This article contains information that could be considered too revealing according to our spoiler policy. Proceed with caution. You can't unsee it!Reason Netflix released the whole season the same day.
Orange Is The New Black's Taystee Uses The Internet Like This Commentator's Dad Uses The Internet
Let's reflect on that moment where our girl Taystee realized that one bad search can lead to a lot of weird porn.
There's a lot that goes down in "We'll Always Have Baltimore," but Piper's petty panty revenge, Morello and Suzanne discussing poop, and Caputo and his new ladyfriend attending the somewhat dull prison-themed conference "CorrectiCon Baltimore" (an event that seriously seems like it was based on some kind of Orange Is The New Black fanfic) pale in comparison next to our girl Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson finally having internet access after all of these years.
Taystee became Caputo's assistant earlier this season, and she just plain sucks at it. She drops calls, she forgets names, and her sweet, sarcastic sass would probably gain her some negative marks on her next employee evaluation. Knowing such, Caputo gives her strict rules: "Listen, Jefferson, I'm going to be in this conference pretty much 24/7. Do not hold anything down. I am not giving you power over anything or anyone." The one thing he wants her to do is file.
Of course, the second Caputo is out of town, she decides to hack into his computer and get some sweet gossip. It's a shame, really: the prisoners at Litchfield don't even know so much as whom Taylor Swift is dating right now!
This plotline is so great that it even beats out Maritza's backstory -- she scammed people at clubs, and wound up stealing a Maserati. And, listen -- Maritza is amazing. It just isn't laptop Taystee. Nothing will ever rival laptop Taystee.
When Taystee first gets to Caputo's laptop, she tries so hard to figure out his password.
"Plantguy" is also a fail. I mean, hey -- Caputo has some plants on his desk, so who knows if they might have inspired a password!
During this sneaky maneuver, Taystee is briefly interrupted by tough-guy Piscatella, a new-this-season guard, who asks her if she knew whom to contact in order to get more maxi pads in house. Taystee sloppily refers him to "Linda," and he is shortly on his way. While Piscatella notes the laptop use, Taystee charmingly tells him that she was told to organize Caputo's files. Hey, computers have files too! Crisis averted!
Now back to the password: based on a poster in Caputo's office -- super-professional -- she remembers Caputo is in a legendary local band called Sideboob.
After figuring out that "Sideboob" by itself isn't the entry key to the worldwide web, she tries the next best thing -- "Sideboobrulez."
Success! Even though, I wouldn't take Caputo for someone who replaces "s's" with "z's." Now I'm picturing what his texts might look like.
Something of note: Taystee's desk is littered with tabloids, containing the names of OITNB-universe celebrities you've never heard of before. And one of those tabloids, as she saw earlier in the episode, featured celebrity inmate Judy King hanging out near the garden of Litchfield. While this intrigues her, Taystee still fails to make a connection. She's got more important things to Google. Like her buddies!
Taystee does a search for her friend Poussey first. Yet, her reliable browser, Search.com, leads her to a few unfortunate results.
Taystee doesn't let that unfortunate mishap get her down. Her next search is perhaps the best of all time.
The fact that Taystee is so sheltered that she literally thinks a search for "Red" will pull up some hot gossip on the fiesty Russian inmate is the most endearing thing ever. Just like with Poussey, she doesn't go back and try to change up what she typed; she just keeps going. Obviously, she didn't hear me yell "Quotation marks, Taystee! Quotation marks!" Maybe I should have tried to scream it louder. Next time!
Taystee's last search is something that has recently become near and dear to her -- Sideboob. But thankfully, the very first result is a video of the band, which I admit, is a little surprising. I guess we can only have so much footage of "Taystee incorrectly searches for things." But if it were up to me, this entire episode would highlight her "best of" internet fails.
Taystee listens a bit to their hit song "Workers In The Mine" before getting distracted by a promoted video on the sidebar: "Tiny Hamster Eating Tiny Burritos (Ep 1)" which is nearing 10,000 views.
And that's when Taystee finally figures out why the internet is so great. You can see tiny hamsters eating human food whenever you damn well please.
After the cute pet-palooza is over, Taystee realizes that, hey -- she's familiar with Judy King, she's now familiar with browsing the web, and both of those things combined could probably help her make some mad cash selling some up close and personal photos of the star. And perhaps, with such a payday, she can quit this brand-new job that she barely understands. But that little montage of Taystee figuring out how computers work is way richer than paparazzi photos: it is, perhaps, the best way to define how out of the loop our favorite Litchfield prisoners truly are.
By the way, Taystee -- if you're reading this at your desk outside Caputo's office? These days Taylor Swift is allegedly dating Tom Hiddleston.