be so morosely grumpy. This dude has clearly seen some shit, and he's lost all patience for people with a rose-colored view of the FBI. He's what this show needs, both in terms of tone and commentary; no other character could get away with being so not politically correct with their observations. He's a great catalyst for developing the twins into more nuanced personalities, so it would suck to never see him again.

When did Shelby find out about Caleb being undercover?

Assuming the gap between the flashbacks and present timeline is closing up -- and it better be, with only three episodes left -- the sequence of the Shelby/Caleb relationship is this: meet, hook up, break up, get back together, find out about Shelby's family, break up again post-Caleb's undercover Sistemics takedown, Shelby's secret affair with Clayton, see each other for the first time in months post-OG Grand Central bombing. So when do they fill in the blanks? Logic says it must be sometime between the two bombings, since Caleb went off the deep end after watching Clayton die, but there was never an indication of them being back together. Did Shelby discover the truth while working for/hooking up with Clayton? How did Shelby contact Caleb about the Voice if they were still on the outs? Unless is this all a part of Mama Haas's master plan because she's the real terrorist, nothing about this timing makes sense.

We're done with Drew now, yes?

Good. CTE is terrible and important to understand, but its implications belong to a Frank Gifford (or OJ Simpson?) 30 For 30. Not to mention the fact that the character is so boring Alex's hair literally deflates when he's around.

Why do Alex and Shelby think they can get from Williamsburg to East Harlem in time to catch the terrorist?

That trip is at least a 40-minute Uber or more (it's easily an hour by subway), so why do they think they can just storm the church and find the terrorist still in the same location? Wouldn't it have been smarter to call in backup, even if it were just to tip off the NYPD? Isn't this the type of question I swore above that I would stop asking, because the obvious answer is because they needed Will to die from radiation poisoning in front of them, so that they'd have evidence of the terrorist's super-cool new nuke?

Is Miranda still Team Alex?

TBD, but chances are now 30/70 that she's either in on the terrorism or going to cause Alex unintentional trouble next week.

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