Screen: FX

Nip/Tuck Season 6 Is Back To Being Unspeakably Awful, But It's Okay Because Mario Lopez Is Wearing Lingerie

The finish line to Alex's Marathon Diary is in sight, but there are a whole bunch of garbage people trying to hold him back.

If I look at my marathon of Nip/Tuck as an actual marathon, I'm now in the midst of the post-wall, runner's high portion of my run; I feel no pain, but I know that continuing to run is doing me irrevocable harm.

Season 6 is a return to form, with ridiculously nonsensical storylines, characters dropping their few remaining redeeming qualities, and plenty of unbalanced women for Sean and Christian to fuck and then drop when they reveal themselves to be crazy bitches. Sometimes Vanessa Redgrave shows up and it's not all bad, but mostly it's remorseless, seemingly endless awfulness.

So, in (dis)honor of all the monsters on this show, I've ranked the characters of the first half of Nip/Tuck's final season from mild offenders to true blights on humanity.

  1. Erica
    I root for Vanessa Redgrave whenever she shows up. The show wants us to think of her as a cruel, cold mother to Julia, but Julia's generally the worst, so anyone showing up out of the blue to call her inadequate is golden in my book. Erica arrives after Sean's suicide attempt, to fight for custody of Annie and Connor, so no one has ever been more on the right side of a feud than Erica is here. So what if her young Italian stallion husband turned out to be a child molester? The kids are probably still in better hands with her than they were with Sean and Julia. I mean, check out Matt and his cavalcade of personality flaws.
  2. Dr. Mike
    Who knew I would actually enjoy Mario Lopez as an actor? His Dr. Mike is one of the few characters who's allowed to be superior to Christian in almost every way (including shlong length) without eventually revealing himself to be a secret serial killer. I'm sure he's not long for this show now that Kimber is actively voicing her displeasure about his being too nice, but at least we got to see him dressed up in fetish gear.
  3. Teddy
    Rose McGowen's quietly mischievous Teddy is definitely preferable to Katee Sackhoff's grating version of the character, not that the two shared anything in common besides the name. It was fun for two episodes to watch McGowen's Teddy plot to murder Sean, Annie, and Connor, even if her plan was terribly thought out. Her demise is less satisfying, though, coming at the hands of a completely random psycho rapist/murderer in the woods. All Teddy tried to do was murder some of the most annoying characters on the show. Does she deserve to be dismembered for that? Hell no!
  4. Sean
    Sean's always a dick, but at least he finally realized that this season and tried to drown himself in the ocean to save us all from his dickish ways. Even when Sean's in the right (like when he punched that child molester), he still comes off as an unbelievable douche-fuck of a person.
  5. Kimber
    Early in the season, Sean tells Christian that he and Kimber "are the male and female versions of the same person." What proof does Sean have of this? "You're both superficial, you're addicted to sex, and you were both molested as children." Oh, okay then. Characters have been making that comparison since Season 1, but I've never really tracked with that argument until recently. (Her treatment of Matt plus the collagen she jammed into her daughter's lips helped make that possible.) The biggest POS move Kimber's pulled so far this season? Probably getting engaged to Mario Lopez and then rejecting him when he doesn’t treat her as poorly as Christian does. Kimber's the walking, talking embodiment of the damaging cliché that women can only be happy when they're being treated like garbage.
  6. Matt
    One thing I've noticed about Nip/Tuck over six seasons is how often they make bold declarations about their characters only to completely reverse course a couple episodes later. Matt's done and been through a lot, from running over that Christian Scientist (#JusticeForCara, #NeverForget) to being molested by Famke Janssen to becoming both a Scientologist AND a meth addict. The end of Season 5 promised us a Matt that was finally getting his shit together, but then Season 6 opened with Matt as a failed mime turning to armed robbery. He eventually lands in jail, but instead of letting us joyfully imagine him rotting in a filthy cell, now we have to deal with his prison husband and his demand for Christian to give Matt breast implants. The worst part is that I know Matt's eventually going to get out of prison and redeem himself somehow. No character on this show deserves redemption less than that little prick.
  7. Jenny Jugs
    I'm convinced that whenever a guest actress on this show receives her script, all the character description says is, "Crazy Bitch. Interpret as you will." And if that's the case, Kiersten Warren certainly took her marching orders to heart. Jenny Jugs meets Christian at a strip club (dur) where her ginormous breasts landed her a job as a novelty act. When Christian tries to feel her up in the champagne room, she smacks him in the face with her bazooms, but not before having, like, nine manic episodes. Eventually, the two establish peace so Christian can give her a breast reduction. And then they fight again about nothing and she smacks him over the head with a bedpan. Jenny Jugs is a prime example of a female character with a mental disorder (bipolar, in this case) who only exists for Christian to insult, offer to help, and then insult again as she's being dragged out the door. See also: the woman who stabbed Sean in the leg so he'd help her pinch Zoloft from the emergency room during those two episodes he randomly had insomnia.
  8. Christian
    I knew we were gonna get a re-doucheified Christian after he found out that he didn't actually have breast cancer (UGGHHH), but still, I can’t with that guy anymore. Every time he calls Sean "buddy boy" or tricks Kimber into sleeping with him or refers to a trans character as a "freak" (which he does at least twice this season), I use what little influence I have on the universe to pray for the resurgence of his cancer. I guess I'm still pissed that Ryan Murphy chose to make a hero out of this doofus frat boy. I'm also pissed that Julian McMahon has been fat for at least two seasons now and he's still treated like the end-all-be-all of male sexuality. We have eyes, you guys.
  9. Liz
    Despite the feeble praise I offered for the Liz/Christian marriage plotline of last season, I found their divorce in Season 6 to be such an unbearably stupid story that it almost ruined my favorite character. The reasoning behind their marriage only makes sense when you take into account Christian's terminal cancer. When it's revealed that Christian's test results got mixed up and he's not actually dying (UGHHH), Liz's reaction should be joy for her friend, followed by an expeditious divorce; but, for some reason, Liz decided to take the divorce personally and use it to try to wring every last penny out of Christian. It makes ZERO SENSE that Liz would feel so jilted by a man, especially when that man is Christian, and especially because SHE'S A LESBIAN! As much as I'd love to see Christian dead at the end of the season at Liz's feet, I'd like there to be a plausible reason for this besides "We agreed to take part in a completely sexless, romance-less marriage, and now you're backing out just because you're going to live and want to find happiness with someone WHO'S NOT A LESBIAN!"
  10. Annie
    It took six seasons, but Annie finally transforms from virtual non-entity to boilerplate bratty teenage daughter. While she was living in New York with Julia, Annie learned about teenage angst and bought a few selections from the Gently Angry American Goth Girl collection to prove it. She even calls the marshmallow presented to her on a camping trip as a "barf bag!" That's some Disney Channel-level harsh, Annie. Oh, and she also started eating her hair because of the stress of the move and Olivia's death, and needed to have a hairball removed from her stomach by her father, a plastic surgeon.
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