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Married At First Sight Opens A Bag Of 'Cool Neil' Doritos

The Married At First Sight couples continue to flounder, this week celebrating a joyless Father's Day together. Who did the worst?

  1. Tres & Vanessa

    Big news: Tres and Vanessa consummated their marriage! Tres brags about it to the producers the day after, like a true gentleman. Huzzah! Also, it's Father's Day, and the producers are making all of the couples celebrate the holiday with their families, even if the participants have shitty/non-existent relationships with their fathers and/or their fathers are dead. Vanessa, for one, has zero relationship with her father, and Tres rarely sees his, but nonetheless, Tres's dad, uncle, and sister, plus Vanessa's sister, are coming over to mark the occasion. This isn't artificial or weird at all! Carl, font of (absentee) fatherly wisdom, advises his new daughter-in-law to take her vows seriously. This is the same guy who split up with Tres's mom and then flitted in and out of Tres's life, leaving his own sisters and mother to raise his son. But sure, go ahead and dole out that wisdom, Carl! It means a lot coming from you!

    After the daytime Father's Day festivities, Vanessa goes out with her sister and Tres's sister, and Tres goes out with his father and uncle. When Vanessa comes home, she finds Tres passed out drunk. Vanessa is not happy about this! Tres reassures her, though, that his drinking has been way "scaled back" from a few months ago. He used to get black-out drunk and vomit; now he just gets brown-out drunk and dry-heaves. He's practically a teetotaler!

  2. Neil & Samantha

    Sam is still stressed out by this whole marriage-to-Neil thing! She thinks there are two Neils: "Cool Neil" and "Camera Neil." Cool Neil curses and is cool! Camera Neil uses respectful language and sucks! Sam's tired of Camera Neil being so "PC"! ...So, to clarify, Sam likes Cool Neil, who is, presumably, the real Neil, the person he is off-camera. And when this experiment is over, Neil won't be on camera anymore. So logic would suggest that Sam should just wait for Camera Neil to go away when there are no more cameras, when Cool Neil will emerge for good. In other words: shut up, Sam. Also, could anyone else go for some Cool Neil Doritos right now? Just me?

    Dr. Pepper comes over to Sam and Neil's place to counsel them. They explain their marital woes, and Dr. Pepper asks them to describe their ideas of gender roles in a marriage to each other. Sam says she wants to be the "less dominant figure in the relationship," and wants to be "put in [her] place" sometimes. Ew. Neil says he thinks married couples should divvy up chores and do everything 50-50. So...great job on the matching, experts. Dr. Pepper asks if they're still committed to the marriage. Neil says he is, but Sam says she's "indifferent." Before she leaves, Dr. Pepper gets Sam to agree, grudgingly, to give the marriage a shot. Good job, I guess?

    On Father's Day, Neil picks up Sam's dad, Bob, and takes him to the gun range. Bob and Neil bond over some good ol' fashioned gun shootin', then go and have a chat about relationships. Bob advises Neil to "be the man" and "open [himself] up." Helpful! Back at Sam and Neil's house, Neil volunteers to barbecue, and Bob volunteers to hover over Neil's shoulder and micromanage the barbecuing. After Bob leaves, Sam sort of, kind of apologizes to Neil by saying she doesn't feel like she's been herself. After this talk, Neil and Sam are both feeling more optimistic about their chances, for some reason!

  3. David & Ashley

    With Father's Day on the horizon, David's feeling sad because his dad is dead. Ashley, for her part, doesn't care about Father's Day that much, since she has no relationship with her biological father, and celebrating it with her stepdad "isn't the same." David desperately wants to share with Ashley his feelings on the subject, which are many and varied. Ashley wants David to continue to pay the rent on the house but otherwise never speak to her again. So they're basically on the same page.

    The next morning -- Father's Day -- David wakes up in a funk. Ashley asks why he's so grumpy, and he screams, "Oh, God, 'cuz my dad died, I hate today, that's why!" and storms out of the bedroom. He runs into the bathroom -- actually RUNS -- and slams the door, where he dissolves into sobs. Yikes. Ashley, Robot Nurse, reluctantly follows him into the bathroom and "comforts" him in a monotone. David, poorest of saps, is encouraged by Ashley's barebones ministrations! After he recovers from his mantrum™, his mother Edie shows up. They all sit down and look at old family photos of David and his father. Ashley thinks all of these photos and videos and stories are "information overload," and her eyes glaze over. DOES NOT COMPUTE. INFORMATION OVERLOAD.

    The next day, Dr. Pepper comes over and quickly gets a sense of how spectacularly bad this pairing is. She encourages Ashley to refer to David as her husband -- since, you know, he is -- but Ashley balks at this. "You can't adjust to something like that overnight," she says. First of all, it's been two weeks, and second of all, you're on a show called MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT. Get used to it! That night, David tries to pry more thoughts and feelings out of Ashley, with zero success. David realizes, finally, that Ashley isn't into him, like, at all, but he's going to keep trying to make this marriage work, anyway. Have fun with that.

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