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A Definitive Ranking Of What Is Best In Life, According To S04.E06 Of Orange Is The New Black

What's better than being famous? Lots of things, if you ask Suzanne.

Every time you think things at Litchfield can't get darker, they do. So far this season alone: the prison population doubled; a guard/hitman was brutally murdered; racial tensions erupted; the scariest guard ever signed on as captain; Sophia's in the SHU for no reason; and someone keeps pooping in the shower. So it seems like an odd time for an episode to present a recurring motif of enumerating life's simple pleasures, but here we are.

After a long afternoon spent flipping through Us Weekly and googling every name and question she can think of, it occurs to Taystee that with the help of her pals, and fortuitous access to a contraband cell phone, she could take a tabloid-worthy photo of famous fellow inmate Judy King and make some serious bank. But when she brings it up to the group, her framing question of "what's better than being famous?" opens up a larger dialogue, and yields many more answers -- most courtesy of Suzanne -- than the simple answer of "being rich" that she was looking for.

Meanwhile, Joel Luschek -- perhaps the OITNB universe's most ardent connoisseur of simple pleasures -- is finding his enjoyment of nearly everything hampered by the overwhelming guilt he feels at the fact that his old buddy Nicky is rotting away in max and it's mostly his fault. What's a guard to do but seek counsel from his new buddy, Judy King, who'll probably have not only advice on his predicament, but a few simple (and not-so-simple) pleasures of her own to share?

  1. Daisies

    Okay, they're pretty, relatively easy to cultivate, and they can be twisted into a lovely crown for those times when you're traipsing through the forest with your potentially-crazier-than-you love interest, but while daisies are arguably still better than being famous, their short shelf life and lack of color variety puts them low on the flower rankings -- and these power rankings.

  2. Picking A Dry Booger

    Gross. But, I will grant, its inclusion on this list is not out of line.

  3. Smelly Markers

    This really depends on which color you've got. I think we can all agree that the blue one does not smell remotely like raspberry.

  4. Any Animal

    Again, results can vary wildly. Are we talking about sloths and teacup pigs, or are we talking about mole rats and turkey vultures? Here, Suzanne is painting the fauna world with a brush so broad it seems out of character; you just know that deep down, she has a favorite-animal hierarchy that would make Carl Linnaeus proud. But that's another list for another time, I suppose.

  5. Getting Drunk On The Liquid Equivalent Of Werther's Originals

    You can't argue with $5.98 a bottle, and it does pair quite nicely with one's THC-laced edible of choice. Although you might want to take 'er easy on the sugar, Luschek; I'm pretty sure dental plans were a casualty of the MCC takeover.

  6. A Warm Bath

    When you're used to waiting in line for a cold, scummy shower, a clean, warm tub all to yourself has to be the stuff dreams are made of.

  7. A Really Good Dream

    This has to be especially true of Suzanne's dreams: I'll bet the mind that brought us The Time Hump Chronicles would be a very fun place to hang out.

  8. Being The Car In Monopoly

    Depending on the vintage of set your grandma kept in her basement, fights in your neck of the woods might have broken out over who got to be the scottie dog, or the guy on horseback. But if it's on the table, the best Monopoly piece is, and always will be, the race car. Abdullah is right -- nobody wants to be the shoe. Frankly, I'd rather be the thimble.

  9. Pizza

    Be it a reheated slice from the 99-cent place or an artisanal pie worthy of Judy King herself, pizza is absolutely nature's most perfect food.

  10. Graham Cracker And Icing Sandwiches

    Possibly the simplest and laziest of all desserts, but if you get the proportions just right, they're as good as any cookie your oven can produce.

  11. Cake Or Pie In The Break Room

    What's better than a quick and easy dessert? Free dessert. In the middle of the day. Just...if it's a container of cookies with Joe Caputo's name on it, you might want to beware of tampering.

  12. The Feeling You Get When You Make A Really Good Joke And Someone Laughs, But In A Nice Way, Not A Mean Way

    Probably not the one about the penguin and the eggplant.

  13. Pizza, Again

    Suzanne didn't list this twice accidentally, and neither did I.

  14. Money

    Is it cynical to rank material wealth so high on the list? Maybe. But, logically speaking, money has the potential to purchase just about all of the other things on this list, which is sort of the power-ranking equivalent of wishing for more wishes. Still, Taystee's definitely got a point when she notes that few things in life bring more peace of mind than a well-stocked retirement fund, and being famous doesn't even come close.

  15. A Good Shit In The Morning

    According to Judy King, this is everybody's favorite thing. For maximum enjoyment, get this accomplished right before a long shower. But please, for the sake of the custodial staff, don't combine the two. (I'm looking at you, Mystery Shower Pooper of Litchfield.)

  16. Whipped Butter And Fancy Sea Salt On A Cracker

    According to Judy King, this is better than everyone's favorite thing, and who am I to argue with the queen of TV chef-ery? For maximum enjoyment, share your crackers with the deadbeat guard who's about to throw you some much-needed D in exchange for the legal assistance that'll clear his conscience.

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