Art: Bosch! Screen: Columbia Pictures

The CW's Little Women Is Just Like Louisa May Alcott's Little Women, Except...Not

Little Women is about to get gritty and dystopic for The CW. Why wouldn't it?

Two bros got together and decided that what TV really needs is a reimagining of Louisa May Alcott's classic novel as four half-sisters living on the streets of a dystopic Philadelphia. Below are some of the changes we can expect to see as Alcott spins her grave like a cyberpunk helicopter.

  • Instead of all coming from one mother and one father, each half-sister will be spawned from one father and four different linked up wombs called M.A.R.M.E.E. (Mass Android Reproductive Maternal Endometrial Enterprise).
  • Instead of being a chaplain in the Civil War, Pop March will be the high priest of a Civil War cosplayers cult.
  • Instead of spending her time stuffing apples in her mouth and writing immoral stories, Jo will spend her time stuffing powdered kale in her mouth and writing moralistic Tweets.
  • Instead of living life according to Pilgrim's Progress, the March half-sisters will live life according to Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.
  • Instead of hiding her burned dress at a party by standing with her back to the fire, Jo will accidentally singe her clothes over a garbage can fire while trying to destroy her B.R.E.A.S.T. (Biometric Retinal Eustachian Amygdala Synthesized Tracker) implant, and then manage to wear the barely-there dress for the rest of the episode.
  • Instead of having a fight with her husband for bringing home a friend from work the night she had a jelly-canning disaster, Meg will hunt down and kill her husband for bringing home his work friend on the night she messed up her preparation of cheesesteak-in-a-pill.
  • Instead of cutting and selling her hair for money, Jo will cut and sell her body for hair since no one in dystopic worlds ever has enough hair.
  • Instead of hankering after her schoolmates' pickled limes, Amy will be bitten by a zombie and hanker after her schoolmates' pickled brains.
  • Instead of rescuing Zombie Amy from a frozen lake after she burns her manuscript, Jo will shove Zombie Amy into a cryogenic tank (which will be the only episode I watch).
  • Instead of marrying the rich kid next door and living snottily ever after, Zombie Amy will die.
  • Instead of founding a school for boys, Jo will found a subterranean bunker for radiation huffers.
  • Instead of dying of scarlet fever contracted by an unvaccinated baby, Beth will die of measles, whooping cough, and chickenpox contracted by an unvaccinated baby.

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