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Why And WHEN Are We Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

Friends, the breast is surely yet to come.

This just isn't the way TV should work. I know we're here in the back half of the twelfth season of this inanity, but I still struggle to deal with all of the time-jumping and the loopy dissonance required to sit through an hour of what is essentially a brutally crafted narrative of a thing about which we already know every boring -- crafted -- detail!

Like…I know it seems like my life would go so much better if I would just lay back and take it, but I need to know if they, the Kardashians, are sitting around working out the logic as follows: "We're going to create a thing, plant fake stories about it, film our constructed reactions to it, edit those reactions into a 'documentary' about the original thing, and then see what people say about our behind-the-fake-scenes behavior long after they forgot the thing even happened." Because that's what this retelling of the Famous video release party is. Sub-question: Did Kanye really rent The Forum to show a twelve-minute video? What did everyone do after that? Did they open the concession stands? And those are just some of my questions. How it's possible that I have more, I don't know, but here they are.

Do I have a new reason to feel sorry for Kris?

I'm not even to the Caitlyn stuff yet. Just wait. Prior to all that, I started feeling so gross for her while she sat there between Kourtney and Scott and listened to them argue about whether or not you can edit a Snapchat…this is a bad life. I don't care how much money she has, she's got to have moments of realization that what she's done is create a vacuum of shallow stupidity that will continue to gorge itself as long as her descendants walk the earth.

Kim's voice…is it worse than ever?

Rhetorical question. I know it is. Does the Atkins Diet take the weight out of your words, too?

When will Khloe like herself?

The answer is never, but…damn. Girl, you can't BE Kim. You've been trying for thirty years and you can't do it! Why you'd want to, anyway, is beyond understanding, but by this point, realize it can't be achieved. Good GOD how I loathe the way everyone talks to Khloe, even more than the way she talks about herself. The whole "you used to be disgusting but now you're half-decent" shtick. It's awful and I guess she's been living in it for so long that she doesn't hear it? I'd feel bad for her, but she's too much of an enthusiastic participant in the whole terrible cycle. Sadder still is Kim's obvious fear that Khloe will eclipse her in hotness if she gets a boob job. I can't believe I'm talking about this.

Wait. Scott is willing to work?!

Khloe's pep talk advising ol' Drakkar Noir over here against doing club gigs and going back (?) to flipping houses seems to get him going in a good direction. I mean, it also seems years too late, but okay.

Did they figure out a way to make going to the dentist worse?

I'm sorry…did Khloe's dentist, a board-certified (I presume) medical professional, just make a joke about her having a pubic hair in her teeth? I really hate the world.

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Am I drunk right now?

First of all, did Kim Kardashian -- KIM KarDASHian…Kim KARDASHian -- just say that Caitlyn needs to learn to tone her look down? Ha haaaaaa…? Oh, lord. Let me just get a hold of myself. Putting her body aside for the moment, as if that is even possible, recall that this is the woman walking around L.A. for the last year wearing a wetsuit under a fur coat. Secondly, I don't ever know what to say about Caitlyn, really, so confused am I by the pitiful nature of her reality. Here is a transgendered person who was given a billion-megawatt spotlight through which she could teach the world, and…I don't know. I feel like all we've learned is that Caitlyn is the worst, and that all she's learned is how to speed-dial the "glam squad."

Speaking of the worst, when will Kris decide how she feels about Caitlyn and her children?

She seems genuinely mad at Kim for "styling" Caitlyn for the ESPYs, which, whatever, but then turns around and admits she never let on about her continued Caitlyn rage because she didn't want her children to feel conflicted? But PS, she now demands their "loyalty" because "enough is enough"? So, what is it they're all supposed to do now? Haven't there been innumerable family dinners and conversations and, I think, even a few vacations with Kris and Caitlyn? Is she upset about some financial thing, because otherwise why should she care if Kim goes to Caitlyn's house to lecture her about shoes?

Their final conversation, though, felt like it could have been real. Kris says she doesn't have anyone to talk to who has been through anything remotely similar to her relationship with Bruce and then Caitlyn. Twenty-five years of marriage was a lot of Christmas Eves, a lot of Father's Days and Mother's Days and just life -- she's been pushing her feelings down so as not to upset her children, and Kim helping Caitlyn just hit her the wrong way and it all came to the surface. Wow, this seems like important emotional content that would be beneficial to a wider…oh, the sixty seconds of that is up and the show is now over? So glad we spent the rest of the hour on Khloe's potential boob job, which she didn't get. Also, how THRILLED will Julia Roberts be when she hears her name in the mouths of these actual hos? Anyway, welcome back to the season, everyone. Everything old is old again.

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