A&E

The Kansas City Twister, And Other Sex Acts That Married At First Sight's David Will Never Experience With His Wife

The couples work on 'intimacy' this week, with results varying from gross to sad.

  1. Tres & Vanessa

    Tres and Vanessa go to lunch and Tres takes a sales call while they are eating, because Tres is "always selling!" Vanessa is displeased, but Tres thinks Vanessa has to "adjust to [his] hours." In other news, Vanessa and Tres are each using separate bathrooms in their house, which is weird! Dr. Logan visits them and determines that they are not communicating well and that they should probably be pooping in closer proximity. She leaves them with a fishbowl full of questions about sex and life to ask each other later. Fun!

    Vanessa, for one, is optimistic about things, saying, AND I QUOTE: "I'm looking forward to Tres and I's life." Me is also be looking forward to Tres's and you's life together, Vanessa! Us all are! Anyway, after Tres awkwardly sits on the toilet lid while Vanessa brushes her teeth, they decide to tackle the questions Dr. Logan left for them. It goes pretty much as expected. Representative snippet: Vanessa: "What are your expectations in a marriage?" Tres: "I'd like a sexual marriage." DUDE, WE GET IT. The next night, they host a dinner party at their house. Vanessa invites her friend Danielle, and Tres invites his old roommate Nick. After dinner, Danielle and Nick pretend to pass an invisible mic back and forth while they grill Tres and Vanessa about their sex life. This is how conversations work!

  2. Neil & Samantha

    Neil thinks he and Sam are making "strides" in their relationship, and he's surprising her with a barbecue dinner and flowers. "I think we're going on an upward trajectory," agrees Sam. Dr. Logan visits them, though, and Neil says he's not sure Sam knows what his needs are. Dr. Logan observes that Sam has the "ability to steamroll someone like Neil," so Neil needs to speak up for himself. She gives them the ol' fishbowl o' questions and takes her leave.

    Neil and Samantha ask each other the sex questions and feel that they are making "progress"! Sam wants to be Neil's friend, she says, and thinks maybe they'll even start holding hands soon. Hot! In other news, Neil and Sam hate the house they moved into, so they are going to stay at Sam's place, with all of its weird pet rodents and wax melts. Romantic.

  3. David & Ashley

    David is cooking Ashley dinner because he wants to show her he cares about her and her nursing school exams. He's cooking "sun-dried tomato and spinach pasta," which he has never cooked before, so that won't be gross at all. He fumbles around the kitchen and uses a can of beer as a wet measure, which is probably not a great sign. Anyway, after much noble struggle, David finishes the dish, but Ashley is running late! Really late! David is sitting morosely at the fully set dining table when Ashley gets in TWO HOURS after she was supposed to be home. Ruh roh. David pointedly lets her know dinner is cold but tries to act like it's not a big deal, but it so is. After dinner, Ashley gives David a cupcake: the first tiny show of affection she's ever made toward him. REJOICE; ALL IS FORGIVEN.

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    David and Ashley dip into the fishbowl of sex/life questions that Dr. Logan left them. Ashley reluctantly draws the first one and immediately says she's "not comfortable answering" it. The X-rated question that Ashley dareth not answer: her favorite place to be kissed. GASSSPPP! Ashley stares icily at David as he tries to lighten the mood by cracking jokes about the questions. To wit: for his "favorite sexual position," David says he likes the "Kansas City Twister," and Ashley cracks ZERO smiles. "I am just not comfortable talking about these," she snaps, carefully adjusting the stick up her ass.

    After that disastrous experiment, David decides to bring Ashley to a pet store to buy a fish to put in the empty fishbowl Dr. Logan brought over, because symbolism, I guess? Then, in a halfhearted effort to have a "date night," they go on a ferris wheel. Ashley loves it but David is terrified. As David trembles in fear, Ashley seems to loosen up, even allowing herself to be semi-fun! "Tonight is a success," says David, triumphant. He thinks things are going so well he decides to try for a kiss! But Ashley cringes away as David pecks her on the cheek. A for effort, David, ya schmuck.

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