Adam Taylor / Freeform

Pretty Little Liars Doesn't Do Happy, Alison, You Idiot

The love in the air smells like a poisonous gas leak. Liane is not a crackpot.

I am not a crackpot, but if Alison really thinks she's found true and lasting love with the creepy Dr. Rollins, I'm pretty sure there are only a few possible scenarios for this storyline. One: he dies. Two: she dies. Three: he's one of the (seemingly many) "Not A"s ("Waldo"s, "A Minus"es -- whatever)., it would be a variable, like he's "Not A"-adjacent, or he doesn't die but he disappears, or his key internal organs are mysteriously found propped on colorful toothpicks throughout Alison's bedroom so that when she comes back from wedding dress shopping (she is so going for a cotton candy pouf, isn't she?), she can scream and sob herself into -- what else -- an insane asylum. This is PLL. No one gets a goddamn happy ending.

This week's episode is a pretty lovey-dovey one for everyone, if you leave out Emily (my phooooone!). But the big end-of-episode shocker -- the reveal that Alison and Dr. Rollins are so desperate to get married you'd think a guy in overalls with missing teeth was holding a shotgun against the good doctor's head while some inbred kid plucked out "Dueling Banjos" in the background -- is just groanworthy. For starters, they can't keep their hands off of one another, so eww. But more than that, what's the rush? Because the twinkle lights are still up in Aria's backyard? This is never a good reason to get married. Alison might as well insist on getting hitched because she's almost reached the end of her endurance in the Spanx she's wearing, so it's either a wedding or eating Twinkies in a bathroom stall.

No one except Alison and Dr. Rollins looks entirely happy about this looming marriage, and that may be because of the uncomfortable fact that most of the Liars cannot remember who this guy even is. Really, what do we know about him? He was, apparently, a pretty crappy doctor to Charlotte, since she fell apart right after she found out he was hooking up with her sister. He likes to pat Alison's hand. And...I'm out. If previous experience is anything to go on, this means he's hiding something incredibly sordid or embarrassing just beneath the surface, and it could involve a dead body turned to goo inside a barrel. Or he's going to be killed. This show might as well put all the minor characters in red shirts so that we remember that backstories are actually a legit bad thing and their absence is not, in fact, crappy writing.

Dr. Rollins and Hanna's fiancé Jordan should be getting their affairs in order, since we only have a few episodes left this season in which they could be murdered, commit suicide, enter vegetative states, or reveal themselves to be evil sociopaths. I am not a crackpot, but I think Alison should have at least insisted on getting a nice, poufy dress out of this before it all goes to hell with Mr. Right. It's the most important day of a girl's life!

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