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The Family Keeps Trippin' On Keeping Up With The Kardashians

And the sisters make quite a splash with (on) Scott.

The family vacation from hell continues in paradise. Everybody hates each other, and I don't blame them. Kourtney celebrates driving the nail in Scott's coffin by having nude photographs taken of herself in the pool. It's all very dumb and boring, and yet, I can't help asking:

Does anyone really know the definition of 'integrity'?

The raking of poor Hermes Manpurse over the coals about his Skank Airlines delivery on this classy family vacation, ha HAAAA. All this "How could you?" and "There's a level of respect!" high dudgeon among these people who wouldn't know a boundary if they got shot by border patrol. Are you kidding me? "You can't go four days?" they ask of his raging libido. It's a reasonable question, but then again, so is his response: "No! I'm a sex addict!" He recants it in a confessional, but it's out of the bag. I'm sure the Costa Rican waiters, hoping to make enough money to survive, are enjoying this conversation about how Scott's unrequited passion for the dead soul of Kourtney leads him to ever-lower levels of depravity on every million-dollar vacation he is handed for free.

Look, when they ALL throw water in his face, I know they're pigs, and you know they're pigs, and of course it was all staged, but he had it coming. Not necessarily for this incident, but for all the preceding incidents in which he has blamed everyone else for the behavior that he engages in that results in his continued separation from his children. They all seem to forgive each other over this embarrassing incident which only goes to prove how emotionally dysfunctional they are as human beings, as if we needed proof.

What is Khloe wearing/saying/doing/etc?

First of all, when my husband cruised by on a Cheez-It run to the kitchen at one point and caught a glimpse of Khloe's braids, he casually called her "Ho Derrick" and for that I know you will join me in thanking him.

Secondly, do you think it was her parents' divorce that caused Khloe's intense abandonment issues and insecurity? She was very young when that happened, and yes, I have my psychology degree from Google's Online Night School Community Learning Annex, but that's my diagnosis. Why can't she let anyone just be on vacation? I get that she wants to have real experiences with everyone, but can she not look around and see what she's dealing with? Ain't nothing real about any one of these people, from their Jackson model noses down to their increasingly bizarre butts, Khloe's included. You allowed Tyga to come on your vacation? Lady, you get what you pay for. And why are you seeking to "bond" with your own mom? Y'all have known each other for a while, right?

And third: that one-piece black-striped unitard thing she wore to the last dinner. Please know that this is not body-shaming, this is me seeking to understand what is happening…she looks like a centaur and I now that I've made this silhouette comparison in my mind, I can't unsee it.

Is anyone else worried about King?

Because who is taking care of him on this trip? The resort maids?

Are all their swimsuits too small?

It's a rhetorical question. They're too small and, especially, too short. They just are! Y'all! If you're going to take your ass up nine sizes, you have to acknowledge that the suit must follow. There are boobs bulging out of arm holes, thongs absolutely straining under hip-to-hip tension, and intimate areas, just generally, exposed to the elements. It isn't right.

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Are we supposed to be impressed by Kourtney's "nude shoot" in the pool?

Why? I think I've seen her do a few of these, now. What are the photo shoots for, anyway? Why is Kylie "jealous" of it? The attention? To what end? I comprehend nothing.

What is this insane legal process of the French judge coming to New York?

Is this how anything works? I don't even know how to confirm it. If you get attacked by French people in France, a judge will fly to your country to gather translated testimony from you and you can show up in a Crystal Gayle wig and a fake lip ring? Is this service something you can order from the Hague-to-Go menu? I'd ask what is even happening, but the real question is: why do I care?

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