Screens: Comedy Central

When Violence Strikes Wheels, Ontario's Model Parliament, There's Really Only One Possible Culprit

And said culprit reeks of Export A's.

It's hard to believe anything could be happening at Mikey's school on Wheels, Ontario than several projects on root vegetables, but it's true: it's about to be Model Parliament, and delegates from every province have arrived, in their traditional native garb, to participate. Let's hope they brought multiple sets, though, because some bad onion has taken the occasion of the exotic delegates' visit to perpetrate a little terrorism. And not just Canadian terrorism, either, like when someone stands too close behind you in line for the ATM/GAB -- the kind that would be considered terrorism even in the States!

Gif: Previously.TV

Gif: Previously.TV

Because the Mounties must come and investigate the attack -- with the full co-operation of every student, given their bedrock trust and faith in the Canadian justice system -- the effects of the locker bomb prove even more disruptive in the long run than the requests by the delegates from the Northwest Territories to sit with the other provinces' representatives at the big table.

Gif: Previously.TV

Gif: Previously.TV

But if you're in Canada, you're investigating an act of terrorism, and you've ruled out the Muslims and the Americans (thanks, Tunes), there's really only one other group you need to consider.


For her crimes, Tunes's terroristic twin sister will have to endure a sentence in "a safe and comfortable prison built exclusively for French-speaking women of Asian ancestry." But first, Mikey will get to deliver a stirring speech about the land he loves.

"Pardon, but I think I've heard just about enough of this. Look before you. From the forced labour camps of Saskatchewan to the bustling methadone clinics of Vancouver to the overtly vaginal oysters of Prince Edward Island; from the all-nude strip clubs of Windsor to the round, brown, and ready to pound women of the Northwest Territories; from the fiery tar sands of Alberta to the fiery tar sands of the Yukon: Canada stands united!"

In all honesty, Canadians will tell you that Quebecois separatism is mostly a dead issue at this point, and that many of the occupants of Saskatchewan's labour camps are there entirely by choice. They will also tell you that there was probably room in this storyline to make mention of the fact that Newfies are dumb hicks. But just as Mikey said, Canada stands its contempt for Vancouver and its plague of junkies.

Just how Canadian is this?

The Canadianosity Scale™ measures both the accuracy and Canadiannessity of a mention of Canada on American television. A score of eight is roughly equivalent to fiddleheads sautéd with saskatoon berries and served in a hockey mask.
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