Photo: Augusta Quirk / IFC

Steve Buscemi Tries To Market Celery By Any Means Necessary

We're rating him, and the rest of the episode's guest stars, by their Portlandianess.

Steve Buscemi

Role: Marty, a produce marketer on the celery account.

Relation To Our Lead(s): Brownstein plays his demanding, power-mad boss, and, later, his wife; Armisen is his smug brussels sprouts-pushing co-worker, and, later, "Bacon."

Screen: IFC

Screen: IFC

Best Line: When Marty tells his wife that Bacon has agreed to give celery a boost if she'll sleep with him: "I'll talk to him. Maybe he would go for a handjob." (Mrs. Marty: "I give a great hand job, by the way. That is not a downgrade. It's going to feel like intercourse to him.")

How many birds would we put on them?

Marty! Quit worrying so much about your career and get down with some Ants On A Log! Two of five birds.
Screen: IFC

Screen: IFC

Jeff Goldblum

Role: Unfortunate Motorist.

Relation To Our Lead(s): He's just gotten into a car accident and has called 911, where Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are both playing operators, because he believes he's covered in blood.

Best Line: "I was in a car accident! I'm covered in red-- Wait a minute. You know what? You're right! It is beets! I crashed into a beet truck!"

How many birds would we put on them?

Given that he's apparently part of a wave of beet-related emergencies, he's about as Portland as you can get. Four of five birds.
Screen: IFC

Screen: IFC

Jaime Langton

Role: Restaurant Patron.

Relation To Our Lead(s): She makes the mistake of trying to order a pastrami sandwich at the needlessly complicated Order Grill, where Armisen is a waiter and Brownstein the weirdo who designed the place.

Best Line: "So you have the ice and the soda at...opposite ends...."

How many birds would we put on them?

This place is obviously a complete clusterfuck -- but she's committed to give it a chance anyway, despite what one presumes is her better judgment. Three of five birds.

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Kumail Nanjiani

Role: Human Bandwidth Manager.

Relation To Our Lead(s): When Carrie feels overwhelmed by all the digital obligations she's not keeping up with, he counsels her on declaring social bankruptcy; later, experiencing ennui, he falls in with a couple of panhandlers played by Brownstein and Armisen.

Best Line (tie): "I have some template responses I use? Pet pictures. I'll just write 'cyoooooooot.'" "One day my co-worker said to me, 'Thank God it's Friday!' And you know what I did? I laughed."

How many birds would we put on them?

Having an open heart for trying out the hobo lifestyle even though, as it turns out, he's actually rich, feels like the kind of unconventional vacation a Portlandian would enjoy. Four of five birds.
Screen: IFC

Screen: IFC

Silas Weir Mitchell

Role: FBI Agent?

Relation To Our Lead(s): None; he approaches a despondent Celery Marty about wearing a wire to take down Bacon...but then turns out to have been Marty's corn counterpart all along -- his cornterpart, if you will. (You don't have to.)

Best Line: "Corn used to be America's vegetable. And then along comes bacon, and makes every vegetable, from zucchini to celery, sexier than corn. Sorry you got caught in the crossfire, but our work here is done."

How many birds would we put on them?

This kind of self-interested deception seems to lie far outside the Portland city limits. One of five birds.
Screen: IFC

Screen: IFC

Andrea Yates (not that one)

Role: "Your Aunt Elizabeth."

Relation To Our Lead(s): After Carrie detaches from all her social media connections, her circle of friends is limited only to other people who, like her, aren't online: "Bronwen, your Aunt Elizabeth, Dave, Coma Dave, and a baby."

Best Line: "I'm making a scrapbook for you! About the Spotted Owls -- I told you about them, in the '70s, and all the ruckus that they caused...." (Human Bandwidth Manager: "She's your Wikipedia now.")

How many birds would we put on them?

A technophobe who's doing a report on owls? Come on. Five of five birds.
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