Michael Parmelee / NBC

In Which Everyone On SVU Learns A Very Valuable Lesson About Not Reading The Comments

A vlogger's accusations against a TV star get ugly for everyone involved.

Initial Crime

From the waiting room at Bellevue, vlogger Kristi Cryer records an entry while waiting for the nurse assigned to her case to do her rape kit; the video alleges that the manager of TV star Bobby D'Amico's bar, Noel Panko, raped her in the bathroom.

Real Crime

D'Amico is a big favorite of NYPD generally, and specifically of Dodds Senior's -- as Junior acidly notes, D'Amico "bought the department a lot of Nobu dinners" while researching a cop role he played for ten years -- and Senior is not in a big hurry to investigate anything that reflects poorly on D'Amico, who admits that he and Kristi went in the bathroom for a little oral, and then she "took care of" runty sidekick Noel willingly. Confronted with this version of the story plus video of herself twerking on the dance floor minutes after she says the assault took place, Kristi revises her story: D'Amico forced her to finish the beej, then left the room, at which time Panko raped her at the sink. But between internal politicking and Kristi's inconsistent reports, Barba doesn't have enough to bring stickable charges despite other victims reporting the exact same tag-team set-up by D'Amico and Panko...

REAL Real Crime

...so, after getting into a defensive-new-mom pissing match with Junior in the squadroom, Rollins puts on her trappiest honeytrap outfit and lures D'Amico and Panko into the bathroom, recording them all the while (including the part where Panko gets kneed in the goolies). Unfortunately, because they'd already lawyered up, the undercover op is considered entrapment despite their committing a crime, and Barba can't backdoor it as evidence because Counselor Buchanan declines to put his clients on the stand.

Verdict

Not guilty on all charges thanks to Buchanan's successful raking of Kristi over the coals for, he says, spinning the entire incident to up her pageviews. But the Rollins video gets leaked anyway, ruining D'Amico's career.

Headlines This Was Ripped From

Josh Duggar's alleged assault of Danica Dillon; Amber Amour Instagramming her rape in a bar bathroom.

How Was The Real Story Fictionalized?

Kristi is not an adult-film actress; she didn't take her assault to social media until she'd left the bar; Amour's assault occurred in South Africa; "Bobby D's Hideaway" is, according to the address chyron, either in the middle of Third Avenue, or inside the Second Avenue Deli. Not really the neighborhood for hipster-actor joints, is my point. Or hipster anything.

Famous Guest Star Who Obviously Did It

Craig Bierko -- alas, not reprising his role as erstwhile S5 Benson trick Andy Eckerson. Kristi is played by Vivien Cardone, who looked vaguely familiar to me, but I had completely forgotten she played Delia on Everwood...

L&O-verse Regulars

...AND she's in that Black-Swan Criminal Intent, the one with Supergirl! Brilliant. Evidently the SVU-verse is down to three attorneys, and it's Delaney Williams's turn this week. Ami Brabson is an SVU/Mothership vet, playing Judge Karyn Blake (and other roles) on both shows. James "Panko" Madio was on an S4 Mothership.

It's Late, Y'all!

One of Kristi's vlogs has her describing "gagging on the taste of" D'Amico.

Fin Speaks For Us All

Fin has the week off.

Egregious Breach Of Procedure

Senior doesn't exaaaaactly order them to drop the charges against D'Aminko for lack of evidence, but it's what they end up having to do, especially after Senior advises D'Amico to lawyer up and Liv's like, do you...mind, bro? Rollins's decision to go undercover is completely rogue, and while Liv's almost-teary response is not the most profesh ("I was hoping to get past my trust issues"? don't be a baby, Lieutenant), I suppose technically it isn't a breach. Leaking Rollins's video is, though, and of course Liv assumes it's Rollins who dropped it on NY1, and of course it's Junior, because...

Who On The SVU Team Is Taking It Personally?

...Senior is once again making him look like a daddy's-boy stooge, so, Junior; Liv, because she expected motherhood to turn Rollins into a saint, as it...did...her? She behaved rashly and unprofessionally; leave her parental status out of it, please, and everyone else's, because guess who's taking all the implications about her new-motherhood personally? Rollins.

Revelations About The Continuing Characters' Personal Lives That We Should Remember Going Forward

Carisi took the bar exam; we don't know if he passed, but we do know he's not taking Barba's continuing snidery personally, because he sincerely thanks Barba for teaching him so much about the law. Barba is not the most gracious about that, either, which...can we just not anymore with him acting a bitch to Carisi? And while I'm up, Carisi has the better part of two years on the squad, plus law school, plus all the sisters. It is well past time to stop giving him first-day responses to cases or victims that require Liv to lecture him impatiently on affect, or anything else. He's fine. He's good at the job. Stop writing him as a doofus, it's bullshit.

And speaking of bullshit, we get zero follow-up on whether Liv took Tucker for a ride last week. We also get zero mention of her possible boozing issues, though, so I will grudgingly file my many terrible internal-affairs single entendres for another time.

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