Hide Your Children, It's Project Runway's Bathing Suit Challenge!
The contestants are each challenged to design a bathing suit for Heidi. Is anyone successful? No!
This week's challenge sees Parsons transform into Frau Klum's Sweatshop for Wayward Gays and Ladies as she forces the designers to make a swimsuit and cover-up that would fit in with her existing line. The winner will get his or her outfit manufactured and possibly cheated out of thousands of dollars in royalties. Ageless warlock Tim Gunn reveals the challenge by coming out in cute swim trunks and a comical stripe of zinc oxide on his nose.
He still looks cute and I bet got lots tail in his prime during the War of 1812.
Cornelius is very visibly shaken during the challenge announcement: he reveals that he's never sewn a swimsuit, and acts like he's being asked to design a swimsuit made out of his family's skin. I understand it's something new and boobs are scary but with $100,000 on the line, MAKE IT WORK! (And in the end, he doesn't even end up registering as great or terrible, so he needs to settle down, in general.)
The contestants also each get to design their own textile to use as their main fabric. Every single original textile print from every season of this show has been ugly as fuck, and tonight they are no different. Rik has an interesting black and white geometric pattern that looks like the arcade game Asteroids. Tasha's print straight up looks like a more rigid La Croix can art. They're all terrible and ugly and no woman would be caught dead wearing any article of clothing with anyone's print. Don't believe me? Let's count down the looks from best to worst and you can see for yourself.
Obvious winner from the second it walked out the runway.
The print, while still ugly, is used perfectly, and the cover-up comes off flawlessly. A lot of the designers have problems with how the pattern lands on the cooch, but Rik made the smart decision to place the largest shapes down the middle so that it doesn't look like a censor bar on his model's vagina.
The judges loved the shape of the suit and how it goes with the cover-up.
To me, it looks like the old optical illusion "is this a vase or two men looking at each other?," which is interesting on paper but bizarre on a human woman.
I don't get it at all.
The bathing suit is nice, if very safe. The cover-up, on the other hand, looks like Betsy Ross cosplay. The weird draping and huge white panels are straight out of backwoods snake handling Pentecostal church wear. When the cover-up is open it looks fine, but closed, it's what you wear when your cult leader takes you to look at the ocean one last time before everyone kills themselves.
Thank god her model has a smaller bust, because that top is about two inches away from being pasties attached to rubber bands.
The coverall is nonexistent and the pattern is definitely Japanese menu, but at least it makes logical sense, which is more than you can say about the bottom two.
The way the pattern is cut on the top makes it look like her cleavage is pulsing. The print belongs on a hospital scrub or a tissue box. The coverup is a belt/harem pant. The straps for the bottom will give you the weirdest sunburn ever recorded by science. It's a 100% failure from top to bottom, but at least it's an interesting failure, which is a lot more than we can say for the loser.
When someone says at the beginning of the episode that she's never been judged, go ahead an edit the contestant progression grid on Wikipedia to indicate that she got eliminated.
This print makes zero sense on a bathing suit. It makes zero sense on any article of clothing. I could see it on an umbrella or a spiral notebook, but a cheap spiral notebook. The top has fit issues, and the bottom looks like the underwear I wear when I'm out of underwear. The cover-up is nice, but all in all unmemorable. Sarah's face during the runway is beyond telling.
She knew she was going home the second it walked out.
Big thanks to Tara and Sarah for letting me sit in this week. I forgot how much fun it is to totally shit on people's hopes and dreams!