Once Upon A Time Seeks Its Destiny 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea
Spoiler alert: Henry doesn't drown. Unfortunately.
Emma had the shakes and finally told everyone about her visions of her death. Jafar gave Aladdin the Fates' shears in a horrible mixing of cultures and mythologies, and he used them to change his destiny and stop being a Savior. Emma doesn't want that, so she gave the shears to Killian to get rid of, but he didn't.
C'mon, Kid, I'll Show You How To Put On Eyeliner
Who's causing a family crisis? Fucking Henry.
How? By being all "You're not my dad!" toward Killian, despite never having displayed such behavior before. (Remember when he went to Hell to help get Killian back? Well..."help.")
Which relatives have a problem with it? Killian, who's been left to watch Henry while Emma goes off to deal with Jasmine, even though Henry is 25. He's a good sport, though, suggesting Henry teach him to play X-Box, and throwing out his Pop Tarts in favor of a breakfast of grapefruit and boiled mackerel. "There'll be no scurvy here today." Hee.
Who's an unlikely ally? The Evil Queen. She materializes while Henry's taking out the trash, reminds him she's been an unhappy stepchild too, and reveals the shears in the toolbox in the shed.
Spoiler: It's Henry. You don't need me to tell you he shouldn't be trusted with magical objects. Or sharp objects. Or any objects.
We Found Nemo In A Hopeless Place
Name: Nemo. Age: 50s. Occupation: Submarine Captain. Goal: Short term: To stowaway on Hook's ship so he can kidnap him. Long term: To find wayward souls full of hatred and revenge and fill their hearts with family by leading them to The Mysterious Island. (There are no women on the crew; are we sure it's not Fire Island?) Sample Dialogue: "You see, I lost a family too. They were brutally murdered while I was at sea. I spent decades hunting down the men responsible for what happened. Likely one of them with this very blade. And when I was finished, all I was left with was an empty heart and a bloodstained harpoon."
Plot Lightning Round
Regina calls the Evil Queen and Zelena out of the house to tell them that exposing Emma's secret didn't work. Considering how often this ploy has been used, you'd think EQ and Zelena wouldn't stay out there long enough for David and Snow to free cricket Archie, but it only occurs to them that something might be wrong when they hear the baby crying. EQ goes on the attack but Regina defends Snow and David.
Jasmine and Aladdin catch up at the diner. Agrabah still needs his help. He's not having it. Look at that smile, Jasmine! Forget Agrabah and just let him rub your magic lamp! (Hey, I was off last week, I had to get one in somewhere.)
Killian has been waiting for Henry to come back in and teach him how to play X-Box, but he's realized on his own that there's a slight design problem with that. He finds Henry missing and the shears too.
Killian finds Henry untying a rowboat, about to take the shears out to sea. Hook says he did it for Emma's protection, but just then the Nautilus surfaces and two dudes with harpoons on the pier order them to get on it.
Place Of Interest
Storybrooke General: The Continuing Story Of A Beauty Who's Gone To The Beasts
David found a badly injured refugee, who he doesn't recognize, in the woods. Snow, who's apparently given up on the whole teaching thing, meets David at the hospital and stays with the patient while David goes off to investigate his identity.
She runs into Belle in the waiting room, waiting for her first ultrasound and fretting about how involved she should let Gold be in the whole baby thing.
Like the high school, the size of this hospital confuses me. It seems very large and busy for the small town I believed Storybrooke to be. Did all the extras have other identities in the Enchanted Forest? Is Whale the only doctor? Then again, the ER and obstetrics do seem to unwisely share a waiting room, so maybe it's smaller than it looks.
I Guess Henry Is Old Enough To Be A Shitty Teen (tm) Now
Mutual of PTV's Animal Kingdom
He Put His Tentacles All Over Me!
Nemo leads Hook and another crew member up a path in a cave straight out of Star Trek. I'll never make fun of the green screen again, I promise! First Mate Floppy Hair reminds Hook to stay close in a way that suggests they borrowed the set from a very different kind of show.
Floppy says that Nemo saved his life -- and stopped his search for revenge -- after he lost his family.
Hook tries to run and a many-tentacled sea creature grabs him. It takes both Nemo and Floppy to save him, and even then Hook is almost pulled under. Hook's surprised they took the risk.
Plot Lightning Round
I Guess We All Learned Something Today
Gold visits EQ and asks if she remembers her old lessons. She flirts with him in a deeply weird baby-voiced way that is completely out of character for anyone in this show ever. But he only points out the most important lesson: "Never take what's mine." He wants the shears back...to use on Belle.
Emma catches Aladdin stealing a wallet from a car, and takes him to the town line to tell him she's also a Savior, and that she's tried to run from her fate -- but not this time. She tells him to come back, face the people he disappointed, and make up for his mistake. He thinks whatever happened to Agrabah is his fault, but she points out that he doesn't even know what happened yet. They really could have had this talk over coffee at the diner.
Killian tells Henry that he killed his father, and in so doing destroyed the life of his half-brother. That's why he cares so much about having a family and protecting Henry now.
He Ain't Floppy, He's My Brother
Situation: Back on the Nautilus, Nemo shows Hook the treasure they were after in the cave: A key to a gateway to "The Mysterious Island," where everyone on the ship can stop trying to escape his past and start over.
What makes it awkward? First Mate Floppy Hair left his knife behind, and Hook recognizes it. Hook asks how Floppy's family was "taken," and Nemo says his father was killed while Floppy slept when he was a boy. Hook demands to know Floppy's name, and of course it's Liam.
How is order restored? Hook tries to leave, but Nemo is convinced that Liam is no longer interested in vengeance. Hook's pretty sure he'd feel differently if Liam knew who he actually was, and of course Liam overhears this so now he does. Liam moves to stab Hook, but Nemo comes between them, taking the knife in the gut. Hook's all, "Welp, I told him to let me go," and jumps into the hole.
I Am Not A Crackpatropos
Turns out no one ever searched Henry because he looks like he's not a threat (fair), so he still has the shears on him. He just chose not to mention this, even though two scenes ago he seemed pretty certain they were going to die. Off-screen, I guess they...pick the lock? With the Shears of Fate?
I am not a crackpot, but if these shears are a thing (not to mention all these characters), then don't the Fates exist in this world? Is Atropos just off somewhere looking for her scissors? Or worse, is she forced to watch these two idiots fuck around with them? Has no one died since Jafar got a hold of them? Does she have a spare? Sure, I'm overthinking it but this five minutes seems to be more time than the writers have spent thinking about how this works at all.
ANYWAY, the way off the ship is through a hole in the bottom...is that how submarines work? There's only one helmet, despite the many crew members we've seen, so Killian sends Henry into the hole without him.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Liam vs. Killian
Liam explains that they'd made it to the Mysterious Island -- which of course is the Land of Untold Stories -- and Nemo lived, but everything is ruined now that Hyde brought them here, which is somehow Killian's fault too. Henry's come back, and arrives just in time to beg for Killian's life just long enough to distract Liam so Killian can knock him out.
Wrap It Up
Killian promises Henry they'll find another way to prevent Emma's visions from coming true. They put the shears in Nemo's chest and toss it overboard.
Aladdin comes back to Jasmine (who has also stopped going to work, apparently) to apologize for running off. He offers to return to Agrabah and help her. But she tells him that when she returned home from a meeting in a neighboring kingdom, Agrabah was gone. Okay, why did you tell him all that about needing his help there and not lead with that?
Liam wakes up in the hospital with Killian by his bedside. Their banter doesn't get any less porny now that we know they're brothers. The mystery patient in the woods was, of course, Nemo, who gets wheeled into the room.
Killian tells Emma about the shears. She's fine with it.
EQ comes to the Pawn Shop serving Alexis Carrington realness to admit she failed to tear Emma and Killian apart. She's forgotten the most important lesson Rumple taught her: "Know what you want, and go after it with all you have." She kisses Gold, and of course Belle, coming to drop off a print of the ultrasound, sees them through the window. Someone or something who lives underwater owed EQ a favor and retrieved the shears for her. She'll turn them over in exchange for Snow White's heart.