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Reason Netflix dropped the entire season on the same day.


Ask A Vengeful Russian On S04.E12 Of Orange Is The New Black

Galina 'Red' Reznikov has been around the block, and she knows how to solve any emergency. She's got the answer to your problems.

Q Dear Vengeful Russian,

I'm having some trouble with a talkative coworker. She's very nice, but she also won't shut up about every detail of her life. From nine in the morning to six in the evening, she's telling me nonstop about what she thinks about her neighbors, what her dog thinks about her neighbors, what her neighbors think about her dog, what her dog thinks about Game Of Thrones, and on and on and on. It's not that I don't like connecting with my workmates, but is there any way to gently hint to her that she needs to take a break? She followed me into the bathroom three times last week, just so she wouldn't have to interrupt the saga of how long it took for her to drag her trash out to the curb.

Trying To Work In Weehauken

A Dear Trying,

You need to kill her. It's easy. From your description, I'm guessing that her mouth is always open, so she's probably inhaling a lot, too. All you need to do is slip some curare into her perfume (because she is definitely a woman who applies more perfume throughout the day) and she'll be dead in no time.

Then you need to get her body back to her home. Maybe you could hide her in a large flower pot or something. Her dog will certainly lick her face, which will expose it to the curare. The neighbors will be arrested for the crime, and they'll be sent to the electric chair. The whole messy situation will be taken care of, and you can get back to your data entry. Congratulations.

Q Dear Vengeful Russian,

What is the best way to get grass stains out of silk?

Spotty In Spotsylvania

A Dear Spotty,

First things first. Has anyone seen your grass-stained silk? You need to kill them. You need to kill them now. Before they tell anyone. You need to get behind them and cut their throats with one swift slash from a razor-sharp knife. Then move to your next target. Take them all out. Leave the bodies where they lie. As the authorities get distracted by the wave of murder, you'll be able to slip away and apply some OxiClean. You might also want to apply some cold salt water for the blood that will get on your clothes.

Q Dear Vengeful Russian,

I think my new husband is cheating on me. I don't have any proof, or even any reason to be suspicious, but that's probably just because he's so sneaky. I'm currently in a minimum security prison, so I can't check up on him. Is there some way I can get someone to spy on him for me?

Jealous In Jail

A Dear Jealous,

That's a tricky one. You're in prison, so you can't kill him directly. But maybe you could murder someone who then goes on to murder him? No, wait. That doesn't make a lot of sense. You can't rely on ghosts to do your dirty work for you.

Okay. Let's work this through. Could you kill the prison itself? If the building were dead, you'd be free to...no, that won't work either. If you kill a prison, you probably just get put in double-prison.

It's no good. There's no alternative. You have to remember that this is the man you married. The man you love. You have to trust him. Serve your time. Pay your debt to society. Eventually you'll be let out. You'll be reunited with your beloved.

And then you can kill him.

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