Screens: Lifetime

'Nobody's Going To Comment On That Stiff, Boxy, Scratchy-Looking, Marty's-Grandma-In-Back To The Future Top?'

Project Runway All Stars does a hybrid resortwear/swimsuit challenge. Who ends up all wet?

Our Players

Hello, I'm East Coast Editor Sarah D. Bunting.
Hello, I'm West Coast Editor Tara Ariano.

The Talk

I don't know about you, but I don't like the swimwear challenges, and the fact that the designers always kind of flail and send a series of too-cheeky suits down the runway isn't the problem. It's that the viewer doesn't get enough of the process behind it, or get to see how the specific challenges of a bathing suit -- the Lycra; the fact that there's literally nowhere to hide, cut-wise -- play out in the workroom. All that foolishness with the random assignments of new models and the All Stars Pool Boys? Waste of time.
I agree: I thought we were going to learn more about exactly what makes swimsuits particularly hard for designers who are asked to make everything from workout gear to menswear when Michelle started telling us about that elastic that was her secret weapon. Then: nothing. That said, it was a remarkably strong runway overall...even if the wrong person won again. When is my beloved Dmitry going to catch a break? He was great both as a designer and a shit-talking personality in this episode, and am I crazy or is he getting cuter?
I've always thought he was a fox -- he can really wear a bracelet, that guy -- and was equally baffled by Justin's win. I didn't hate his look, but it must have read far better in person, because it looked simplistic and blah to me at home.
And it's not that his model super-sold it, either. When she was standing with Justin on the runway for critiques, she had legs for days and the face of menstrual cramps.
Seriously! I was like, "Is that just her face? ...No, she looks legit bent out of shape." (As it were.) But at least Sonjia's didn't win. I like her spirit, and the suit was cute, but that outfit over it, ye gods. Nobody's going to comment on that stiff, boxy, scratchy-looking, Marty's-grandma-in-Back To The Future top?
Isaac and Georgina said they didn't like it, but to me that's not enough of a takedown for a stiff, short-sleeved parka roomy enough for the "Been Caught Stealing" video. You know what I like to do at a resort? Sneak whole cooked chickens poolside.
Screens: Lifetime
Meanwhile, Michelle's is on the bottom. What? Yeah, the draping in the back of the dress is a little weird, but I own like seventeen variations on it. Maybe not the newest look, but perfectly functional, and her swimsuit was the tits. (Almost literally.)
Yeah, her placement and critique felt even more like producer intervention to me than Justin's win. Maybe her little schmatte was unflattering to a model, but as a swimsuit coverup, it was totes cute, and those of us who have a little extra fluff around the midsection wouldn't mind that pleating one bit. Then there was the righteous boot of Samantha for that '80s nightmare of a swimsuit. WHO would pick that tacky print? It was obviously in there as a trap!
God, it was dreadful. Like someone stole Saundra Santiago's scarf from the Miami Vice set thirty years ago. I didn't think her jumpsuit was quite as bad as they said -- she was walking a razor's edge with that fondant-y green, and she pulled it off -- but that punt was overdue, and I loved Jay's coverup so very much, I was relieved they didn't fuck up the auf.
Yeah, I didn't get their problems with Jay's swimsuit either! I thought the print was cute. Do I also have a "taste problem"?!
Well, let's see. What did you think of Fabio's suit? Because that mess was like the reverse mullet of swimwear: diaper in the front, Sir Mix-a-Lot in the back.
Sarah, no lie, the long pause in this chat right now was me looking it up because I didn't even remember it. Now that I'm seeing it again, I almost have more of a problem with the unfitted top, which might as well be a scarf tied around his girl's hoots. Even so, I had a bigger problem with his non-swimsuit outfit. His top was almost as stiff as Sonjia's. RESORTWEAR, people. It's supposed to be easy and breezy. Don't give me shit I have to iron.
Well, really. This is one minor issue I had with Dmitry's, actually: that fabric doesn't look comfy for hot weather. It's silk, so I guess it breathes, but it looked really hot to me.
Same with Helen's, and I understand that she had to fluff the accessory wall in that segment -- I don't hate the shoes per se -- they just read too "city" to me. Like, that's post-18 holes with the CEO, not resort.
That's funny: I loved those shoes. Her choosing something with a cork sole also shows she thought about the setting more than she tends to. And if Samantha had chosen that peacock print, she might still be here.
Did she also choose that massive tuxedo-jacket vest Alyssa Milano had on poolside? I swear, just when I think she's got it under control... (Loved the pink pumps, though.)
I also thought Alyssa's runway dress almost stole the entire show.
THAT was adorable. This is what I'm talking about, though. And for the love of little apples: stop with the Lucille Ball twists. Low bun, high pony, side pony, ANYTHING BUT THE FACE-LIFT CHIGNONS. Hate!
When her own personal style is so erratic, it's a good thing she can remind us of her value with zingers. As soon as she dropped a Who's The Boss reference about Samantha's swimsuit, I knew Samatha was toast. She won't be missed!
Neither will any further misuse of the term "moose knuckle." Pull it together, Mizrahi.
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