Eric McCandless / Freeform

Hanna's Torn Between Two Lovers On Pretty Little Liars And Only One Of Them Got An Ominous Egg Face

But Jordan has that sexy accent, which makes up for the sweaty weirdness.

Can't anyone ever be happy on this show? Short answer: no, no they cannot. I've never seen such unhappy people with such well-applied lip gloss in real life. Usually, that's the first thing to go when all hell breaks loose -- make-up application. But these Liars, well, they've got mad personal maintenance skillz.

At first, I thought the Liar most eagerly torpedoing her good thing was Spencer, because she had to ask Caleb if he could do her an itsy bitsy favor and, you know, commit a teensy tiny felony by breaking into the computer of her mom's political opposition. I would hope in all the time Caleb and Toby were sharing microbrews, Toby might have warned his pal that Spencer has boundary issues, in that she thinks of all men as her personal law-breaking concierge service. Maybe that did come up, because Caleb had no problem shutting her down. No, Spencer, I will not do hard time for you. Who do you think I am, Ezra? Pfft!

But the real relationship seemingly headed for the skids here is between Hanna and Jordan (with Caleb on the side). When Hanna's not snapping at Jordan for being adoring and ridiculously sensitive, she's thinking moonily about what might have been with Caleb (which, honestly, is pretty much nothing, as long as she wants to be a city mouse). She also makes sure she reminds Jordan that she's unemployed and miserable at every opportunity. I'm not a catch! Despite my near-perfect eyeliner, I am a big ol' deadbeat who can't get out of this one-horse town! The sex appears to be good, but still, she may not want to lead with her least appealing points. There are only so many heart-shaped-bed-offering motels Jordan can take her to if he wants to keep the romance alive.

Still, it looks like Jordan really may be too good to be true anyway, because Hanna got that tray of message eggs (okay, the evil threats are so cute this season, right?) that seem to imply she'll learn something awful about him, like that he's really a convicted sex offender, or worse, he's actually not rich at all but has been taking out a lot of credit cards in her name. Whatever the problem may be, Not A (A Minus; ugh, "Waldo"? I like Waldo) is onto him. Or not. Maybe Jordan really was just in the lobby making phone calls and just happened to be sweaty and suspicious-acting when he came back to the room. It's not like he'd been hiding bodies or dealing drugs or conducting evil witch ceremonies with Sara in the janitorial closet or anything.

Even if Jordan is completely on the level, it doesn't matter as long as Hanna seems intent on blowing everything up by inviting Caleb out of drinks to talk about her feelings. I don't get the impression Caleb told Spencer about this innocent meeting, which makes it seem entirely not so innocent, but it gives them a foundation for ultimately getting caught in a state of undress on Hanna's sofa while they scream, "THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE" when it totally is. They have to start somewhere.

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