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Reason Netflix released the whole season the same day.


Does S04.E11 Of Orange Is The New Black Prove That A Prison Lockdown Is Just Like A Slumber Party?

And more not-quite-burning questions sparked by the episode.

Sometime, heavy shit happens, like when your prison has to go on lockdown because a dismembered body was discovered in the garden. It's a drag -- the guards leave the lights on all night and you get exhausted from dancing, the puking phase of your withdrawal, your involuntarily participation in a fight club, and so on -- but that doesn't mean it doesn't lead to some interesting questions.

Has anyone on earth ever had a shopping list as succinct as "orange juice, toothpaste, AR-15 assault rifle"?

If yes, our country is in worse shape than even Rep. John Lewis realizes. Burn down the box stores. Frame Suzanne's Employee Of The Month certificate for her first, but then: Burn. Them. Down.

Why does CO Stratman have to be so uncomfortably hot?

I realize this is a personal opinion/problem, but it's really hard having an irrational crush on a dude who's such a jackass, you know? I guess it could be worse -- he's not Humps -- but he still does stuff that would make Pornstache cringe, and that's a low, looooow bar. The Flores thing is pure stubbornness, a trait which I stubbornly refuse to judge, but is it even possible for him to be redeemed through a backstory after what he does to Suzanne? I really don't think so, and that sort of makes me sadder than when my boyfriend's wife calls (thank you, Flaca, for that brilliant line).

Is Grace still with her bf?

Cause she damn better well be. Her little weekend romp in St. Mary's (it's in the Chesapeake) cost her sister her freedom and a small child his life (probably?), so that dude she was with better have stuck around and put a ring on it. And not only that, they better visit Suzanne on at least a monthly basis, and continually fill her commissary account so that she has enough for all of the popsicles she could possibly ever want. That's just the price you have to pay for failing to get your special needs sister the appropriate care for your long weekend.

WTF is wrong with Piscatella?

Like, when did he go from Team Caputo to Team I'm An Ass With Power Issues? Literally every action he takes (inmate interrogations, his treatment of Red) is uncalled for, even in consideration of the chopped-up arm. There's something uneasy and softly, almost sinisterly disturbing about him; his politeness catches you off-guard, and it makes him all the more dangerous. I get that the failed gay conversation therapy his mom sent him to wasn't all that fun, but can all of his issues even be traced back to that? What's his backstory? And why do I have the feeling his house definitely has, like, strange dolls in a moderately-sized Victorian dollhouse?

More Frieda, please!

Not a question, just a humble request. She's been a quietly hilarious breakout character this season, and her honest wonder as to whether she was convicted for the time she killed a cop with his own gun is hilarious. She keeps her cool in crisis ("Another manipulation? They hit you repeatedly in the face. Be ready for that too") and doesn't really judge so much as keeps score. While the whole Hollywood prequel/sequel trend leaves much to be desired, I think the right creative team could really make a young Frieda/Miss Rosa/Red series work.

How is it possible to be let down when Healy's mail order bride doesn't return his call?

Good grief, has any male character on this show ever been so pathetic? It's actually a marvel: Healy's a complete bigot, but yet there's something almost endearing about him. Maybe it's the earnestness; maybe it's the tragic family life he was raised in; maybe it's good writing. But as he walks into the ocean to drown himself, it's hard not to want his stupid ex-wife (whom he absolutely did mistreat) to be the person on the other end of the phone call that brings him back to the beach. It's comical that it's just work (again), but sad that Healy answers anyway, and slightly troubling that he goes straight to Piscatella's office in his wet clothing. His turning on Lolly is sad, but at the same time, it's not hard to see that, from his perspective, it's unquestionably the right thing to do.

Can we unsee that threesome?

Seeing Judy King and Yoga Jones make out was something I never knew I never wanted to set, but now that we all have: who do you think was on top? And what happened to Luschek's undying love for Nicky? Even if she's a lesbian, the way to get over her isn't to get under the older crazy lady with the molly. It's as disappointing as it is upsetting because, for once, it seemed like the overgrown baby was moving toward taking accountability for his life decisions, but now we're going to be stuck on repeat, trapped by his non-existent character arc. Does Judy even have an endgame? Or is she just toying with him because she really does find him attractive? And why ruin Yoga Jones for us at the same time?!

WTF did Kukudio do?

If Red was caught with five bodies in her freezer, and Frieda knows the length of time required for fingerprints to decompose, what on earth could Maureen have been convicted of that was bad enough to have shocked Caputo? Did she go full-on Fatal Attraction toward a former lover? Is she a cannibal? A secret undercover FBI agent? A poet laureate with a cause? The Zodiac Killer? Inquiring minds want to know, especially because she's one of the few that we don't have any background on yet.

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