Photo: Michael Parmelee / NBC

Amaro Vincit Omnia

...Ugh. Meanwhile, the only guy Sarah didn't want to slap upside the head flees an outbreak of baby fever.

Initial Crime

After stupid sweaty Amaro is bundled into a squad car and his PBA lawyer tells him IAB is looking to make an example of his hair-trigger ass, AS THEY SHOULD, the squad returns to the rare case that doesn't involve bailing out one of their own: a German tourist arranged for a hooker on Craigslist, only to get rolled and sexually assaulted by the girl's pimp, Little Tino.

Real Crime

Murphy goes undercover as an Irish tourist and snags Little Tino and the bait girl, Ellie, who's not cooperating -- until she finds out that her baby boy, Noah, is in the foster system because Little Tino sold him to those kiddie-porn creeps from February sweeps, who occasionally trade underage girls to Little Tino for turning out (they stay at his mom's illegal "daycare"; gross). Benson, who's been toting her biological clock to family court on the reg to follow Noah's progress through the system, chafes at Murphy's insistence that she use Noah as leverage.

REAL Real Crime

Ellie and her British teeth get meds for withdrawal and hide out at a Catholic halfway house until the trial, but the night before she's to testify, she wigs and sneaks out. The squad tracks Little Tino's house-arrest anklet to some train tracks, where they find Ellie burnt to death after getting gang-raped. Little Tino claims he gave the order, but it's clearly a higher-up, and everyone's too scared to say who it really is (my bet: it's a cop).

Headlines This Was Ripped From

Not really applicable; I could point to a handful of Craigslist-based cases. The Miranda Barbour case is more of a thrill-killing scenario.

Famous Guest Star Who Obviously Did It

I wouldn't say Jason "Jackie Jr." Cerbone is on the side of truth and justice, given that he's Amaro's attorney, but he isn't involved in the Ellie/Little Tino case; Peter "Mr. Hargitay" Hermann as Trevor Langan is mostly there to facilitate meta jokes about Benson not dating lawyers (which I choose to interpret also as a nod to Benson's relationship with David Haden…played by Harry Connick, Jr., who was facing off against SVU in the Idol finale when this aired). We don't know yet who "greenlit" Ellie, and my theory that it's someone in NYPD could indicate Murphy, who bolts for an undercover assignment towards the end of the episode, but Donal Logue got cast in something else, so that's unlikely.

It's Late, Y’all!

The initial assault -- "the perp raped him with a gun" -- and the final one, in which we see Ellie's burnt corpse and are told the ME is processing "semen from at least six different men."

Egregious Breach Of Procedure

Back on The Young And The Amarestless, Rollins poses as a kiddie-porn photo trader to set up Simon Wilkes, then blackmails Mrs. Wilkes into making Wilkes tell the cops he swung on Amaro first, thereby making his assault of Wilkes self-defense and not Amaro acting a macho fool. So, to save this stalky buttwipe's career, Rollins basically ensures that Wilkes can counter-blackmail her, guaranteeing the monster his freedom. He can't be that good in bed, he just can't. Meanwhile, the family-court judge sees Benson in the court gallery again after Ellie's death and is like, well, you're always here and about to cry, so why don't you -- a single police sergeant who works crazy hours in an emotionally toxic division -- just take him? I mean, if we don't have to watch Benson staring at every infant on earth while her ovaries are kangaroo-boxing just offscreen anymore, fine, but COME ON. Does she know anything about babies? She doesn't even bring a diaper bag when she goes to pick him up! He's not a cat! …God, forget it.

Who On The SVU Team Is Taking It Personally?

Rollins, who is all "ohhhh Billeeeeee" up against the bars of Amaro's cell when her so-called boyfriend gets pinched; Amaro, obviously, who admits to Munch, "That marriage is my life" (not that Rollins knows that; dick); Munch, who ponied up Amaro's half-mil in bail out of his two-pension savings (...riiiiight) and then wants to make sure he gets his money back, so he blows a bunch of sunshine up Amaro's ass about how he's natural police (but also repeats about 15 times that he needs to let Maria go); and the icy winds howling through Benson's uterus.

Fin Speaks For Us All

Detective Snark doesn't get much to do in the finale, but IAB Sgt. Draper's face when Amaro claims he doesn't know why Wilkes recanted is a bitch-please classic.

Screen: NBC

Screen: NBC

Verdict

Benson gets sprinkled with foster-parent fairy dust in court and takes custody of Noah. Ellie's real killer remains at large. Amaro still faces administrative charges but, to my weary disgust, will get to keep his shield. Barba is absent.

Revelations About The Continuing Characters' Personal Lives That We Should Remember Going Forward

Munch considered having kids with one of his ex-wives, but can't remember which one; Langan gets kind of flirty with Benson; Rollins is enough into Amaro that she'll lie about going to a meeting and run off to extort Mrs. Wilkes on his behalf, but Amaro is still clinging to Maria in his customary mulish way and doesn't know what Rollins did for him; Benson baby yada.

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