Screen: NBC

Call Her Miss Ross

Please welcome the best "lying witness, please" eye-roll on the Mothership roster as Sarah rewrites Law & Order's seventh-season loglines.

  • "I Like Her. So Will You." You're Right, Adam Schiff. I Especially Like Jamie Ross's "Wow, You Are An Idiot" Face. Also, Ray Got A Decentish Haircut And Some Fraggle Carjacked A Teacher
  • Briscoe Cracks Meta-Wise To Janice Soprano About A Con Man's "Address" Putting Him "In The Middle Of The East River"
  • DJ Taye Diggs And Racist Jennifer Esposito's Teeny Backpack In The Case Of The Girl Who Cried Date-Rape While Gus Fring Represents The Victim's Parents
  • Karen Allen Kills A Coin Dealer She Thinks Has Her Father's Collection The Nazis Stole, But He Didn't Have Them (Although He Could Have Totally Hidden Them In Melnick's Magnificent Bouffant)
  • Lt. Ryan O'Reily's Dad Tries To Get Everyone To Lie That His Shooting A Drug Dealer Was Self-Defense, But IAB's Skipp Sudduth Ain't Having It
  • Andy Beckett's Brother From Philadelphia Runs A Scuzzy Study On Schizophrenia That Gets A Janitor Killed
  • Big Pussy Winds Up His Mothership Career; Jerry Stiller And Tamara Tunie Are Co-Counsel For The Defendant, A Clause I Never Thought I'd Write
  • Department-Store Mogul Dr. No Lies For His Feuding Daughters; One Of Them, Amanda Peet's Mom From Last Season, Is Boinking SVU Defense Counsel Lionel Granger And His Unacceptable Fashionisto Ponytail
  • After Ward Boss O'Neill Falls Under Suspicion For Trying To Assassinate Roland Books -- Who Is No Longer Played By Joe Morton -- It Turns Out Det. Monique Jefferies Did It To Screw Her FBI Handler, Burt Peterson
  • Cliff Clavin's Mom Tries To Kill That Creeper Who Stalked The Soap Star A Few Seasons Ago Because He Killed Her Son So He Could Marry The Widow; Orbach Reprises His Crimes And Misdemeanors Role Undercover (And Wears The Same Jacket)
  • Holling From Northern Exposure's Son Torches His Shoe Factory For The Insurance And Tries To Frame Holling; Deborah Finds Out Rey Swung A Leg Over Some Girl And Gives Him La Bota
  • Jerry Orbach's Kid Spots The Corpse Of An Old Guy Who Got Anna Nicoled By His Gold-Digging Mother-In-Law
  • Elaine Stritch's Smugly Floppy Blouse Ties Of First-Wave Feminism Defend Suburban Hooker Dana Whitaker, Who Thinks "I Took Him To Look At Carpet Samples" Is A Good Alibi In This Particular Situation
  • L.A. Story I: This Constantly Rerun And Compulsively Watchable Triptych Begins With Matawin Studios Exec Heidi Ellison Getting Separated From Her Head; Rene Balcer & Co. Work Out Their Anti-Left-Coast Issues Via Janeane Garofalo's Smarmy Industry Patter While St. Rey Does Wonders For His Marriage By Flirting With Lorelai Gilmore
  • L.A. Story II: Now It Looks Like Scott Cohen Did It, But His Lawyers -- Including Mike Novick And Jamie's Ex Neil -- Are Blocking Extradition, Olivet's Rapey Gyno Tries To Hide Scott Cohen In Rehab, And Lorelai Is Getting Clingy
  • L.A. Story III: Jamie Quits, Jamie Unquits, McCoy Performs The McCoyiest Cross You Can Imagine, Scott Cohen Gets The Chair, Briscoe Has A Date, And Schiff Continues To Make S7 His Bitchiest Season Ever (And It's Great)
  • McCoy Is So Sure Paroled Rapist Bobby Bacala Sr. Is At It Again, He Goes Overboard Trying To Minority Report The Guy -- But Then Bacala Sr.'s Daughter Olivia Falconeri Ends Up Killing Him While He's Raping Her Friend
  • Don Imus's Lawyer Carmela Soprano Leverages Her Client's Knowledge Of A Kidnap Victim's Whereabouts To Get Him Out Of A Cop-Killing
  • Oren Sofer Plays A Teenager Who Kills His Mom's Boyfriend's Side Piece In A Publishing Melodrama -- Sofer's Last Role Before Becoming A Dharma…Instructor? [Shrug] Pay's Probably Better
  • Gayoda's Former-Supermodel Mom Gets Murdered By The Poor Man's Laura Dern
  • After A Shooting At A Jewish Booze Cruise, Schiff's Wife Dies (Note: Not Related)
Screen: NBC

Screen: NBC

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