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Ranking The Prison Annoyances Of Orange Is The New Black's 'Powersuit'

Microracism to enlarged uvulas and everything in between!

Giving us a nice break from a nightmare-inducing season opener (although we now know how best to fertilize our plants -- yay for organic!), "Powersuit" --the second episode of Orange Is The New Black -- is positively sitcom-worthy, give or take a near-lethal beating, pervasive racism, and raging mental illness. Those wacky prisoners! Whatcha gonna do? Anyway, it's a useful reminder that life on the inside isn't all girl fights and bad food. Actually, it's mostly bad food, and with impending budget cuts, we can't expect that to change any time soon. Can't wait to see how Judy King survives on a diet of moldy government cheese and white bread. Oh wait! She won't have to! Here are the episode's messed up and yet totally relatable moments, counted down from least to most absurd.

  1. The 1% Still Suck
    It's hard not to appreciate Judy King, since she's probably more of a conniving rat than almost anyone else in the joint.

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    How did someone so slippery and charming ever get caught with her hands dirty? She clearly won't make that mistake twice, so let's all just sit back and watch her play Healy, Caputo, and Yoga Jones like broken banjos. Really, I just want her to teach everyone how to fold a fitted sheet; she might as well make herself useful if she's going to get the Presidential suite.

  2. Marriage Changes You Unless You're Batshit Crazy
    Hey, guess what? Marriage has not helped Lorna dial down the crazy Disney princess shit! That being said, all that prattle about her soulmate is worth it to watch her totally disintegrate when she realizes she doesn't know her mister's favorite color. THE HORROR.
  3. Caputo Likes A Girl, Which Can't Be Good
    When you bond over cost-cutting methods to con veterans into policing your shitshow of a prison, it's kinda creepy. Why can't this guy hook up with a nice barfly at one of his music gigs? (Maybe because the band is named Side Boob.) I don't want to see the scene in which Caputo and his new crush have sex as they scream out the governmental form codes for tax breaks, but we probably will.
  4. Vause Starts To Lose It
    No, Vause was never a cold-blooded killer, but it's still a little surprising to see her all wound up about a dead assassin. Anyone else think Lolly is less bird-brained than she seems and is just enjoying watching Vause feel things? Prison is super-boring, after all, so having a secret and something to talk about is so worth some brain splatter on your shoes.
  5. Doggett Cares About Her Fellow Prisoners
    I'm not sure what catching Coates in rape mode is going to accomplish.

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    However, it is nice that she's being so attentive about Ramos's safety.

  6. Sophia Is Still In Solitary
    Laverne Cox probably had pilots to shoot and Rocky Horror to rehearse, so this seems like a pretty convenient storyline ("You've got yet another gig, Laverne? Sophia's in solitary!), but totally worth it to watch Sophia's wife go after Caputo. This isn't over!
  7. Everyone's a Little Bit Racist
    The Dominicans hate the Colombians, the Colombians hate the Mexicans, the Mexicans hate the Puerto Ricans. Now, everyone sing "Everyone's A Little Bit Racist" from Avenue Q, preferably with puppets, so we can have a teaching moment!
  8. Black Cindy Is Walking Into A Hacky Joke
    Her roomie is Muslim, and Black Cindy's Jewish! What could go right?!
  9. Take Your Big Uvula And Go Home Before Red Kills You, New Kid
    It's sort of cute that Red is only now experiencing one of the annoying aspects of living in a prison dorm. (The crying never kept her awake before?) It will all be so funny right up until Red takes a pillow to the new kid's face.

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    Red is really being too nice about it: if she were her old self, she'd warn the girl she was going to kill her if she ever snored again, so that Red wouldn't be the one suffering sleepless nights.

  10. Deep Breathing Will Keep Prisoners From Pecking Each Other To Death
    How do you deal with prison overcrowding? Deep breathing, silly! Oh, and a prison guard who looks like an immovable object and carries an air horn. Piscatella is a terrifying new addition to the team, but one who seems more likely to kill an inmate than rape her. So....maybe not an upgrade
  11. Chapman Is So Not Tough, Even With A Security Detail
    At first, Crazy Eyes Chapman seemed fun, but the joke is getting old. I'm sure someone is going to beat some sense into her fairly soon, but that day can't come soon enough, really. Of course, that's if anyone notices she's trying to channel the Godfather or whatever. When is she getting released, anyway?
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