This article contains information that could be considered too revealing according to our spoiler policy. Proceed with caution. You can't unsee it!Reason Netflix released the whole season the same day.
We Are The Holey Hoodies On The Streets Of Luke Cage's Harlem
We would take a bullet for you, but please stop asking us to.
Listen. We know the people of Harlem have a lot on their minds right now. The police have been turning the city inside out looking for Luke Cage while a turf war threatens to put more bodies in the ground than all those ninjas we've been hearing about in Hell's Kitchen.
And hey, we love that you're helping Luke by donning us and proudly showing us off to all the police patrolling our streets, confounding them as they try to hunt him down with their magic bullets. We're grateful that people have stood by us when racist authority figures want to equate the peaceful hoodie with crime and menace, so we appreciate a fine display of loyalty when we see one. And it's very brave of you to do so, given the cops' propensity to be indiscriminate in who they rumble in their hunt for the first hero you've had in years.
But we sense there's a bit of a lull in the action on the
show streets right now -- almost like things are building up in anticipation of a final showdown between Luke and Diamondback, so while we have your attention, there's something we'd like to address.
It's...the bullet holes. Must you?
Look, we are by no means a delicate garment. (Not now, Lululemon.) We are meant to protect you from the roughness of everyday life. We shield you from the cold and the wind. We provide pockets into which you can put things like M&Ms, which are delicious.
We get it. We do. Luke Cage, the bulletproof human shield, has a tendency to put himself in harm's way, meaning perfectly good clothing gets riddled with holes, and maybe it's difficult for a specimen like Luke to find intact hoodies that fit him properly. (Or maybe he's always able to steal one out of the first dryer in the first Laundromat he tries, but that's neither here nor there.)
And we know that if you're all wearing hoodies with holes in them, then Luke won't have to worry that his cheese-grater back will stand out for police patrols. But let's be real: most of you would need to double up, kids-sneaking-into-R-rated-movie-under-a-trenchcoat-style, under one hoodie to even dream of being mistaken for Luke.
I know Method Man rapped about Luke and it was very inspiring and everything, but what's going to happen is that Luke and Diamondback are going to fight, very, very soon. And when that's over, at some point Luke is going to meet up with someone like Mr. Fantastic, who will provide him with some sort of impervious cotton, or some kind of alien fabric that knits itself back together.
And where will you be then? We'll tell you: you'll be standing by your front door, about to head out into a cold November wind, looking at the hoodie hanging on a hook, riddled with holes. And then where will we be? You can't send a holey hoodie to Goodwill. You can't give it to your kid for painting clothes.
You'll think, "Man, that was a crazy September." And then we're going to be tossed aside. You know we will be.
So please: before you puncture us, think about what you're doing. Think about whether this is the best way to help Luke. What about a nice hoodie with bullet holes printed on it? Then you could help camouflage Luke and stay warm!
Think about it. That's all we ask. And remember: knot the ends of our drawstrings so they don't slip into the holes around the neck because that's annoying for you and us.