Once Upon A Time Makes Things Crystal Clear
The Underworld arc nears its end. Will the dead stay buried? Can bromance bloom in Purgatory?
Zeus stopped Hades's heart and banished him to the Underworld, and he's still pissed about it. Belle put herself under a sleeping curse. Hades had the pages about him in the Underworld version of the book of fairy tales torn out, before proposing to Zelena and absconding to Storybrooke with her and her baby.
I Come From A Land Down Under(world)
Alert Type: I'm Not Good I'm Not Nice I'm Just Right Alert.
Issue: Hades is ecstatic to be back in the land of the living, without the orange filters, but Zelena is concerned that Regina and the others aren't back yet, and questions why they're still in the woods and not going in to town.
Complicating Factors: "These people are always looking for villains to blame," Hades tells Zelena, warning that if they go into town, Snow and the other townspeople are likely to pounce on them.
Resolution: Zelena offers to go ahead and explain the situation, leaving the baby with Hades in case they don't believe her. Hades: "You would trust me with your child?" Someone's been watching Into The Woods in Purgatory!
Spoiler: Not trust the God of Death? Perish the thought!
The Whoops And Future King
Situation: Arthur (hey, remember him?) comes running out of the woods. He slips and falls at Hades's feet.
What makes it awkward? He's handcuffed. (It seems Merida left Sleepy -- hey, remember them? -- on guard duty).
How is order restored? Arthur introduces himself and explains that he was unjustly imprisoned and is destined to rule a kingdom, which Hades can relate to. "I think I was destined to rule this kingdom. And I will need your help," he tells Arthur, before breaking his neck.
Plot Lightning Round
Going Out Of Unfinished Business
Zelena finds Regina and Robin in the park, and they fill her in on the double-crossing and the trapping. Zelena wants to believe in true love and her own ability to change Hades. "He's not the man you think he is," Regina tells her, as kindly as possible. "Actually, he's not a man at all! He's a GOD! And if you try to hurt him, you do so at your own peril." If a puff of green smoke could talk, this one would say, "I said good day!"
Arthur arrives in the Purgatorybrooke Diner, running through all the Kubler-Ross stages about his own death. Hook figures that his arrival means bad stuff is going down at home, and that his own unfinished business is Emma's safety. He invites Arthur to join him on a quest -- to find Hades's weakness, now that his stuff is unguarded -- explaining to Arthur that from here he'll move on to a Better or Worse Place, and if he does a good deed in the Underworld it can get him to the Better Place. Really not how it's supposed to work but FINE.
The heroes find Arthur's body, almost as if Hades wanted them to find it and come after him to prove a point to Zelena about how everyone is out to get them! Emma runs off half-cocked, and David stops her, warning her that they have to be extra-careful before fighting a god, and that she might want to slow down and grieve for Hook for a minute.
Zelena and Hades have taken over Regina's office because
they don't have any other setsit symbolizes the life and power Regina always wanted. Hades offers to turn himself in so that no harm will come to Zelena or the baby. She stops him; she won't risk losing him again. In that case, he says, they have to defend themselves. Zelena puts up a protection spell, and Hades shows her his secret weapon: the Olympian Crystal.
"Sorry I Keep Apologizing For Your Rapist"
Robin just isn't over that time Zelena killed his wife, then pretended to be her for weeks, having sex with him and getting pregnant.Look, I'm sorry I trusted Zelena with your daughter.I'm glad to finally hear it.Just for once I was trying to be optimistic and give her a second chance, like you gave me.You deserved it, she doesn't.All she wants is what I have. I made her think love is possible.So you're not actually apologizing. You're defending her. Again.Robin, no.Fogive me if I don't care to listen, I have a daughter to save.
Snooty And The Beast
Who called the meeting? Rumple.
What's it about? He tells Moe about the sleeping curse, and how Belle needs True Love's Kiss from him to wake her.
How'd it go? Moe would rather see his daughter sleep forever than wake to a life with Rumple. Rumple threatens violence, playing on Moe's PTSD from the time he beat him back in Season 1, but Moe holds his ground. Emma comes to his rescue when she arrives to ask Rumple if he knows of any way to defeat Hades.
How'd that go? "Why would I tell you? You're the one who got us into this mess."
That Quote"I thought you guys would come back soon. I smelled a bromance. Table for two?"- The Blind Witch -
In Hades's unoccupied lair, Arthur, using his kingly experience, finds a secret compartment in the throne, containing those missing pages from the storybook. They hold the secret to defeating Hades.
Hook and Arthur head back up to the diner, where Hook asks Cruella what she did with the phone that let people send messages to the land of the living. After flirting with them for a bit (who wouldn't?), she tells them she destroyed it. Hook gets an idea and asks about the storybook. Cruella put it "in the River of Souls." (By which she means that chamber where Milah died, not actually in the River of Souls, but Hook apparently gets it.
Situation: Hades explains that his whole banishment was over the Olympian Crystal: Zeus didn't want him to have it, so he broke it and stopped Hades's heart so that he wouldn't have the power to put it back together. (But still let him keep it?) But now he can, and with it, he and Zelena can have any life they want. They can even rule Storybrooke.
What makes it awkward? Zelena doesn't want to rule Storybrooke; she just wants a nice little house somewhere, with a yard for her daughter to play in.
How is order restored? Hades is still a master manipulator, and he tells her he thinks they might have to make a show of strength to survive.
Do You Have A Moment To Answer A Few Questions About Evil?
Rumple calls the office and offers Hades a deal: protection in exchange for a piece of the Crystal, which Rumple was somehow able to sense. (If the whole deal here is the Crystal has to be whole to work...never mind.) They make vague threats at each other and hang up.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Hook and Arthur vs. Lost Souls
Having taken a boat to the Gates of Hell (or whatever), Hook heads up the stairs to retrieve the book from where Cruella has cheekily placed it in the hands of a gargoyle, while Arthur guards the boat. A soul comes out of the river and attacks Arthur, trying to drag him into the water. Hook grabs a torch and runs down, easily destroying the soul. He heads back up, and another soul goes for the book. Hook tosses the torch to Arthur; he gets the soul, but the book goes sliding toward the River. Hook dives for it and catches it just in time.
A Wizard Did It
What Was Sundered And Undone
Hook explains to Arthur that the pages say that the Olympian Crystal has the power to destroy a god (which, even without knowing what's to come, seems like something everyone else would have figured out?), and restores the torn pages to the Underworld copy of the book.
In Storybrooke, Emma weepily looks at a picture of herself and Hook in her own copy of the book before tossing it aside and getting back to her research. But suddenly it opens on its own. It has the Hades pages too.
Plot Lightning Round
Remember Back In College When He Fell In Love With Carol And Bought Her That Ridiculously Expensive [Olympian] Crystal Duck?
The crystal is complete. Zelena suggests that they just leave and not fight anyone.
There's a secret tunnel under the Town Hall that's never come up before now, apparently. (Look, I'm no witch or god of death but how do these spells keep exempting tunnels and secret passages? Shouldn't they be 360-degree things?) Robin and Regina have made their way through it to Regina's office, but they haven't really thought of a plan beyond that. They just want to get the baby to safety for now. Robin totally caves and concedes that Zelena deserves another chance. I mean, I agree, but I probably wouldn't if I were him?
Just then, Emma arrives outside and starts blasting away at the protection spell. This draws Zelena outside and sends Hades to look for her accomplices. But this is actually a coincidence; she isn't working with Regina and Robin at all!
Emma tells Zelena she doesn't want to hurt her. She shows her the pages, suggesting how dangerous the Crystal is, but Zelena's takeaway is that she's trying to kill the man she loves. (Also true!)
The Underworld Was Wide Enough
Regina and Robin get the baby, but Hades returns while they're cooing at it. He points the Crystal at them. "This is not going to kill you. This is going to END you. No Underworld, no moving on. One minute you exist and the next you don't." He aims the crystal at Regina, but Robin jumps in front of her. A bolt of lightning shoots from the crystal directly into Robin's chest. Hades laughs.
Robin manages to turn around to look at Regina as her eyes fill with tears. His body falls to the floor, leaving a ghostly image, which raises its hand to her face before disappearing. Regina drops to her knees by the body and turns her full Evil Queen gaze to Hades.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Regina vs. Zelena vs. Hades
Zelena returns, and Hades tells her Robin threatened to kill her. Zelena doesn't know whom to believe. "Can't we just be happy together? Why do we need a kingdom?" she asks. "This is about getting back at the families who never believed in us," Hades tells her. "Remember what I told you, there's no better revenge."
While he's distracted with Zelena, Regina charges Hades, tackling him. He drops the crystal. Zelena picks it up. "It's okay," Hades eggs her on. "Use it. End her."
Regina looks her sister in the eye. "Zelena. I do believe in you. I defended you when no one else did. I wanted so badly for you to find love. But sometimes love blinds us. Hades tried to kill me already. Robin died to protect me. That's what true love is. It's sacrifice. It's giving up everything for the person you love. But Hades won't give up a single thing for you. Like he said, he wants it all."
Hades reminds Zelena that Regina had everything when she had nothing, and now she can take it from her.
"All I ever wanted was love," Zelena replies. "You told me that was enough for you. Now I realize nothing ever will be." She pulls the crystal back and Regina cringes, but Zelena turns and plunges the crystal into Hades's chest.
Regina runs to Robin's body and Zelena runs to her side. They hold each other and cry.
Wrap It Up
At the gate, Hook can sense that Hades is gone and "Emma did exactly what she needed to" (nothing?). Defeating Hades was his unfinished business (seriously, he and Emma had literally nothing to do with it). A light appears in the archway and he suggests to Arthur that he come with him. "I'll be all right," Arthur says. "I was once prophesied to repair a broken kingdom. My mistake was thinking that kingdom as Camelot." And so he stays to rule the Underworld? Sure? Like, who makes these decisons?
You know who probably should make these decisions? Zeus, who greets Hook on the other side himself, thanks him for helping to defeat Hades, and escorts him "to where you belong."
Emma lays a flask on Hook's grave. "I thought you'd like this more than roses." Her own unfinished business complete, she's finally able to grieve.
At Robin's funeral, arrows with flowers tied to them are laid on his casket. "He never even got to name his daughter," Regina says. "There's only one name I can think of that's fitting," replies Zelena. "Robin."
Snow comforts Emma, who blames herself for everything. Emma asks to be alone, and as soon as she is there's a flash of light behind her. When Zeus cryptically sent Hook "where he belongs" he meant (as we all knew, because we've watched TV before) back to the living, even though, really, Zelena needed no help figuring out how that crystal worked.
Rumple walks into Regina's unlocked office, where the pile of ash that was Hades still sits (how quickly did they make these funeral arrangements? who's in charge of custodial services in the Town Hall?) and fishes out a still intact bit of the Crystal.