Eric McCandless / Freeform

On Pretty Little Liars, Hanna Shows How Brave She Is While Simultaneously Reminding Us That She's Still Dumb

It may be a great plan, but that doesn't matter when you're dead.

So, Sara Harvey and/or someone else (Not A/A Plus/Waldo) is putting the Liars through the meat grinder, and it's all coming to a fast boil very soon. While I admire Hanna for throwing herself onto the metaphorical train tracks with the goal of luring out Sara/Not A/A Plus/Waldo, I really can't help thinking she's totally outmatched. Sure, she has Caleb in her corner, but Hanna's most impressive skill in six seasons seems to be mastering the smoky eye. Unless she's able to win the battle by blinking a great deal and striking the opposition dead with her doelike beauty, this will be an everloving mess.

And, even though we know Hanna is a well-intentioned idiot, any mere mortal who takes on Sara/Not A/A Plus/Waldois dancing with danger. How did he/she/it manage to make Ali trip down a flight of stairs without first sending to their deaths a few old ladies jonesing for their morning scones? As Ali and her creepy doctor husband made clear, they slept in that morning. It's not as if the villain could wait until everyone else at the B&B had gotten downstairs, then do...well, I'm not even sure how Ali was made to trip. A loose floorboard? A broken high heel? Gravity? Just trying to unravel how Sara/Not A/A Plus/Waldo could pull this off without revealing his/her/its identity boggles the mind. I hate thinking about this show, because it kind of ruins everything. The best way to watch is to let insane plot points wash over you like a fine spa mist.

Eric McCandless / Freeform

Eric McCandless / Freeform

What I don't want to think is that this is really Hanna's subliminal effort to screw up Caleb and Spencer's relationship, but if it is, it's certainly working. Poor Spencer is downing wine from what appears to be a glass made for Hagrid's weekend benders, and even blowing through booze can't blind her to the fact Hanna and her boyfriend are touching one another a lot more than could possibly be necessary for an ill-fated suicide mission. I know everyone's friends here, but the only thing Hanna didn't do was snarl at Spencer while lifting up her miniskirt and peeing on her ex.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know: she didn't mean anything by it. Hanna fell back into old habits while planning to throw herself into the volcano to help her friends. If Spencer says anything, she will be called out as a bitch and a half. All Hanna has to do is convince Jordan to take up a dangerous sport, like base-jumping or taking selfies of himself while running with the bulls in Pamplona, and soon enough the merry almost-widow will be able to ride Caleb bareback in the middle of a restaurant without anyone giving her side-eye.

Well, there will be plenty of time for catfights next week, or someone will be dead, or the Liars will be so horrified by some new, awful development that all will be forgiven. I suspect, though, that Hanna will discover that her clever plan will result in terrible consequences and she will be outmatched once again. Seriously, would calling the police really be so bad? Oh, wait, it's Rosewood. Never mind.

Anyway, sucks to be you, Ali! But maybe Hanna will remember this next time her lips are about to get a little too loose.

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