Photo: Michael Parmelee / NBC

Minority Report

Terry Richardson/Cannibal Cop hybrid Simon Wilkes gets Nick-rolled.

Initial Crime

The squad is getting proactive, going after pedophiles they lure out in a video chatroom via a "14-year-old" girl named "Lucky" (actually just a young-looking NYPD officer). The only local guy dumb enough to get feloniously explicit about what he wants "Lucky" to do is the alarmingly named Gordon Lustig.

Real Crime

Gordon initially protests that the site is just for fantasies, but a frustrated Lt. Murphy decides they need to send a mole into the holding cell to get more info out of Gordon -- and designates himself, kitted out in Jimmy The Cab Driver greezy drag. When a completely committed Murphy pisses himself to drive the "you won't make it in the joint" point home, Gordon remembers he has more to say, and gives up fellow Darknet traveler "Erastes" (the word means "lover" in ancient Greek; add a "ped-" and you see where that's going). Erastes IRL is Simon Wilkes, an art photographer who takes controversial pictures of young boys.

REAL Real Crime

What Wilkes would REALLY like to do with young boys is torture and kill them, and he's built a soundproof tiled room for that purpose, which he shows off to an undercover Murphy and Fin, and gets himself arrested...but the oogy photos the search turns up are Photoshopped, not real. The only DNA and body fluids in the room belong to Wilkes himself; no evidence of children, or of bleach/other clean-up. Wilkes hasn't actually done anything...so the real crime in the view of our heroes is that they have to wait for him to act on his horrendous fantasies before they can do anything. Not that that stops stupid Amaro; more on that momentarily.

Headlines This Was Ripped From

One-time Vogue photog and Terry Richardson seemed to serve as the model for Wilkes based on the press materials, but the episode itself is just as much about the Cannibal Cop case.

How Was The Real Story Fictionalized?

Richardson is into girls, not boys, but while Wilkes has never touched a kid or acted on his fantasies, Richardson is notorious for his (alleged, whatever) pay-for-play, clothing-optional attitude towards (often underage) models. Wilkes had a previous wife and a son whom he never sees, because she made him leave after she saw his browser history; Valle only had the one wife. And as of this writing Valle is still awaiting sentencing.

Famous Guest Star Who Obviously Did It

Lois from GoodFellas! ("I'm stirring it!") ...JK, she plays Wilkes's ex-wife, and while Brian Baumgartner is instantly recognizable to Office fans, he's not the big fish here; nor is Nia Vardalos as Wilkes's attorney. It's Josh Malina as Wilkes.

It's Late, Y'all!

Fin is undercover when he says it, so I can forgive the "no grass onna infield" comment he makes re: the boy Wilkes wants to buy and kill. Still, ew. But Malina's sunshiny delivery of "no one can hear the screams" while making a child's pajama top dance with his hands is horrendous.

Egregious Breach Of Procedure

Barba's decision to march the former Mrs. Wilkes and their son into the courtroom during Wilkes's testimony is highly irregular at best (to the show's credit, Counselor Vardalos calls him on it). Going full nutbar in the holding cell and urinating on oneself is probably not in the training manual either, but that's all small potatoes compared to Amaro's Assault O' Vengeance at the playground in the final act.

Who On The SVU Team Is Taking It Personally?

Amaro is not happy when he's ordered by Murphy to go into the interrogation and "align himself with" Wilkes to get a confession. "Me, with that guy?" Yes, Amaro, AND ON YOUR VERY FIRST DAY, TOO! ...This asshole. Anyway, this is right after Murphy's had to yank a pissy Benson out of the room because she's getting right in Wilkes's face with some very William-Lewisian locutions ("...NEW GAME!"), which is interesting and kind of subtle! Less so: Maria's in town with the saccharine Zara ("can I have some ice keem, Da-deeee?" ...Blech), to say that she's gotten a job offer in Los Angeles, and maybe Nick could move with them? He's all, move WITH you move with you? She's coy, so he doesn't answer, so she takes the job, so he's all O HOW DARE YE REMOVE MY CHILD TO THE CITY OF ANGELS, so she's all g'head and take me to court and see what comes out KID-SHOOTER, and then he goes and beats down Wilkes, because he sucks. (Nick. Wilkes also, but: you know.)

Fin Speaks For Us All

Asked by Murphy if he struggles with the "grey areas" of working at SVU, Fin shrugs that he doesn't see any: "Touch a woman or a kid, you're scum." Honorable mention to my man Murph for snarking that Amaro is a "ray of sunshine," then telling him when he complains about pretending to sympathize with Wilkes, "It's called 'doing your job.'" I mean, good luck with that, but high fives anyway.

Verdict

Dr. Hwang visits to make some analogies between Wilkes's situation and people talking about suicide vs. buying guns...but Wilkes is found not guilty on all counts, because apparently the conspiracy statutes they use for every other goddamn thing on this show don't fly with this case.

Revelations About The Continuing Characters' Personal Lives That We Should Remember Going Forward

Well, Amaro seems to have forgotten that he and Rollins are Doing It, so let's just go with that, shall we? The rest of the One Amaro To Live plot is above, and kind of isn't "personal" anymore since he beat up a former suspect (well, tried to; Wilkes popped him pretty good to get things rolling) and is last seen in cuffs. Is this the end of Amaro's career?!?!?!? (Probably not, boo.)

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