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Kim Kockblocks The Lord On Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Sadly, no one is devoured by the shark in Scott's room.

Here's a question: Why, God? Why? Since I won't have an answer to that until I reach the pearly gates and demand an explanation from the Big Guy as to how these people thrive in luxury while so many others suffer…here are a few more:

How does Scott live like this?

No, I'm not even talking about his groupie sex in a hotel bathroom inside a stingray tank in Dubai (a real sentence about a thing that happened). I refer instead to the trumped-up intro scene where Kris literally runs into the kitchen, name-drops "Melanie's daughter, Dakota," refers to "the new 50 Shades Of Grey," conveniently whips out a promotional sex toy, steals his bracelet, and then peaces out stage left without ever sitting down.

One wonders about Scott Disick's life before becoming involved with these people. Did he ever have, like, goals? Besides owning things, and being owned?

Is Kendall Caitlyn's favorite because they are just alike?

Is there anyone in the world having a worse hashtag moment than Kendall Jenner right now? The Pepsi commercial outrage was just dying down when she got dinged for promoting the disastrous Fyre Festival. Actually, to call it disastrous would be an insult to disasters. The Hindenburg right now is like, "How dare you?" Yes, remember the world we used to live in where we believed Ja Rule was going to throw an awesome tent party for a bunch of heiresses on a deserted beach? How could it have gone so wrong?

Anyway, this barely-there C-story about Kendall being sad that her dad keeps asking questions about Kylie when Caitlyn is supposed to be buying her a horse…Kendall seems angry and lonely, and Caitlyn spent a lot of years being angry and lonely and at least appears still be lonely. They are just alike in many ways. These people are kind of pitiful and I feel sorry for them that they can't just live and relax and not be forced to put their obvious social anxiety on camera.

Were any of these people actually surprised by Scott's behavior?

He's been sober for an entire four months? Wow? Ah, well, certainly let's take him on an international trip with some hangers-on who want nothing more than to keep him boozed up so that they can continue riding his embarrassing coattails. Ol' Hennessy White over here seems uncomfortable with his whole life right now. Perhaps because in his old age he's realized that every part of said life is irretrievably stupid. Fake or real, it just is. The fights with dead-eyed Kourtney, the addiction crises, traveling the world away from your young children so you can "work" by standing in a bar holding something?

What I do appreciate around all of this is the anti-codependency message to which the show is trying now to promote. Kourtney's the human shrug emoji when it comes to Scott these days -- not that she ever seemed to actually like him in the first place -- and Khloe, having cycled through the Lamar drama, has no time left to deal with people who won't get themselves in gear. I feel one thousand percent the same. Get about your business, poor little rich boy.

Why Kim, who is a long-term, firsthand witness to Scott's lameness as a father and partner to her beloved sister, would be 'shipping them so hard makes no sense in the context of actual reality or "reality." Surely they don't believe we're all just waiting for Round 51 of "Scott 'n' Kourtney Take Weehawken," or wherever the hell is left for them to take. "Disicks Do Denver." "Kourt in Portland." These ideas are not good, and the reason is that no one wants to see another second of Kourtney's dead eyes rolling on this responsibility-phobic self-tanner junkie.

What do these people think a broken home is?

When their little friend at dinner described Scott and Kourtney's kids as coming from a "broken home," she was right. A "modern family," as everyone was so quick to correct her, is not a single mom taking care of three kids with a bunch of nannies and cameramen. If their relationship is in any way as shown, it's a broken home or, more technically correct, a home that was barely "together" in the first place. Well!

Should Kim reboot Cheaters?

Forget the rest of these people, what I want to see is Kim and her friend Simon going around busting folks like Scott and the bathroom tramp. Picture it! The scene opens on the lobby of the Tampa Radisson. Kim Kardashian clicks by, a floor-length fur coat hanging off both shoulders. "Kim, help," a desperate woman calls. "My boyfriend is somewhere in this hotel with a backpage massage therapist!" Kim and Simon rush up to the third floor, knock on Room 333, and chase down the cheating boyfriend, tying his wrists together with hair extensions until the police arrive. I mean this sincerely: she'd be so good at it.

Is it her business what Scott does? In fact, it literally is, but even if it wasn't, she's so conniving and takes such pleasure in busting people, I'd watch her do it every week. She and Simon are a good pair. True Detective S3.

Do I understand Dubai?

I will reveal my deep ignorance here and admit that I'm so confused by Dubai, for real. This amount of money is something I can't comprehend. If I understand it correctly, the history of Dubai is: trading village, fishing village, then 250 years of not much happening, OIL, smash cut to the world's most expensive everything and Scott Disick sleeping with a dolphin. Do people just go there to purchase neutral-toned clothing and, I don't know, to ski indoors? Is it like Vegas for the super-rich but instead of gambling you pop bottles…in carefully designated areas in order to comply with the laws of Islam…while shopping? Why do women pay to sit in an arena to see someone put makeup on Kim Kardashian? And is teaching Middle Eastern women how to contour their cheekbones worth your life, Kim? "If the worst happens," she says in a shaking voice before taking the stage, "tell my husband and my kids that I love them." Girl, if you are that nervous, you can really stay home. Like, forever. You're rich enough.

Actually, Kim's incredible fame in the Arab world and how the family capitalizes on that off the white American media radar, and the ways she's influencing international feminism, might make an interesting OH NEVER MIND BOBBY BROWN IS IN A COMMERCIAL CRYING WITH A MIDDLE-SCHOOL PSYCHIC I GOTTA GO.

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