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What's Falling Apart In S04.E09 Of Orange Is The New Black? We Made A List!

Everything's going to shit. Let's rank the crises.

This is shaping up to be an extremely bleak season of OITNB, and in the ninth episode, "Turn, Tables, Turn," things are beginning to go downhill fast. Someone is still pooping in the shower. The inmates have decided on civil disobedience by way of horrible smells, a method that really maximizes the suffering for everyone. The best thing that happens in this hour might be that Sister Ingalls is sent to SHU with a cameraphone in her cooch, which is pretty fucking far from a silver lining. So let's rank all the things that are going to shit, from least to most horrible.

  1. Morello Now Thinks Her Sister is Sleeping with Vince
    After asking her sister to go visit Vince, Morello is suddenly sure the two are having an affair. Can we please go back to the days when Morello was fun and less of a bleak headcase? She is officially exhausting.
  2. Yoga Jones Is Racist
    She seems all zen, but in this episode we learn that Yoga Jones, like everyone else, is a little bit racist when she worries to Judy that Judy's new friends (who are all black) might steal their nice stuff. Yoga Jones, I expected better from you!
  3. The Dominicans' BO Scheme
    Blanca hasn't been showering, and realizes that smelling disgusting is a good way of avoiding the endless patdowns and groping from the COs. She tells the other Dominicans about her strategy, and they come up with some creative ways to make themselves smell disgusting, using anchovies, oysters, and a rancid pudding that smells like a dead fart. As a person with a sensitive sense of smell, just thinking about this makes me worried I might puke.
  4. Nicky Has Hit Rock Bottom
    When Red finds Nicky smoking crack in the shower, her face just crumples. "You look like you're dead already," she says, and I really really hope this isn't foreshadowing for later in the season. Nicky's ngaf attitude is a big part of the fun of this show. We need her, and we need her sober. Oy.
  5. Maria Has It Out for Maritza
    Maria's reign of terror continues, and she now has it out for Maritza, who busted Maria's cousin for helping smuggle drugs. Something in Maria's very tight french braid makes me think of Gus Fring. She's ice cold.
  6. Boo And Doggett Are Dunzo
    As a master grudge holder, I can find forgiveness puzzling, so I understand Boo being pissed at Doggett for forgiving Donuts. Given that he raped her, Doggett would be well within her rights if she still wanted Donuts to die in a fire (that she started). But she wants to move on. I know Boo isn't the type to seethe quietly, but I wish she would make an exception here in order to save her friendship with Doggett. They were so cute together!
  7. The COs Are Getting Creative
    When Blanca continues her civil disobedience via BO, one of the COs decides to punish her by having her stand on a table in the dining room until her knees give out. Another CO refers to it as "a little Abu Ghraib-y," and I'm worried that we're headed in that direction very fast. Plus, even innocent-seeming CO Bayley is demanding handjobs from inmates.
  8. CO Humphrey is a Psycho
    We've been getting hints about this for a while, but this episode is the first sign of just how sick Humphrey really is. Earlier, he overheard Maritza and Flaca debating which they would rather eat if they had a gun to their head: ten dead flies or a baby mouse. At the end of this episode Humphrey literally puts a gun to Maritza's head while dead flies and a baby mouse are right in front of her.

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    ...I actually gagged.

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