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Keeping Up With The Kardashians Resurrects The Lord

God help us all.

As you read this, friends, it will be Hallowe'en. As you prep to greet dozens of tiny Spidermen and Princess Elsas (still going strong in my neighborhood), I hope you spare a moment to devote to the question: what was the most frightening moment of the kurrent Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I know, it seems impossible to decide -- Kourtney's zombie eyes listening to Rob talk about whatever; Khloe's scary clown makeup; Kris's wax face, melting over her mummy's birthday candles -- so I ranked a few of the most ghoulish moments for you, from "eek" to "freak."

  1. North's Hair.

    Kim wants to learn how to do North's hair because "it's a prideful thing to me to make her look pretty and feel confident." You have an African-American child who is nearly four and you haven't invested time and attention into understanding black hair? You're not clear on the cultural importance? Would you like to borrow my Solange albums? Or is it that you ARE clear, but you're just not saying the word "black" on this show for whatever reason? There are entire shelves at the library dedicated to this subject. Hundreds of magazine articles. A million Facebook groups. Why are you just saying "curly hair"? I have curly hair. Nobody had to take lessons on how to do it. Because the texture and growth pattern of my hair is different from a black person's hair. It's okay to say your daughter is black and that you are not and, thus, you want to respect her by learning about how best to do her hair. She's a beautiful, beautiful little girl. Really, this whole conversation with Larsa Pippen, who also has a black daughter and is acting weird about how to address her hair, makes Kim look like a dick, but makes Larsa look even WORSE. As she eats a meal of poppy seeds one at a time, she whine-talks about her husband, the legendary Scottie Pippen (whom she is currently divorcing, maybe?), teaching her sons how to play basketball and sort of implies that no one teaches her daughter how to do any damn thing. KUWTK: making me feel sorry for rich people for twelve seasons now.

  2. The Resurrection of the Lord.
    Am I confused about every single thing we have ever learned about how ol' Beluga Caviar over here behaved when he was calling himself "The Lord"? Didn't the entire family spend years freaking out about his drug-fueled lifestyle and obnoxious neglect of Kourtney and their children? Wasn't US Weekly's 2010-2016 editorial budget dedicated to his weekends in Vegas and Morocco? And then he went to rehab (repeatedly) and finally seems to, for the purposes of the show, anyway, have his act together and now they're like (cue vocal fry) "liiiiike, he's not as fuuuunnnnn, or whateveeerrrr." He's in "a funk" because Kourtney is no longer babysitting his drunk ass and years have gone by since he's done anything of substance. Watching Rob circle the bowl must be illuminating for him, but sober Scott is much more tolerable than LD in his original form by a mile.
  3. MJ at the Races.
    Everything about Kris is made so clear whenever she is around her mom (as is true about every woman and her mom, I guess). But hearing MJ say, of the horse track, "[Kris] and I grew up there!" Wow. I had a moment where I could see a visible timeline between Kris's childhood with her young mom at the track, stretching all the way to Kim's sex tape millions.
  4. Rob…come on, man.
    We already saw all this Rob/San Diego/Chyna/Vegas nonsense go down on that sterling program Rob & Chyna -- and if you didn't read my posts on it when it happened there, don't even bother trying to make it up to me now. No! I see you planning to give me a "spa day" because "so much has been going on" and you "just wanted Al Lowe to know she's appreciated" so you're "following it up with a girls' luncheon at Chateau Marmont." Oh my Gaaaaaaaahhhhd, like, I really love it, you guyyyyyys? You didn't have to do thiiiiissss.

    ANYWAY. Rob is "uncomfortable" being overweight because he feels like he doesn't look good, so instead of trying to look better, he's just going to stay in the sweats and be mad at everyone else for noticing the thing he won't stop making so obvious. Been there, sir, and the only place it leads is to increased fatness. I feel for him, but I can only hope he watches these episodes and decides to get help from a professional and a support group made up of actual people, not his family. Release yourself, Rob. Your depression and overeating has been coming between you and your life for years now. Twelve-step it, bro.

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