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Leaves Of Three
Panties, paranoia, and pastries reign over Episode 8.
Are you guys having fun? I really, really am -- this whole season's crackled with more energy, wit, and excitement than the previous two combined. (In, as they say on The Good Wife, my opinion.) From strange food to stranger business plans to stranger danger, this episode had a multitude of fantastic moments. Here are our top twelve.
- Beef Wellington
- Sam Healy
I don't have the compassion for Healy that some of my colleagues do (which, honestly, says good things about them and bad things about me). I can't get past his homophobic misogyny, and it gives me great joy to see him flounder and fail. Watching him sniff Red's kitchen coat moments before he gets busted for trying to medicate Soso, all I could think was, "Oh god, what must that thing smell like? Looks like Piper found her first customer."
- Soap Joke Lady's Soap Joke
Poor Soap Joke Lady! I won't lie, this is the kind of joke one might, say, IM a friend at the end of a long day. Bark out at a work meeting? Not so much.
Too soon, Soap Joke Lady. It will always be too soon for that one.
- Alex Vause
From Alex's Hot Topical Eurotrash Bar Adventure...
...to hotel room bloodbath, it's been a bumpy week for Piper's better half. Forced to hear her partner go on and on about the panty business, Alex's paranoia seems to hit a new level when she focuses on harmless quirkbot Lolly. Don't let that dummy Piper talk you out of listening to your gut, Alex! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you, girl!
- That Cantaloupe
I've never been to a private prison management company meeting, so who knows, but for the life of me I cannot figure out how anyone at this meeting is expected to consume this cantaloupe.
In between anti-Semitic soap jokes and the realization that Danny is a recipient of nepotism, is one supposed to find a knife and gut that thing in the middle of the conference room table? How much will you guys give me to just pick it up and bite into it like an apple? Noooooo! Don't send me to Edward in HR!
Are you kidding me? There are TWO of them?
- Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren
Cast out of her usual role as bonkers weirdo with occasional nuggets of truth, Suzanne should be able to sit back and enjoy her newfound popularity as the author of Time Hump Chronicles, right?
If only! Now Suzanne must contend with every writer's scourge: critics and commentators. In a subplot I think we can all safely assume reflects the OITNB's writers' experiences every time they identify themselves as such, Suzanne is beset on all sides by a darker affliction than insanity: her audience.
- Brook Soso
Hey, she got away from Healy, right?
- Joe Caputo's Flip Phone
I'm not that bummed out that Danny took a bite out of Caputo -- that seemed a long time coming, given how Caputo talks to him. What does depress me is Caputo's sad Kyocera flip phone.
When Chang has a better phone than you, you know you're in shit shape.
- Pornstache's Mom's Prison Visiting Attire
Delia Powell, you did a shitty job raising Pornstache (or so it appears), but this dress is impeccable. Sorry you'll always associate it with the day you found out you wouldn't be getting that baby after all! But at least now you can stop paying off Aleida. You know what that means, don't you? More money for clothes! Yay!
- Piper Chapman
I'm as surprised as anyone to see Piper ranking so high in this list, but the show's resident sad sack is kind of turning it around, isn't she? This episode's vaginal-funk-infused St. Crispin's Day speech felt like the most fun poor Taylor Schilling's had in a long time. Did her flirtatious interaction with CO Baxter Bayley gross me out? Sure, of course it did, but Alan Aisenberg did such a nice job in that scene that I wasn't overly skeeved. Who knows if this whole flavor-packets-for-crusty-Whispers thing will work out, but it's not like Piper has anything better to do.
- Charlie Coates And Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett Talk Doughnuts
This whole thing, where Pennsatucky mentors Coates, is so fantastically fun and funny that it almost makes me forget how much Coates reminds me of Nick from New Girl. The best part of their interaction is their doughnut discussion, which was so great I just had to go watch it again as I was typing this (it kicks off at Netflix's 27:21 to go mark, if you want to go watch it too).
I thought the conversation hit its peak at "What does a maple log know about making doughnuts, it's like a totally different species," but when Pennsatucky says that Trudy's sign should feature a doughnut eating himself -- "He'd be friggin' smiling because the taste of himself is so good, then you wouldn't fear death no more" -- I called my tattooer to get that permanently added to my stomach. Whoever wrote that deserves all the awards. Nobel, Pulitzer, Good Housekeeping. All of them.
I loved Lolly last season, and was bummed that we saw her so briefly. So when I saw Lori Petty getting out of that van in Season 3, I didn't think things could get any better.
I was wrong.