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I Am A Frozen Kosher Meal

We're taking over!

I may not be best lunch. Hell, I don't even know when I was shoved in the back of this deep freeze. When you're alone for so long in a dark, cold place, time begins to morph and bend around. An hour may be a week. A day could be centuries. Or it could all be five minutes and the torture never ends. Why don't more Jews commit non-violent crimes? I just want to be eaten! I was put on this earth to nourish one Jew for one meal of one day of her sentence, yet I wait. I freeze. I wait. I collect frost. I wait. Is condensation Kosher? I don't know. All I know is no one wants me.

This can't be happening. The door is opening. No one has opened the door to my prison in so long. This has to be a joke. I'm being lifted by a disgruntled woman wearing an apron. You don't look Jewish, why do you need me? ...Wait, anyone can be Jewish. It's wrong of me to assume that Jews all look the same.

Wait, please don't put me in another box. Why am I spinning? It's so loud! It's getting hot, hotter, oh god let me out! I didn't mean to question your Jewish faith, I bet you were bat mitzvah'd and everything! My frost is melting. My plastic wrap is shrinking. SAVE ME!

What's that bell?

...Oh thank god.

Why are you handing me to another woman, oh aproned savior? Wait, this can't be. I'm being eaten. It's happening! This prisoner with pom poms for hair will be nourished by me for about five hours, and I've never been happier! But wait. Why does everyone else have Kosher trays that look like me too? I've always understood that there were many like me out there. There's more that one Jew in the world. But are they all in prison? Why are there so many Jews here?

Pom Pom Hair has put me down on the table, probably to talk about cool Jewish stuff with her other Jewish friends. Wait, why are they bringing in a rabbi? Was I not properly blessed before I left the factory? That makes the most sense. There's just an influx of Jewish prisoners now and the frozen Kosher meals factory must have missed a crucial step in my production and thankfully one of the cooks here caught the glaring mistake and called in an emergency Rabbi.

But Pom Pom Hair isn't saying anything along those lines. Testing to see if they're really Jewish? That's a First Amendment violation! I may be just a lowly frozen Kosher meal, but I at least know basic human rights. Unless...could it be that no one here is Jewish? The woman down the table with the big eyes and spaghetti hair is eating off a regular tray, and her food looks disgusting! THAT'S IT! They're using me! Everyone with a Kosher meal is just using us! I know my frozen broccoli is delicious, but it's reserved for people who actually need it! It's not hard to convert, especially since there's all the time in the world in prison. Put in the work and you can eat me in all of my unleavened glory.

Pom Pom Hair, you have no right to me now! Unless and until you undertake the proper course of study, put the fork down! Save me for Ginsberg! No! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

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