Eric McCandless / Freeform

Spencer Has 99 Problems On Pretty Little Liars, But Marco Ain't One

If all roads lead to Noel, that means it's someone else, right?

Why on earth do all the Liars have to go to the police together? Are they going to do a dance number or something?

Logically, they could have taken the stupid stick drive to the police as soon as they got it. Look, real evidence! They never, ever have real evidence! Spencer even suggested they take it to the police, but oh no, let's wait for Hanna. We have to find Hanna! We have to go together! We have to hold hands and braid one another's hair! Why? Why? Why?

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Anyway, we all know A.D. is all-powerful and all-knowing (spoiler: A.D. is totally from the Marvel Comics universe) and thus knew Spencer was at home and had the drive in her computer, and poof, gone. God forbid anyone copy the video onto their own computers, email it to themselves, make a GIF, I don't know -- anything. Sometimes the urge to shake these girls is strong.

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Why on earth does Marco want anything to do with Spencer?

Look, this is a small town. Everyone on the force probably knows Spencer rode Toby like a miniature pony for ages, plus she's somehow entangled in all this Archer-Alison nonsense. Still, even when she calls him to come over, hunt for an exceedingly speedy thief, and tape her windows shut, he's still pushing for a dinner date. Spencer is cute, sure, but so is everyone else in this genetically gifted town. He's got to have options.

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Noel is an evil genius who doesn't use password protection on his home computer?

Considering the guy is one step removed from superhuman in all other respects, not putting even one itty bitty layer of protection on his stupid laptop seems incredibly dumb. Just saying. But no one else seems to do this, either, so hey, might as well leave doors and windows open, share car keys, and maybe they can all pretend they're in Canada.

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So, Aria and Jason were a thing? Like, a serious thing? And no one else knows?

Yes, the Liars are good at keeping secrets, sort of, but not from one another. Sure, they weren't super-tight during that five-year gap, but Jason is Ali's brother. I would think he'd let it slip during Thanksgiving dinner or something. Plus, how long has he had that hairstyle, anyway? I know the long hair is really for "Training Day" (coming to CBS midseason!), but I'm trying to figure out the math for this. If it takes two years to grow hair to shoulder length, and he had to go to Ethiopia, come back, and then go again, for how long did he get it on with Aria? This relationship is hurting my brain.

Could it be any more awkward between Emily and Paige?

Yes, it's kind of sweet, but these conversations are the worst. "Hey, is this your old locker?" says no one ever when they're trying to hit on anyone. Paige is supportive and technically good girlfriend material, but we keep getting these creepy vibes that, even though she and Emily had a decent relationship at some point, Paige has gone to the stalker side.

Speaking of Emily, why can't she make good choices ever?

Sabrina is nice. She seems stable. She bakes pies. She bakes cakes. She is probably the best girlfriend ever, so Emily should definitely keep looking for ways to alienate her and make her wear that sad-eyed velvet-painting face whenever she brings her brown-paper packages of sweets.

Noel is registered to vote?

While that may be yet another dumb move in the world of Pretty Little Liars, for a Millenial that's pretty impressive.

So when you need court documents, all you have to do is cook up a weak sob story and the government worker behind the desk will break the law for you?

This is good to know, honestly. Aria didn't even have to fake cry, either!

Could Hanna suck more at slipping a guy a roofie?

"Cheers! Let's toast to that! You should try this strangely fizzy beer, its good! Hurry up and drink it, because you wouldn't want it to go flat! Hey, beer! Beer! BEER!" Hanna, oh Hanna. So close and yet so Hanna. Amazingly, Noel was thisclose to taking a sip before it occurred to him that Hanna might actually not have the best of intentions. Of course, Hanna gets her man eventually, and even better she knocks him unconscious somewhere other than a bar. I'm almost 100 percent sure she hadn't figured out a plan for getting a grown man who has suddenly and mysteriously become unconscious out of the bar and into her car, so I'm glad she didn't have to. Oh, Hanna. Of course none of this will end well. Where's Spencer when you need her?

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