Kourtney Keeps Changing Her 'Mind' On Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Al Lowe would settle for her changing her voice.

An entire hour of Kourtney going in circles because she can't make a decision about anything in her life, from going on a trip to going to lunch. Could it be because nothing in her life actually matters, thus making it impossible to choose a direction? The answer is yes. That solves that, but I guess it would be weird if I didn't have some follow-up questions:

What's Simon like when someone talks about something serious?

Because my man will give you soap-opera-villain-level reactions over minutia at the drop of a dime. "KIM. [camera zooms in] YOU DON'T LIKE… [violins] OLIVES? [room spins]" He is ridiculous by association, but I sort of love him. He and Kim can't even keep from breaking character and laughing about having to film this little moment over their Fashion Week salads.

Is Chyna the best actress in L.A.?

This lady is the hardest-working woman in the family right now. Whatever stereotypical, insultingly clichéd role she is asked to play -- Crazy Black Girl; Golddigger; Sex Toy; Person Disgusted by Rob Kardashian, the Father of her New Baby -- she does it, and does it well. She's on camera for three seconds and in that time manages to convey every assigned character above.

I don't know if, in actual reality (if that exists), Rob and Chyna are really together and get along fine, but…their lives are inane and it feels like they both know that. But nobody knows that more than Kris, the architect of all this nonsense. The conversation between her and Rob in which she has to drag herself away from her phone to gently disabuse him of the notion that she and his own father, from whom she was divorced when Rob was two years old, did not "always get along," is sad in the extreme. Her advice, that good relationships take time, is solid, but all the more depressing considering the little baby who will suffer the consequences of Rob's dysfunction. (If Dream is even real and not a prop baby.)

Why, Kylie?

Y'all don't think I haven't seen these Life Of Kylie commercials, do you? Is this the show they're making room for by bumping Rob & Chyna (if that indeed happened)? What is there left to possibly understand about Kylie? She's got some kind of dysmorphic disorder that made her think she needed to surgically change her 18-year-old face and ass so that she could turn into some kind of uberKim and never know another day of what it feels like to have a clean face? That's all I'm interested in hearing about, because it is the truth. Please don't tell me I'm about to watch a revealing summer series about how she's down to Earth because she likes those ratdogs that poop all over her house. PLEASE DON'T.

Does no one have any money?

Why are they obsessed with who's going to split private jet charges and who's going to pay for lip kits? Is it the principal of the thing? Is it because they spend every dime of their zillions of dollars on Yeezy sweatsuits? Is it because they bailed out Kanye?

Speaking of Kanye: is he all right? I mean, I know he isn't, but do they have to make it look like he is really not all right at all? Who's to say what's real, but it seems like he and Kim are genuinely devoted. Or, at least, they understand each other. Maybe. The world has changed a lot in the last decade, and Kanye is struggling, but I just want to remind you that, yes, he's krazy, but the guy has had some significant hero moments and made some truly incredibly contributions to music. I need him to figure out his place in the modern game and come back strong. I need him to explain why he's down with Trump. I need him to talk Kim out of Season 14, because my soul is broken. Maybe he can take a fashion break and concentrate on that. I know it turns out he has been right about everything -- America is still racist AF; Taylor Swift is damaging society; the media does try to "dishumanise" people who believe in themselves -- but I still can't see the vision of these gigantic sweat coats over pantyhose jog bras he's been forcing Kim to wear this year.

How much does Kourtney grate on my nerves? I REALLY CAN'T DECIDE.

Okay, this whole thing with Kourtney being indecisive and how that is "debilitating" for her and how she was cured by watching one Tony Robbins documentary…was super annoying, yes. WHY did the L.A. Fire Department agree to participate in this embarrassing and wasteful display? I don't want to be one of those Internet People, but: how much taxpayer money was wasted so Kourtney could get an Instagram picture of herself in fire gear while the first responders who actually risk their lives to save others stand around during wildfire season?

It's all very dumb. BUT! Wasn't it also, for once, sort of relatable to real people who live actual lives in the world? She's a distracted mom who feels anxious about traveling away from her children. She can't decide on paint colors because, well, there are so many. I feel you, girl. You don't even need Tony Robbins to explain why you've had a decade-long codependent relationship with a tube of self-tanner. You have Adult ADHD, inattentive type. Look it up. Listen, by day, I'm a healthcare copywriter, which grants me diagnostic privileges in this internet hospital. I know what I'm talking about. Also, I have that. Now, I can't tell you why you're also BFF with people like Joe Francis and spend so much of your valuable paint-choosing time driving around eating salads and having photo shoots in pools -- there's no medical explanation for something so horrible. I hope Tony can get your indecisiveness straightened out in time for you to get your affairs in order, because I'm afraid, from what I have seen of your terrible symptoms, the comorbidities of your disease could prove to be terminal(-ly stupid).

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