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Which Married At First Sight Couples Are Most Likely To Consummate Their Marriages?

And more not-quite-burning questions sparked by 'Honeymoons, Part 1'!

Who does fyi think is watching this show that it needs to be all cute about the phrasing on "consummate our marriage"?

I have no real evidence for this, but I doubt this show's viewership is made up of observant churchgoers who are only okay knowing that sex has occurred between people who've just met because they're technically married. So if I and judgmental jerks like me are the ones watching, I don't know why producers feel they need to give Lily a mouthful like "Tom and I consummated our marriage last night" rather than "we had sex." Calling it the consummation of a marriage doesn't legitimize the fakey marriage and no one thinks it does. Attractive near-strangers boned. The marital trappings don't automatically make any of this notably classier than Bachelor In Paradise.

Which of the other couples is most likely to consummate their marriage?

Now that Lily and Tom have broken the seal (...as it were), do either of the other two couples seem to anyone like they're on the cusp of boning down? I can almost see Derek and Heather suspending their argument about his smoking for some scorching hate sex. But the way Nick backed away when Sonia dared to tell him she likes him and informed her that he doesn't want things between them to start moving any faster than they are made me think he's not in a big hurry to do anything sexual with her.

Or with any woman, maybe???

I'm not saying Nick is a closeted gay man who entered into this experiment to shut up his overbearing mother; I couldn't possibly know that. But, four episodes in, I will say I am starting to see him less as very shy than very melancholy yet resigned to his fate of living half a life.

And also, the smoking?

Every time Heather says that Derek smokes "OCCASIONALLY," I'm pretty sure it's ADR over her saying that he smokes WEED, because...right? Even a rabid anti-smoker (hi) wouldn't get that bent out of shape about a guy smoking cigarettes on vacation, even if he did do it first thing in the morning. And even someone who's very casual about his pulmonary health wouldn't try to respond to a question about how much he smoked by claiming that the medical establishment doesn't think smoking is that bad for you. Frankly, I'd think Heather would be impressed by Derek's ingenuity at either concealing his stash in his luggage well enough to get it through TSA screening, or by his industriousness at figuring out which resort employee would be able to hook him up.

In all seriousness: if they are actually fighting about Derek's weed, I get why they can't broadcast the details, but it's very unfair to Heather. The way it's edited makes it look like she's getting hysterical about his use of a completely legal product. And frankly it also makes Derek's response -- that she seems to be drinking a lot -- more reasonable. I don't smoke anything, but: just legalize it, America, if for no other reason than to make reality show storylines more compelling AND more real.

Whatever the actual substance Derek is smoking: who's right?

In my opinion: Derek. Though his first reaction is to get defensive, he also has enough emotional intelligence to figure out that what's probably best for both of them is to take a cooling-off period away from one another; when he rejoins Heather, he gives her a very mature response, describing how his hope for this marriage was that he find someone with whom he could grow together and who could push him to be his best self. To me, that sounds like an admission that he doesn't do everything right and that there are areas of his life he'd like to improve or at least change, and that he considers that to be something they'll work on together. Heather replies by repeating pretty much exactly what she'd said to start the fight in the first place, not showing any sign that she's heard Derek's attempt to take her concerns seriously. He undercuts his own side by calling her an alcoholic, but since she's basically called him a drug addict, I kind of don't blame him for lashing out.

And why all the tears from Heather?

It seems clear to me that Heather's choice to bring up Derek's smoking on camera and not to let it go is in aid of her building herself an escape hatch out of this marriage. So then why does she keep crying after all their interactions? She wants out; she's obviously going to get out. Is she crying because she can't make it work, or because she made the giant mistake of coming on the show in the first place?

How high are these idiots' expectations for these trips?

I know the point of a honeymoon is spending uninterrupted time with your partner in life and love, but these people just met. Planning excursions you call "adventures" is really putting a lot of pressure on each other to have a super-awesome time, and on the trip itself to be packed to the gills with all the incredible memories you're making together. EVERYONE JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

How bad is the blow-out going to be when Lily finally hears about the bus?

Tom made a very bad calculation by sneering about materialism when he knows Lily drives some kind of fancy car, since she got even more defensive about that than Derek did about his smoking. When she realizes that was a trap he set for her to step in and that she now can't say she'd prefer not to live in A BUS without looking like a princess, she is going to be piiiiiiiiiiiiissed.

For Booze Week, we ask:

Which would be more of an at-first-sight marriage dealbreaker for you?

  • Derek's "occasional" cigarette
  • Heather's "alcoholism"
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