Screen: WeTV

Gretchen Gets A New Guy To Hold Her Purse

Congratulations to Kevin on being the newest Mr. Horrible Monster! Stephanie, Sarah, and Tara discuss this week's pointless wife swapping.

Our Players

Hello, I'm East Coast Editor Sarah D. Bunting.
Hello, I'm contributor Stephanie Green.
Hello, I'm West Coast Editor Tara Ariano.

The Talk

Though I know it's temporally impossible that this could be true, I almost want to believe that Gretchen has been reading these conversations and thinking up ways to get more awful from week to week to vindicate you, Stephanie. I barely remember a time when I hated Tanisha the most!
THANK YOU (and thank YOU, Gretchen, for proving my point). You know, at the beginning of this episode, when Tanisha was being a bitch-monster to Clive, I was like, "Welllll, Tanisha IS sort of terrible." But then Gretchen went and ditched Kevin at her charity event.
That Kevin was like, "Saw that coming, don't give a shit," I enjoyed. Meanwhile, I think I have a new favorite!
Real favourite, or hate-favourite?
Real favorite.
Who??
Ryan's genuine happiness at Tanisha accepting him into the black community was hilarious. Of course, the black community has already shunned Tanisha, but let's not look too closely at the realities, shall we?
I agree. I feel like Ryan -- and I can't believe I'm saying this about someone participating in this farce -- seems like a nice person?
I appreciated how unself-conscious he was taking her direction. It's fun when people are good sports -- especially with something like this where someone else might have gotten all tense about The Implications, or whatever. He just went with it.
I bet he's there because he feels bad for Trista, which is sweet of him. Especially since Roger pretty much put it on blast that they all get paid.
Well, they're not there to get "therapy" from people who pretend to take off their mic packs when directly asked to and then don't. NOT GREAT, JIM.
That was some sneaky shit, Jim!
Jim sucks.
But, like, while I agree with Roger that this is all Some Bullshit, where is this divalicious attitude coming from all of a sudden? I don't buy that he came on this show to "work on [his] relationship." Puh-leeze. He came on for the same reason Jenni did: MONEY.
And because Jenni signed him up for it without asking, so that part seems legit.
We should have started a pool at the beginning of the season to track who was going to throw a hissy and start packing.
Didn't someone else fake pack? Traci?
Yep.
She fake DRUNK-packed! ...Excuse me: she drunk-fake-packed. The drunk part was real.
I feel like we've all done that. Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself.
[hic]
Packing is serious business, guys. Don't make me share you on my Google Doc.
I'm doing it right now AND I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
As usual, I want us to talk more about what a heinous monster Gretchen is.
Let's start with that Barbie attire.
I'm mad at Jim and Elizabeth for letting her off so easy for being such a dick.
That's mutton dressed as...I don't even know. Tori Spelling.
Oh my god, the dress. "It's a bit young for me?" - Kiernan Shipka.
Did you guys notice her bra strap was showing in the back when she was posing for TMZ? It made me SO HAPPY.
No, but that's awesome. #trash
I was pleased that Slade was like, "So I'm just gonna stay here?"
I loved that. She looked so wounded.
Obviously all our husbands are perfect, but if you HAD to have a date night with one of these other dudes (not Ryan -- too obvious), who's your pick?
Roger, I guess, because at least he seems fun, and I doubt he'd go into "Robot Mode" with a virtual stranger.
And if he did, you could just laugh at him (and would). He's my pick too. I don't think I'd have one thing to talk about with anyone else.
Roger mentioned farting during yoga; I'd pick him too.
Hey, so which of the dates was the most wildly inappropriate? I vote for couples massage, but acroyoga (?) was a close second.
Yeah, couples massage was weird. Not as weird as Trista having some limbic-system breakdown during down dog? But weird.
It was all weird. And I still don't totally understand the point of sending non-couples on "romantic" dates. Why couldn't they learn from each other while doing something unsexy, like bowling?
I wondered if they had a list of possible activities and some people nixed anything too touchy while others were like, "Whatever." Because...cake pops? They're not in seventh grade.
And they didn't let the pregnant lady have the cake pop date?? These people are monsters!
Especially since EVERYONE KNOWS, apparently.
Seriously. My cats know.
I kind of lost track of whether that was supposed to be a secret when Roger and Jenni were talking about how hungry "she" was.
Speaking of which, I wonder which of the assholes in the house "sold" the story!
Ooh yeah!
I bet it was Gretchen.
I don't know, her reaction seemed pretty alarmed. I guess she's had practice faking authenticity, though.
That seems like one thing she wouldn't benefit from leaking at that particular moment. But then again, these people all have Life & Style on speed-dial, so....
Who else would benefit, though? Slade, who apparently does no work of any kind according to the Queen of the Harpies?
He carries Gretchen's purse AND her coat! That's a job!
Traci's reaction to hearing that Kevin had to do that was classic.
I wouldn't put it past Tanisha to have leaked it. She seems like the only one actively trying to keep things going, drama-wise.
Tanisha's like a shark: if she stops getting into petty fights with people, she'll die.
Everyone else's communication was like, "Let's cuddle more," and Tanisha was like, "I hate you."
Respect for the effort, but even Clive was like, "No shit. And?" Although Jenni was watching that exchange like it was tennis.
I'm saying: Tanisha is trying to make things happen, at least.
So is Gretchen. They're just...Gretchen-y, deluded things.
Like her "charity work." She's such a big-hearted soul!
"Get a job! Give me a baby! Show human emotions!"
"Cut your hair!" That one was me.
Slade's hair has surpassed Ryan's hair for being second worst in the house. Traci obviously holds the title. There's no way she's seeing anything from under those bangs.
She forgot to drunk-fake-pack a good wig. Been there.
Speaking of Traci: who knew she had a "music career"?
People who've seen Braxton Family Values promos during Will & Grace Binge-a-Thons. (Hi.)
She can get a double album of blues joints out of this foolishness for sure.
I don't really have anything else to add, except that I want that crazy-eyed Kiwi yoga instructor to be a series regular.
WHAKA?
He had a name?
And it was Whaka.
Seems about right.
I mean, I'm sure it WAS Gerard. Now it's Whaka.
"I told you I quit Deloitte Touche, Mum! CALL ME WHAKA NOW!"
Whaka's a family name, I'm sure.
It used to be Whakastein but they changed it at Kiwi Ellis Island.
Maybe next week someone should have to go on a date with Whaka.
Whaka knows better than to get any MORE tangled up with these fools.
He seems like the type who would take a first date dumpster-diving as some sort of test.
Freegan Whaka, this fall on WeTV!
I feel like you're giving a guy named WHAKA a smidgen too much of the benefit of the doubt, Tara.
No way would he take anyone on a date. He doesn't believe in labels. Or store-bought bread.
He might take a lady to his drumming circle, though. Ugh, why can't we force Gretchen to go drumming with Whaka?
That Honey Boo Boo dress is not for sitting on grass.
That's not all she'd be sitting on. hiyo!
I hope Whaka reads this. Call us, Whaka!
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