Screen: TLC

Let's Talk About The Time My Strange Addiction Showed Us What LLL Breasts Look Like

Warning to people who sleep with women: this may put you off breasts.

If you don't watch TLC's My Strange Addiction, believe me, I get it. You probably know someone who's told you about the episodes about people who eat plastic or lightbulbs or dryer sheets; if you follow me on Twitter, that someone might very well be me, in which case, I'm sorry, but people need to know! The show's fifth season started strong in the weird-eater department: last week's back-to-back premiere episodes featured one lady who drinks paint, another who eats mattress foam, and a pair of twins who have to eat precisely the same foods, in the same amounts, so that their weights will be exactly the same.

After a start like that, and knowing that next week's episode will feature a person who's addicted to chewing on dirty diapers, I had regarded last night's episode as a saggy hammock between two strong/gross episodes. But I should have known better.

"Proud To Be Plastic" profiles a Lacey Wildd, who's addicted to plastic surgery. Lacey's spent $250,000 on her surgeries. Some of these are obvious, like the illegal silicone she's had injected into her lips, or her three Brazilian butt lifts. Some are things you might have never even known were procedures, like the internal "corset" she had to whittle her waist.

But by far the most visible of her surgeries are her multiple breast augmentations. Lacey, who started out as an A-cup, is now a size LLL. She wants to double her breast size to size QQQ. On one hand, I guess I get it: she's a fetish model, so I can understand the logic that, professionally speaking, if very big breasts are good, actually gigantic ones are even better. And yet, Lacey acknowledges that her breasts sometimes cramp her style. She can't run...obviously. She has trouble cooking sometimes because she can't lean over without striking her work surface chest-first. Most clothes she's able to pull over her head get stopped dead when she tries to stretch the fabric over her bosom. It's also no fun for her six children to go out with her and public, where strangers can't stop ogling her.

But Lacey is undeterred: she wants to up her current implant size from 3500 CCs (each) to 5500. Since it's hard for anyone who either hasn't had breast augmentation surgery or doesn't work with CCs of liquid every day to conceive of what that amount represents: it's seven quarts. "That's nearly a twelve-pack of beer in each breast." When she eventually finds a surgeon unethical enough to give her the 5500 CCs she's looking for — and we're told at the end of the episode that she has — each of her breasts will weigh about the same as a car tire. And yet, somehow, that's not the most horrifying moment of the episode. This is.

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I mean, I guess if your goal is to embrace an exaggerated figure, then letting your breasts turn into skin lanterns is mission accomplished? Meanwhile, one of Lacey's youngest children is a girl. Good luck to her.

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