Michael Courtney / Fox

No Good Deed Of Lucifer's Goes Unpunished

Ol' Scratch gets a temporary hankering to do good, but he doesn't let it cramp his style. Instead, he uses his philanthropic urges as an excuse to add more names to the 'naughty' list for punishment.

I don't wish to prematurely celebrate, but this show may have broken the streak of Kevin Alejandro getting popped whenever the plot slows down. Instead, his character Dan manages to find out Malcolm's crafty scheme (cover a gun with Dan's fingerprints, frame him for Lucifer's murder, stay out of Hell), manages to escape his temporary incarceration, and get to Lucifer…right after Lucifer's managed to talk Malcolm out of killing him, and given Malcolm a coin he claims is basically a "Get out of Hell free" token. Now, since Lucifer establishes in two other plotlines tonight that he a) lies with impunity and b) is generally eight steps ahead of everyone else in thinking things through, I am looking forward to seeing how screwed Malcolm is going to be in future episodes.

As for the mystery of the week…eh, whatever. A former NBA star who had devoted his life to charitable works discovered that his wife had been skimming the donations and that discovery cost him his life. Lucifer and Chloe figure this out independent of one another -- him by rifling through his vast storehouse of human knowledge, her by doing detective work -- and team up at a gala fundraiser to make the widow confess in front of a crowd. It's boilerplate, and all the interesting stuff is happening around the margins.

Let's go to the quotes to see where all that interesting stuff is.

  1. "I'm pretty sure we made Rosemary's Baby." - Lucifer.

    Lucifer and Chloe did not have sex, but Lucifer does spin a lurid tale for a few minutes to amuse us all. (He wouldn't be the Prince of Lies if he could refrain from messing with Chloe's head.) And since Lucifer is so pleased with himself for doing an act of unselfish good, he decides he's going to embark on a new career of being a veritable saint.

  2. "Goodness isn't a toy." - Dr. Linda.
    "The way I'm going to play with it, it is." - Lucifer.

    Hands up, everyone else who's curious about how Lucifer's paying Dr. Linda now that she no longer takes copays from the waist down. ANYWAY, this exchange in the ongoing "How Dr. Linda Helps Lucifer Become A Real Boy" saga is one where Dr. Linda attempts to get it through Lucifer's disappointingly horn-less skull that one does not do good because of the smug self-satisfaction, but because one has firm moral convictions.

  3. "Maybe he wasn't such a good man. It's hard to shake your true nature." - Chloe.

    Man, when Chloe's hungover, she gets mean about the deceased.

  4. "Monogamy fails again." - Lucifer.

    This, on the revelation that the deceased was a gay man having an affair with his wife's assistant, his wife was fine with it, and handling things on her own end with discretion.

    That said, the conversation was preceded by Lucifer singing to a crowd of social x-rays, and it's a delight to see Tom Ellis crank his charm up to eleven.

  5. "Detective, even if Vanessa is guilty, this is a woman who's denied herself carbs since the nineties and stayed married to a gay man. If she doesn't want to talk, she won't." - Lucifer.

    This is Lucifer reminding Chloe that she simply can't badger people into confessing, especially if those people have superior self-control. To his credit, this prompts Chloe to figure out another way to prove her case.

  6. "You know that story about Lucifer and a goat?" - Amenadiel.
    "No! That was you?" - Maze.
    "That was me." - Amenadiel.
    "He hates the goat thing. He could never figure out where it came from." - Maze, cracking up.
    "Yeah, I've waited a thousand years to tell someone that." - Amenadiel.

    Yeah, it's never a good thing when two people get together because they both want to get back at a third. Although Maze tells Lucifer later that she did it only so she could become a double agent for him, let us not forget this is a woman who wants nothing more than to go back home. I hope this show gives Maze the dignity of being more than the badminton shuttlecock batted between two archangels.

  7. "Oh, I'm not going to Hell, now or ever again." - Malcolm.

    God bless Kevin Rankin for the fine work he's doing with what he's given, but Malcolm is the dumbest heavy around. He just cannot shut up when he's busy trying to wrong someone! Dan knows everything and now, so does Lucifer. Instead of just quietly rolling into Lux, plugging Lucifer five or six times, then quietly walking out again, Malcolm has to get all showy about killing Lucifer, first by announcing his presence and then by laying out the whole "I hate Hell, I'm strongly motivated never to go back, and your brother wants you dead" motivation for attempting murder. Lucifer takes the news of Amenadiel's plan in remarkable stride, then talks Malcolm out of killing him by chortling that angels have no dominion over death and only he, holder of some divine subway token, can keep Malcolm out of Hell. He hands over the coin and Malcolm -- who is really not bright -- does not shoot Lucifer just to be sure and then leave! No, he just clutches the coin and takes off! What is he thinking? I personally suspect Lucifer's playing a longer con here and the season finale will include Malcolm being sent back to his eternal punishment courtesy of Lucifer. And I cannot wait.

  8. "Time to show your friends your true colors, show them all your nasty desires." - Lucifer.

    Let's hear it for teamwork! Chloe worked the angle where she figured out what motivated the foundation's lawyer (doing good) and appealed to his sense of justice to dig into the financials and prove the Widow Dunlear's malfeasance, and Lucifer worked the angle where he figured that any woman who remained in a sexless marriage with a philanthropist must have had some motive for plugging him.

    And because he loves a good bit of justice-dispensing, Lucifer has Mrs. Dunlear confess her crime during the keynote of her foundation's fundraiser.

  9. "Why is it sometimes I'm immortal, and sometimes I'm all too human?" - Lucifer.

    This query -- the result of his conversation with Maze vis-a-vis her revelation that she slept with Amenadiel and is now working as a double agent for Lucifer, and his revelation that when Mrs. Dunlear plugged him, it did nothing -- sends Lucifer over to Chloe's in the middle of the night. She witters on about how she feels safe and protected around him, blah blah blah -- nobody cares, just go and run off with Dan already and make Season 2 the adventures of Maze trying to raise her new pal Trixie in a bar while Lucifer and Dr. Linda offer advice -- and while all this is going on, Lucifer slices his palm and confirms that yep, it's only around Chloe that he's anywhere near vulnerable. How long until Amenadiel figures this out too?

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