Once Upon A Time Belabors The Point

Belle and Rumple's birth plan really isn't going well.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Once Upon A Time has too many episodes per season. We always end up with weeks where nothing happens, or everything is reset because magic, or we spend lots of time with side characters who don't matter. Granted, the world of this show is huge and the side characters can be lots of fun, but it almost always feels like a waste of time. That said, I'm not entirely sure what the main plot of this season even is, which is a bigger problem. So maybe this episode isn't a detour at all, it's just a distraction from the things that I care about (the Evil Queen vamping it up, to a much lesser extent Emma's visions, and the B-plot of Aladdin and Jasmine because they're nice to look at). But be honest, does anyone care about Gold and Belle's stupid baby?

This show is dumb. I love this show because it's dumb. But this baby story is the dumbest, and they've given us way too much time to think about it. It makes no sense. Morfetus is fated to hate his dad? Couldn't Rumple just, y'know, be nice to him? Or, as established, he already hates his dad because he shares Belle's memories in the womb, in which case what does fate have to do with it? Plus, when Atropos cuts your thread you DIE. Get Wikipedia, writers. And wait, if everyone has these fates then what even is the point of any of this? AAAAAARRRRRGH!

Anyway, yeah, hot genie! Oh and Emma finds the sword that will supposedly kill her. That can't be good. But was it a typical episode of Once Upon A Time?

Once Upon A Time-ish Element Present?
F-ed Up Fairy Tales Of course there's always something, it's Once Upon A Time, but this week's flashback doesn't involve a fairy tale we already know, unless you count learning that Rumplestiltskin has mommy issues, which we probably could have guessed on our own. Beast Rumple steals a baby to lure the Black Fairy, a fairy who went bad and now steals children instead of protecting them, because she's the mother who abandoned him...without even giving him a name! I see what you did there, OUAT. This goes nowhere, at least so far.
Family Feud The main arc this week is Gold's ongoing plan to change his unborn child's fate so he'll wuv him. He plans to use an aging potion on Belle to speed up the pregnancy so he can steal the baby now, without having to wait around while Emma and the gang try to beat him. But when he has her cornered she reminds him that magic comes with a price, which in this case is that he'll lose her forever. Hasn't that ship already sailed? In any case he can't bring himself to do it. The Evil Queen can, though, dosing her tea at Granny's. When the baby is born, Belle asks Blue to be his fairy godmother, and to take him somewhere safe. She refuses to tell Gold his name, just like get it.

Meanwhile, the Evil Queen attacks Zelena, at Gold's behest, and Regina squeezes her own heart to stop her. But when Zelena finds out that Regina was only there coincidentally to try to find a spell they could use against Gold, she gets mad at her for stealing, rather than grateful for saving her life. Regina can't forgive her for Robin's death, but she saved her because "that's what heroes do." Okay, but heroes probably shut up about it once in a while.

It's A Small World After All This is the second week in a row they've referenced "Genie, you're free," which, barf. But this week it serves a pretty serious purpose: The lamp Aladdin and Jasmine found is empty except for a pair of bracelets, which Aladdin promptly puts on. Jasmine tries to stop him, since he'll become a prisoner of the lamp, but he figures it's not such a bad life, he could get free eventually, and they can use the power to find Agrabah. I know what I'm wishing for! I'd rub his lamp! He ain't never had a friend get it.
True Love's Blah Blah Blah Gold just wants to be loved, is that so wrong? He sees his new son as a fresh start, a chance for someone to love him at last. Sure, why not?
Good vs. Evil, But Which Is Which? Half a point, as the lines are pretty clearly drawn. We're supposed to feel bad for Rumple/Gold I guess, but he's just a dick. And for god's sake, Zelena, stop whining already.
All Magic Comes With A Price I mean, yes, in that people's actions have consequences and they're not good, but not in the literal sense this usually means on the show. It's not like using the aging potion on one person makes another person younger or something.
Shut up, Henry This episode is 100% Henry-free!
This Show Has A Deep, Rich History No deep cuts this week that I noticed, though the more we see of Beauty And The Beast-era Rumple, the less plausible it is that Belle would fall for him because he got her a pretty dress. O.G. Beast was grumpy; Rumple is stealing babies.
...As Long As It's Convenient No continuity appears to have been broken either.
O, Canada! Jaime Murray, who plays the Black Fairy, is English, but she was on Ringer, Warehouse 13, and Defiance, so she's clearly a resident of Vancouver.
Drag Queen Realness Drag Race's Katya would kill for this belt:


Bonus points for the Black Fairy.

Wig Cop On Patrol I don't really understand the Evil Queen's ponytail thing, Rumple's makeup is having a fight with his wig lace, and Emma's eyebrows are insane. But Belle's hair looks halfway decent! It's an OUAT miracle, so all other quibbles are excused.
Green Screen Fakeness It's a mostly real episode this week, and Rumple's house looks good enough.
6 / 13
Final Score
Once Upon A Time
Some bullshit about a baby
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