'He's A Vanilla Wafer, And I'm, Like, A Samoa Cookie,' Says Boring Asshole On Married At First Sight

The couples muscle their way through excruciating honeymoons. Who ranked the worst this week?

  1. Tres & Vanessa

    Vanessa is freaking out about Tres's womanizing past (i.e., last week). She wants to know that he's a "mature man" and ready for marriage. She tearfully Skypes with Dr. Cilona and tells him she's concerned that Tres did this show "on a whim." Dr. C tries to reassure Vanessa that Tres "has been thinking about marriage" for two years! He was thinking about it the whole time he was boning all those random women! Dr. C tells Vanessa, basically, just not to think about Tres's past and live in the now. Weirdly, this avoidance strategy seems to work, and Tres and Vanessa go back to being lovey-dovey. Whew, glad their fundamental relationship issue is now solved forever!

  2. David & Ashley

    Ashley is still "uncomfortable" with her insta-husband David, and is already plotting ways to get away from him! She tells him that she will need a day to herself when they get back from their honeymoon, and this makes David VERY nervous, which, in turn, annoys Ashley further. They then embark on the grimmest road trip ever from Phoenix to Sedona. As David is driving along, merrily honking at fellow drivers in an attempt to lighten the toxic mood in the car, Ashley stares at her phone and barely speaks to him. Desperate to get some conversation going, David asks Ashley incessant questions about herself, each of which she answers with one or two words. ROAD TRIP! WOOO!

    Next, Ashley and David take a helicopter ride, which David, poorest of schmucks, thinks might offer a "chance for romance." Unfortunately for David, he gets a case of the jitters in the chopper and grips Ashley's leg, which is NOT cool with Ashley. "I don't want some stranger, like, in my personal space," she says. David, do everyone a favor and throw yourself out of the helicopter. It'll be quicker that way.

    Later that day, Ashley tells David she doesn't feel a "romantic connection" with him. Uh, DUH. David volunteers to sleep in a separate room to make Ashley feel more comfortable, thereby acknowledging that his very existence is the problem with their marriage. They talk on the phone with Dr. Levkoff about their compatibility issues and she suggests that they give each other manicures. UghhhhHHHhhHH. During the obligatory manicure sesh, David enthusiastically paints Ashley's nails while she acts like he's pulling them out by the roots. Afterwards, David notes, aptly, that Ashley is acting like he has "cooties." But later, Ashley and David talk briefly about their feelings, and Ashley says she will open up in her own time. After this breakthrough, David feels reassured, and Ashley even agrees to let David go down the water slide at their resort. Welcome to your life, David.

  3. Neil & Samantha

    Sam and Neil have been married for one second and Sam's already bossing Neil around, criticizing his shoes, and complaining about his driving. To make matters worse, they're spending a day of their blissful honeymoon going to the island dentist because Sam messed up her tooth on a macaroon. While Neil stolidly stands by his wife's side and makes sure her gross tooth issue gets resolved, Sam is stewing about how she wants a guy "who's more aggressive in playing into his gender role." Later, Sam tells Neil he needs to "wear the pants" in their relationship. She thinks he's too meek for her!

    That night, Neil and Samantha engage in an aggressive tetherball session in which Neil finally tells Sam to stop treating him like he's not a man. She replies that it's "unfair" that he didn't tell her earlier that he doesn't enjoy being emasculated and belittled. So really, HE's the one who needs to apologize. Neil replies, through gritted teeth, that he will take her "constructive criticism" on board. Sam accuses him of being "passive aggressive" and complains that he's "unloading on her" for no reason. At this point, no one would blame Neil for hurling the tetherball into Sam's bad tooth, but he shows remarkable restraint and doesn't do this. Instead, Neil ends up apologizing to SAM and she storms off.

    Later, she brings him some dinner and they have a chat. Neil says he "communicated very badly" but asks Sam not to "knock [him] down" all the time. Sam says, "I'm not sorry for having those feelings; I'm sorry for how I delivered them to you." Great apology! Sam adds that she wants a guy to be assertive and "in charge of the situation." Basically, Sam wants her husband to be He-Man, while Neil wears adult onesies, and never the twain shall meet. Not to nitpick the incredibly scientific process that went into matching these couples, but this kind of seems like a basic relationship incompatibility that the experts should have caught before marrying these two dingbats to each other. But what do I know! I'm not an expert!

    The morning after their big fight, Sam and Neil resolve to get to know each other as friends. They rent some ATVs and go off-roading and it's kind of fun! Neil for one has "yet to waver in [his] commitment to the marriage." (Neil: consider wavering, buddy.) Then, in a surprise relationship twist, on the drive back to the hotel, Sam almost kills them by driving on the wrong side of the road. Neil calmly tells her to get back into her own lane, thus saving their lives. Sam gives Neil a hug, and suddenly appreciates how calm he is all the time. So I guess they love each other now?

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