Ask The Incredibly Evil Doctor Who Is Ruining Everything On Pretty Little Liars
Pretty sure it’s not cool to treat your wife’s mental illness, but okay.
My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s gotten back together with her ex. The worst part? We all work together! I'm supposed to be helping both of them with a project, but everything about it is so clearly all about them it makes me sick to my stomach -- so yeah, I've been passive-aggressively trying to ruin it. I can't help myself! Can I file a complaint or something?
I suggest something a little more challenging. Spoof his email address and send messages to your ex begging for incredibly graphic, naked photos, preferably in which she plays dead. If she refuses, send her a dead chicken, smear blood all over her car, and follow her around town while wearing a surgical face mask and a hoodie. If she complies, inject her with lethal amounts of morphine. Clearly, she never loved you anyway.
I was recently held hostage, and I think it screwed me up a little. I mean, I can still put on makeup when I really want to, but most of the time I'm wearing sweats and forgetting about my eyeliner, which is super-crazy. I'm trying to shake it off and throw myself into starting a new business, but I'm also really single right now for no good reason. I gave back the prettiest engagement ring ever! And my ex-fiancé was cute, too! I'm afraid I'm going to get old and choke to death on a banh mi sandwich and no one will know to look for me. What should I do?
Ugh, you know how boring you are, right? To be clear, no one thinks you're smarter or sharper than you are. Nooooobody. I'm a medical professional, and you weren't even interesting enough to torture. I mean, if I were holding you hostage, which I am not admitting to having done. But seriously, there's a reason you were able to get away from that hostage situation, and it's not because you’re clever. Also, get a roommate or something. Problem solved, dimwit.
I think my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex, but I can't be too mad because she's one of my best friends. She even gave me the green light when he and I first wanted to date. I also got fired this week, so I'm feeling a little vulnerable. Should I worry? Should I break up with him? I don't want him to stay out of a sense of obligation.
What is it with you women? Can you ever be single for more than a minute? Whatever. Set him free, and if he comes back, yada yada yada. If he doesn't come back, he was never yours to begin with, so hack into his computer system, plant a virus that erases all of the music he has in iTunes except for Beyoncé's Lemonade, and send him creepy text messages made up entirely of lyrics from songs he no longer has in his system. If for any reason he suspects you did this, pretend that your imaginary twin sister Kerry, who happens to be insane, actually did it. Dye your hair and pretend to be Kerry. Also, consider some light stalking while wearing a hoodie. Look, I can’t do all the work for you. Use your imagination!