Photos: Lifetime

Flower Crown Of Darkness

Is that Betsey Johnson’s lipstick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Much like the "punk" challenge a few seasons back, I don't think anyone in this crop of contestants has any right to claim that they have a wicked side. There was an ad during the show for a medicine that reconstructs your cootch after menopause so sex doesn't hurt anymore; that unsettled me more than Kate's black flower crown that subtly represented her descent into evil.

But having the designers face off in a design battle of "good" and "wicked" did give the episode a more playful tone. All of these people are professionals at Project Runway at this point, so the head-to-head aspect of the challenge isn't so much of an added challenge as a fun break in the monotony. Also, I must burn some incense to the Bunim-Murray gods later for allowing these poor souls two days for a couture challenge. If they had two days for every challenge, I don't think we would have been exposed to Patricia's Cindy Lou-Who boob darts and Alexandria's Hot Topic butt plug.

Before we take a look at last night’s gowns, I do have a few questions that may or may not need further exploring.

Why doesn't Alyssa Milano say, "You are in/out"?

Technically, this isn't Project Runway Mothership but it's still the same franchise on the same network on the same night airing at the same time. Heidi, we're not going to confuse you and Alyssa Milano. We can tell different pregnant hosts a part; we're adults here. Does Heidi even own the rights to the "you are in/out"? It's like a few years ago when Paris Hilton tried to trademark "hot" or "rhinestone" or something and the patent people said no. Letting another person say the show's elimination phrase won't diminish its greatness. Having Red Robin as a sponsor will. Speaking of…

Is Bissell a sponsor this year?

Keep in mind my eyes roll back into my head every time the voiceover of the prize package cues up, so who knows, they might be. But there were three different instances last night when the camera got awfully friendly with an iron, and not just the machine, but also the logo, which I can't even remember what it said. How's that for advertising, Lifetime? I don't even remember what the target of your not-so-subtle subliminal advertising was. I am truly wicked. Where can I get one of those black flower crowns? While we're on the subject of flower crowns...

Does Jay work at Urban Outfitters?

Jay has not gotten a lot of screen time this season, which is great for my ears because his ability to make his voice screech like a kitten that sucked in too much helium makes me very sad. But Jay mentions in this episode that after his season he worked for a boutique, setting up store fronts and whatnot. Also, two of the shirts he's worn so far have been from Urban Outfitters: the button-up he wears in this episode, and the half-bleached denim from the episode prior. Now, there's no shame in working at an Urban Outfitters; it just further deflates the idea that you can be successful after not winning a reality show. I'm mostly asking this question because I want a discount. Herschel bags are too damn expensive on their own.

Are Helen and Benjamin's faces portals to another dimension?

Helen and Benjamin were paired off in the battle between "good" and "wicked," and I think putting them together unlocked some sort of wormhole. Both of their faces have weird eye placement: Helen's eyes are a little too far apart and Benjamin's just a little too close. Both people are absolutely beautiful, don't get me wrong (don't come after me, Helen; I read what you said about Tom and Lorenzo), but symmetry is not their friend. But as they worked against each other, their eyes seemingly started drifting, further apart for Helen and closer for Benjamin, as if preparing for the doorway to another dimension that would be opening between their faces. Thank goodness this season only has hour-long episodes. Who knows what sort of tear in space-time we would have seen at 90 minutes.

Now that I've sent the questions out to the universe, let's look at some dresses.

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Winner: Sonjia

There was no question that this was the winning dress the second it walked out. It looked like a snowflake and it fit the model beautifully.

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Top: Dmitry

The judges thought it was beautiful, and technically it is, but it looks like something that would be worn on Dancing with the Stars when they dance the tango to "I Put a Spell On You."

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Top: Sam

I thought this was going to be on the bottom when she was called out at first. The model looks like Lorde performing on a casino barge in Baton Rouge. For a second there, it looked like she was going to win and a single tear would have trickled down my face for Sonjia. Thankfully that didn't happen.

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Bottom: Helen

Maybe her eyes separating as part of an eons-old ritual to open up a black hole affected her judgment, because her dress was very much a vacuum filter with a tumor.

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Bottom: Fabio

When this walked, I thought it was going to be on top. Fabio is such a conceptual designer, but sometimes he needs to remember that he's not designing for Viktor and Rolf but the 2014 Eukanuba Design Show.

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Eliminated: Chris

As I predicted, Chris got sent home this week. And as much as it pains me to say it, he kind of deserved it. The dress looked like a sea anemone going through its Hot Topic phase. A flamenco dancer at a drag show in Hell. Satan's tampon. I could go on all day, but my editors would kill me.

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