Byron Cohen / Freeform

Spencer And Aria Are Stalking Old Drunk Doctors, And That's Not The Worst Part Of Pretty Little Liars

Oh, and an old, new candidate for psycho drama returns to Rosewood, huzzah!

So let's get this straight -- when the FBI is halfway into investigating a case, they totally half-ass it and tell people their loved ones could be alive, though in reality they have no friggin' clue?

While leading Ezra to believe Nicole is alive gives us ample opportunity to watch him bug out his eyes and wipe his hand over his mouth as if he's checking for leftover ketchup, I can't get past the fact that the FBI, which seemed soooo certain of Nicole's survival a few weeks ago, is now admitting, well, we found a camp and hey, she might be there, but she might not, but we're totally looking and we will let you know! Toodles!

Whoa, Hanna's cattle-prod wound still looks that bad? She needs to get that checked yesterday.

While I realize having her stare at a very faint shadow of a scar would not be as evocative, if girlfriend still has two suppurating owies on her back after all this time, she needs medical help and possibly a Costco-sized tube of antibiotic ointment. No matter how bad something is, even if it's an electrical zapping or a burn caused by a dumpster fire, it's not supposed to look like that forever. Stop it, Pretty Little Liars. That's gross.

Mrs. Grunwald stopped by to, what, tell Hanna something she already knows? And she's a psychic?

I love Mrs. Grunwald, I do. She's spooky and she has those icy-blue Meg Foster eyes and Ali will owe her one forever. But why even get out of bed to visit Hanna with this non-news report? You're in danger (tell me something new)! It's close by (again, duh)! And it's probably that guy who makes my nose bleed (exactly). I kept expecting Hanna to just roll her eyes and shake Mrs. Grunwald by the shoulders, screaming, "Psychics are supposed to tell us something we don't already know! Go home and stuff Kleenex up your nostrils, because you are grossing me out!"

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Does the young Dr. Cochran know that she can call the police when someone ransacks her office? That she is under no obligation to, oh, give said ransacking suspect anything they want?

While it was oh-so-convenient for the young Dr. Cochran to give up the old Dr. Cochran's address to Spencer, she does know that the normal response to someone breaking into your office, especially when you're pretty sure who did it (even though it would be, in this case, totally wrong), is to call the cops? And why not give up that information more willingly the first time, since who cares? It's clear you don't like the guy and he isn't invited to Thanksgiving dinner, so calm down.

Is that a thing now, to break a glass to get a guy's attention?

Hanna wants Noel to come over, so what does she do? Wave in his direction? Send him a drink laced with cyanide? Lob a spitball at his neck? No, she breaks a perfectly good wine glass all over the floor, which some underpaid janitor will probably have to sweep up and it won't even end up on her tab. I am thinking Hanna needs to stop spending so much of her time communicating by text.

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Can the school principal please talk to his HR representative? Soon?

While he means well, and it is perfectly appropriate to check in with an employee who has undergone a serious trauma to make sure they feel well enough to take on a classroom full of shitty little teenagers, I am thinking that just maybe it is a conversation to have before the person has come back to work and been pranked by a bunch of snot-nosed kids wearing black hoodies to freak out said teacher. Just a thought.

So, Mary Drake had a baby in the 1940s?

I understand they wanted to make it clear that the second baby scene was a flashback, but sticking the Social Services guy in a fedora and kitting up the nurse in retro make-up and uniform was weird. Twenty-odd years ago, the nurse might have had a nose ring and a bad attitude, not WWII trauma and a penchant for Tommy Dorsey.

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Paige? Because Emily can't just get on with her life?

I'm sure there are many Paige loyalists (and their goodbye scene was superior, true), but isn't it bad enough that Emily is looking for reasons to live in Rosewood forever, screaming at teenagers and dreaming of getting the hell out of this sinkhole? Also, Paige is doing this weird skulking around and watching Emily through pane-glass windows, so I'm thinking she's not going to be the one Emily let get away and may have turned into the one she needs to get away from while covering her head and screaming. Please God don't tell me she's another A.D. possibility, because I can't.

Does Caleb have any other purpose than being a soulful, sad-eyed, boy-toy from a bad romcom?

He does tap around on his computer, but lately he hasn't been that effective as a hacker, and he mostly stands around waiting for Hanna to look at him and almost kiss him or Spencer to look at him and then sadly look away. Seriously, this is so emasculating they might as well make him wear a pink Speedo and oil him down.

That disco ball of a wedding dress was gorgeous, but how much money does Aria have, anyway?

I know everyone has that fantasy that a first book deal is in the tens of millions of dollars, but seriously, she and Ezra would be getting married by a justice of the peace while wearing their favorite T-shirts if this was even semi-close to real life. But hey, looking for verisimilitude on this show is like complaining that Snoopy doesn't act like a real dog. Still, I hope she can return it.

For Booze Week we list:

The Liars from least to most likely to develop a day-drinking problem.

  • Hanna
  • Spencer
  • Aria
  • Ali
  • Ems
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