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'Wham, Bam, Booty Ma'am'

The Married At First Sight couples are moving in together and unpacking ALL of their baggage. We're ranking them from least annoying to most.

This week, the Married At First Sight couples are cohabiting, and I just realized that the theme music for the show is not, in fact, gibberish, but the words "It's all or nothing." (It's not.) ANYWAY: I'm ranking these dingbats from best to worst, based on their ability to live in the same space for a few seconds!

  1. Ryan R. & Jaclyn

    Ryan is spending the night at Jaclyn's house in New Jersey, and he's bummed because that means leaving his mom and niece. It's also a three-and-a-half-hour drive from his house to Jaclyn's place. On the positive side, Jaclyn's feelings for Ryan are starting to change! She's starting to like him "as a man," as opposed to the sexless humanoid she was seeing him as before, I guess. Anyway, Ryan makes it to Jacyln's place and she shows him her bathroom, which is painted a hue that Ryan describes as "magenta," a color that only men still think exists. After Jaclyn introduces Ryan to her cat as its "new daddy," Ryan tells her that her place is great and all, but the commute is not workable for him. They discuss a possible compromise and come up with the somewhat-midway point of Astoria, Queens, which would give them each an hour-long commute. Their discussion about this is adult and reasonable. WEIRD. After some hunting, they find a nice apartment in Astoria within their price range and share a warm hug's really sweet? I don't know!! I have nothing critical to say about this and it's confusing for me.

    Ryan has a tough goodbye with his mom and niece and it's a real bummer. But he and Jaclyn move in together and order pizza and drink wine and gosh darn it, they're cute together. As they cozy up to each other on the couch, Jaclyn tells Ryan she's looking at him differently and wants to be more "touchy and feely" with him. DON'T BLOW THIS, RYAN. Ryan suggests that they "christen the apartment," and Jaclyn seems amenable! They retire to the bedroom and shut the door behind them! I find myself surprisingly okay with these sexy developments!

  2. Ryan D. & Jessica

    Jessica is "not comfortable" in Ryan's place in Staten Island, so she brings him to her apartment. Ryan suggests that he could move into her place, but she says no because she got the apartment with her ex and she doesn't want to "start on that foot." The foot of you having a perfectly good apartment that you and your "husband" could easily live in with no apartment hunting drama and minimal budget-related drama? OKAY. Before they set out to find an apartment, Jessica and Ryan discuss finances. He "tend[s] to like more of the expensive things" and describes himself as "a spender." Cute. Jessica is a receptionist, and her priority is saving money, so...let's see how this goes? As they look at apartments in Brooklyn, it becomes apparent that Ryan is willing to pay mucho dinero for a place, but Jessica is not. In the end, they find an apartment for a whopping $3200 a month. Compromise? Jess says that "this apartment gives [her] much hope that from here on out, everything's going to be as good as this apartment." Yeah, that makes sense.

    On moving day, Ryan proceeds to take up the entire bedroom closet and acts all pissy when Jess passive aggressively mutters that it's fine that her things are relegated to a single chest of drawers. Ryan, just as a reminder: SHE'S THE WOMAN. Be a man, put your beanie and gold chain collection in a shoebox, and get over yourself. Anyway, after their move, they share a chilly toast over some sushi. Jess tends to avoid conflict, and Ryan's an asshole, so this should work out just fine!

  3. Sean & Davina

    Sean is spending his days off in Davina's place in New York until they can figure out where they're going to live. They decide to get an "interim apartment" until Davina's new apartment is renovated, or something? It's all very confusing, but the word "Manhattan" is thrown around a lot. Sean is feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of living in Manhattan, but Davina MUST LIVE IN MANHATTAN! MANHATTAN!!! Also, they both own their homes, so now this sham marriage is burdened with actual financial concerns. In their discussion of finances, Sean tells Davina that she is "more successful than [he is]," but he's okay with that! We all totally believe him!

    This whole living situation thing is kind of a pickle because Sean told the "experts" he was willing to relocate for a spouse, but now he's having second thoughts. And here's a shocker: Sean has trust issues and withdraws when he is "out of [his] comfort zone." Davina thinks Sean's fear is a "smoke screen" for something deeper -- uh, perhaps for Sean's MANY deep-seated issues that have come to the fore over the few days that these two have known each other? Just a guess! Anyway, Davina is annoyed because Sean's fear about moving to the city is preventing her from "feel[ing] special," which is priority #1 here. Sean promises, unconvincingly, to shape up. Then, over dinner, he confesses that his anxiety has "blocked [his] ability to be intimate." Davina, who's having none of this, suggests that they should have sex soon. Weirdly, former constantly inappropriate horndog Sean says that their relationship can't be "wham, bam, booty ma'am," which is definitely not the phrase. Davina counters that "it can't be nothing, either." Burn? After that fun little exchange, Sean decides to peace out back to Jersey, supposedly because he has to work the next day. He leaves and it's awk. Things are really going great for these two, as long as you don't think about their unresolvable differences around money, housing, and sex!

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