Byron Cohen / Freeform

Mary Made Beef Wellington To Thaw Jason's Heart On Pretty Little Liars; Let's Hope It Freezes Well

Are we done kicking Spencer while she's down or can A.D. date her and dump her, too?

Why is Emily's mom so weird about her birthday?

I get it. Her husband died, blah blah blah. God forbid Pam just shut up and have a nice dinner with her daughter. No, she can only be sufficiently cheered up by a bunch of dorky girls who think rainbow boas borrowed from a hopelessly tame gay pride parade are sufficiently festive for a bridal party. WTF? Emily, of course, is just happy she's happy, because she loves her and has no problem swallowing her hurt like the shit sandwich it is. Nope, she's just fine with Pammy guzzling Cosmos (what is this, 1995?) with girls Emily's age -- and neglecting to include Emily, who has to sit at the table alone, probably getting stink-eye from the waitress for taking up space that could be given to other rainbow-bright idiots.

That's what Emily gets for checking her phone all through dinner like a bored millennial, honestly.

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Do they not have scissors in Ethiopia?

Just kidding. The long hair kinda works for him, except from the back he pretty much looks like one of the Liars, which is confusing AF.

Did Jenna really think Tobey wanted to get with that when she had no leverage?

I mean, blackmail sex is hot and everything, but I'm pretty sure if a guy tells you his dad pretty much had to force him to spend time with you, it's time to pump the brakes.

Ali still needs a caretaker?

Jeez, she's not Britney Spears, and half the point of keeping an eye on Britney is so she doesn't spend her money on a timeshare island in Bora Bora or on an all-denim wardrobe. But Ali's broke, remember? I know Jason is just trying to get Mary Drake out of the house, but maybe that big "fuck you" flourish was overkill.

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Mary Drake made beef goddamn Wellington trying to win Jason over, and unless she ordered them from Omaha Steaks or whoever sells that kind of thing, that is not easy. We've all seen our share of Hell's Kitchen, and everyone messes up the Beef Wellington. Everyone. Then again, maybe Mary is trying to kill Jason with heart disease, one pastry-cow-pocket at a time.

How much of a wuss is Ezra if he's freaking over wedding stuff?

Aria is so excited to get married! To an old guy who gets overwhelmed by looking at wedding planning stuff! As if we didn't already have so many reasons to find Ezra irritating, he seems incapable of doing the manly thing, which is "Whatever makes you happy, honey," and then fucking off to watch television and drink beer. Duh.

Does the FBI usually drop by when they think something might be true?

If you have a suspicion, even if it's a really good one, can't you just call? Do you really need to drop by? Well, of course you do, lest Aria get an awesome European vacation while marrying the biggest dork available, but whatever.

Hanna's free, Caleb's free, and they just want to be friends? How boring is that?

I know. There's been a lot of partner-swapping this season, so they may need to build up to this. But since their kiss torpedoed Caleb's relationship with Spencer, they'd better not sit around on the sofa talking about being besties and admiring their friendship. We really haven't seen Spencer sob enough this year. Until there is actual rending of clothing and running sobbing into traffic, it will not be enough agony for this character, clearly.

Was it really necessary for Tobey to make sure Spencer knew he really, really loved her, but now he's so over it he's moving to Maine with Yvonne?

First off, bye Tobey. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I'm sure you and Yvonne, who also seems pretty dull, will be perfectly happy in Maine, catching lobster and doing whatever else it is they do there. But did you really need to make sure Spencer knew you once loved her enough to build an entire house for her, but now you so don't care you'll probably throw the bricks you were using for the front wall at her car as you speed out of town? Keep it classy, Tobey.

So, how do you program a car to send personal messages on the video screen?

In the series finale, I want to know where A.D. picked up this impressive skill set which involves programming a car to do such a thing, because I want to go to there. I drove around for an hour with my mileage readout totally dark because I couldn't find the switch to turn it back on after I'd apparently knocked into it, and this person actually programs the car to act like it was jacked from a 1960s Bond movie.

So is Noel Kahn A.D., or is he just hanging out and being vaguely threatening?

Because all signs point to Noel as A.D., that definitely means he's not A.D., and it's probably someone random, like a waiter at the bar who talked to Emily once or the mentally troubled town genius who has been observing everybody with a drone but has never met them face-to-face. Don't rule it out!

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