How Will A Move To CMT Alter Season 5 Of Nashville?

Don't worry. Producers have the season allllllllll planned out.

The TV-watching public was rocked yesterday by the report that Nashville -- cancelled by ABC last month -- could get a fifth season pickup by CMT. "It...could? Wasn't Nashville so expensive that, even with a slot on a Big 5 broadcast network, its renewal was in question at the end of every season?" Reader, it was. And of course a basic cable network like CMT, with no scripted drama record to run on, won't be in a position to float budgets anything like those the show enjoyed on ABC. "Isn't Connie Britton probably secretly happy, on some level, that the end of the show will free her up to campaign full-time for Hillary Clinton -- and with the added bonus of not getting turned into a raging misogynist by having to participate in the shitty Maddie storyline?" Look, PRODUCERS ARE ON IT, okay? Here are some selections from the CMT-enized Season 5 road map.

S05.E01: On Angel's Wings After the cliffhanger of the Season 4 finale, Avery gets news that Juliette's jet definitely crashed, leaving no survivors, and with her corpse in a condition so unrecognizable that the idea of displaying even a portrait of her at her memorial service would be too upsetting to him. At the funeral, Rayna tells Bucky she's going to be unavailable for the next while as she devotes her time to her advocacy on behalf of foster children -- no more concerts, just a lot of meat-and-potatoes letter-writing and lobbying of political officials; nothing that would be terribly interesting to see her do -- but she does want to introduce him to someone she thinks could take her place in the country music firmament: her sister Tandy!

S05.E02: The Bluebird Sings The Sweetest Song When Gunnar and Scarlett stop in at their old stomping grounds, The Bluebird, to say goodbye before embarking on a sold-out tour of central Asian hot spots (the Turkmenistan date is going to be off the chain!), they catch a performance by Gunther (Dylan Sprouse) and Charlotte (Jenette McCurdy), an up-and-coming pair of singer-songwriters who just might be the next Exes!

S05.E03: You're Not A Little Girl Anymore Daphne gets her first period at school at the worst time imaginable: when Rayna's driving from Texas to Wyoming to visit a foster care group home on a highway with an unusual number of cell phone dead zones, making it impossible for Daphne to reach her. Fortunately, Daphne has Glenn on speed dial, and he helps give her the fundamentals on feminine hygiene and make her first day of womanhood a special one.

S05.E05: Here Goes Nothing Tandy prepares for her first show at The Beverly. Zoey, returned from her latest tour, is in the audience to support her, but unfortunately, Deacon can't be present because he has a thing.

S05.E07: You Can't Keep Things Bottled Up In a bottle episode set entirely in her room at a Nashville mental hospital, Layla experiences vivid hallucinations taking her back to pivotal moments of her life. To show their disapproval, Will and Jeff are visible to her only from behind.

S05.E10: A New Adventure Starts Tonight Tandy's first live spot at a Nashville radio station goes so well that legendary host Sonny Summers (John Schneider) asks her out and provides her with her first intimate encounter of the series. Since Tandy's still living at Rayna's to look after Daphne, she worries that her sister may walk in at any moment and catch her and Sonny in flagrante, but that does not occur.

S05.E13: Well, What'd I Miss? In the season finale, Rayna returns to Nashville to see Tandy in her Opry début. But when Layla (on furlough from her involuntary mental hospital hold so that she may see the performance and support her Highway 65 labelmate) snatches a gun from an audience member and fatally shoots Rayna during Tandy's standing ovation, fans may be very certain that if there is a sixth season, Rayna will definitely not be in it and neither will her husband or children probably -- particularly not after the show's rumoured move from CMT to DIY.

These storylines aren't real; we made them up.