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Why Wouldn't Keeping Up With The Kardashians's Kim Just Ask Kourtney To Be Her Surrogate?

And more questions sparked by the season finale!

Why the hell wouldn't Kim just ask Kourtney to be her surrogate?!

Kourtney: has had three successful pregnancies; loves being pregnant more than anything; is not currently dating anyone; would be guaranteed to have the healthiest pregnancy out of any of these ninnies.

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But, sure, instead float the plotline of asking your newly fit sister with a history of fertility struggles (no matter what bullshit she's peddling on that score now), who is in a relationship with a young man, who has a new business, and who is constantly traveling. Is Kim so desperate to reverse the whip on the Khloe-to-Kim hotness ratio that she'll try to make Khloe fat "again" by any means necessary? GOD, I WAS JOKING, BUT WHAT IF THAT IS IT? I know this is all a flim-flam, but what if?

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What is this nonsense about Khloe having "fake tried" to get pregnant with Lamar?

Um, nobody strolls down to the clinic and does IVF, which Khloe claims to have done...as a joke, or something? What, now? I don't know what kind of revisionist history she's selling, nor can I fathom WHY, but fertility treatment is not something you can fake. I guess she could have been lying about it at the time of the above linked interview, but TO WHAT END? I can't with this. I went through treatment myself (not IVF, for that is for the truly committed), and I hate to even think about it now, because it requires me to cast my mind back to its darkest recesses and recall some of the worst moments of my life. If Khloe means she did it and her heart wasn't in it, that's one thing, but it sounds like she's saying she was pulling some kind of scam on her then-husband and actively preventing pregnancy...which would have been smart, if evil. Actually, what it sounds like is "None of this is real and we're all idiots, so here's more of the same."

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That being said, can I implore you to look up how follicles work?

Because Dr. Huang breezed over some stuff in that first exam, and now every dumb thirty-two-year-old watching this is going to run out and try to get jacked by an NBA forward. At the very end of his extremely educational info session with Khloe, using Starbursts to represent egg production, he slides in there that being on the pill for as long as she has may have suppressed her follicle production. Um, yeah? And, when she goes off the pill and returns for another exam, she has a zillion, so...? Listen to me: it's good to be informed, and this show will inform you only of the emptiness in your soul, so if you want to get real information on this very important subject, don't try to glean it from this bamboozlement. /EYEROLL.

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Are we worried about Tristan Thompson?

I know he's a multi-millionaire and could potentially be an NBA Champion (again) here in a minute (they're not the favorites, but basketball is a beguiling mistress never to be trusted). Still, I feel for this Jamaican-Canadian! He's twenty-six. Khloe's thirty-two, which is not that much older, but she's lived so many lifetimes in this very messed up family that she's actually more like seventy-two going on thirteen. If he's ever watched TV, what would be his motivation for sticking his hand in this blender? And you know I'm sick, because the little flashes we've seen of them together make Tristan and Khloe seem very happy. I mean, they seem dumb, but happy, and I can't wish unhappiness on anyone, really, so good for them.

Can Kourtney and Rob just...go?

I would rather watch any of the rest of them do anything than listen to these two cheese graters -- the family's only college graduates! -- say or do squat ever again. (Did y'all know Kourtney graduated from the U of Arizona with a degree in theater arts? Are you dying? My God, imagine Kourtney Kardashian in, say, a William Inge play....)

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So, Rob doesn't want a birthday party, for whatever reason, and it feels like the one smart decision he's made in a WHILE, but y'all know they have that balloon company on contract, and who wants to see Insta posts of Kylie in a (plagiarized) bikini sweatsuit merely wishing Rob an HBD? A party must, obviously, be had.

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All this stuff about Kourtney's dating life: I just want them to stop trying to make her happen so hard. I suggested it before, but why can't they let this frozen forehead have a business selling K-branded chevron pillows and glassware at Kohl's or on QVC or, omg, K-MART? She'd probably eclipse them all in wealth immediately.

Did I say I would "rather watch anything else"?

The hand of fate will bitchslap my smug ass so fast. You'd think I would have learned that lesson somewhere along this littered highway, but I didn't reckon on "the gang" rolling into a Korean barbecue in matching team jackets so that they could watch Kourtney attempt to flirt with a bunch of neckbeards. Neckbeards, by the way, who are legit excited to play in a pinball tournament and not there to be pulled into this ridiculous tractor beam that is dragging feminism into the universe's toilet. On behalf of Korea, whose barbecue was an innocent bystander and cannot be blamed for any of this, I say: 개똥 같은 소리, which the internet tells me translates to "that's bullshit."

What is left to be said?

Apparently, this was the "season finale," though isn't it actually a hiatus, or whatever? Did you know every "season" of KUWTK has had a different number of episodes? E!WYD? Why do I care about this? Anyway, we go now into a murky two-month period where no K or J will appear onscreen to warp our understanding of time and/or butts. How will we live? I, for one, will use this interval for solemn introspection, retreating, monk-like, to the yurt of my mind where I will ask myself "OMG, WHY?" and whence no answer will be forthcoming.

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