Keeping Up With The Kardashians Reminds Us What To Be Thankful For

And that is that we made it to the season finale.

I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. And, the good news is: I don't have to! And neither do you! Until next season, that is, which is, what, next week? I don't even know. I realize I go up and down and stress about what is real and what isn't and wonder why they let Kylie become what she has become and why Rob even IS, but… I've hit emotional rock bottom with these people. It's like I've become one of them -- an expressionless robot allowing my butt to expand for profit as I watch this and shame-eat microwave popcorn and leftover Halloween candy.

I'm telling y'all, when I got to Minute 39 of this thing (Rob fumbling around with strangers' children at some in-home daycare while Scott stared at his phone), I paused the TV for a long time. I stared at the ceiling. I asked myself, "Why?" I contemplated the meaning of life here at the end of all things. I mentally catalogued my personal and professional failures. I reflected on the great art created by mankind throughout the span of time. I prayed for deliverance. None came. I took a final deep breath and pushed "play."

As I lay sighing, from the void emerged these questions:

Will we ever be done with Kim's Koats?

Kris has a "wreck," the cause or veracity of which is unconfirmed and unknowable, and everyone drags their asses to the scene to rally round. If the woman legitimately was in an accident in which her car was totaled: condolences, because that is scary and I don't want anyone's mom to be imperiled. I mean, it seems like Kris drove her own car away from the scene, but let's not look too hard for information we, ultimately, do not care about.

I couldn't even think about it much anyway because to greet her shaken-up mother moments after a near-death experience, Kim wears a TINY dress under a "coat" that's longer than the dress, but wears that coat hanging off both shoulders, thus creating the effect that sh;s nude under the coat. And, like always, she;s so committed to the coat/shoulder/nudity arrangement, she's unable to participate at all in the display going on around Kris, content instead to wait, coldblooded, for the inevitable moment attention shifts back to her.



Is there anything richer than Scott giving parenting advice?

Scott wants "Bob" to have a strong relationship with his daughter, so he arranges? accompanies? who really knows? a couple of baby/kid lessons for Rob prior to the arrival of -- spoiler alert – Baby Dream. Scott is quick to point out that he knows he is not the perfect parent, but BUT NOTHING, SON. Naaaahhh. Six years of you participating in the dumbing down of America with your Vegas parties and vacations in Monaco and rehabs and the Hamptons and the three kids you've made no secret of not wanting in the first place? SHUT IT DOWN. "But, Al, people cha--" NEWP. "But, Al, didn't you sort of start liking--" I SAID SHUT IT DOWN.

Did I cause Corey to lose his contract?

Corey was on camera for exactly eight seconds in the season finale and says no words. Did my trash talking of his irrelevance to this otherwise also irrelevant hour of the week contribute to his absence in the back half of the season? If so, you're welcome, Corey!

Is anyone else surprised that Chyna and Scott seem like the most sensible people around?

Yes, I was just punching on ol' Armani Exchange up there, which makes it all the more awful that he and Chyna are the most tolerable players in this game. Chyna, who was raised in relative poverty and had about 1/1,000,000 the opportunities any KarJenner was born into, seems unable to keep from cringing at the antics of this wagon load of ding-dongs she's hitched herself to.



This stuff with the shower that the sisters wanted to throw Chyna, but can't because Rob's not speaking to her, so they throw it for Rob instead, and then he doesn't show for it because he's mad it's not for Chyna: y'all, maybe if you stopped contriving reasons to throw parties every time someone eats a salad, the "honorees" wouldn't be so confused by whatever it is you're trying to do. I mean, it seemed like it was going to be a super-classy affair and everything with the DILF hats, and I'm sure Rob would have worn his best sweatshorts and shower shoes, but next time just hold off on the Hermes playsuits before there's a baby around to pee in them.

Shouldn't Khloe have a successful talk show by now?

Because she's the only one who can talk. And I don't mean some vulgar thing where she interviews adult film stars about sex toys.

Why have all their attempts to make Khloe and Scott happen failed? They're clearly the most personable members of the family; when Scott is not strung out and Khloe is not being disgusting, they are interesting people. I like that Khloe likes to learn and that Scott, for all his (MANY) faults, has manners. Neither of them seems mean. Both of them are sly. These are good showbiz qualities. I can only assume that the E! audience didn't go for Khloe's kocktails thing because it was poorly executed, and that Scott is not yet well enough to throw himself into the media mix?



Will next season be all about the robbery?

And, if so, will it be as boring as Kris's "wreck"? Frankly, I'm already bored by it, whether it happened as reported or not. That's how dead my heart is. Kim's a mother of two and was allegedly begging for her life and I'm like, "[yawn] But what was Kourtney wearing?" Not that the reports of the incident were consistent at all -- was she bound by ropes or zip ties? did they steal her phone(s)? where were the bodyguards? -- except of course that all reports were consistently boring.

But, knowing that the robbery story is coming and that Kim has two kids and is perhaps starting to feel her age a little as Kylie continues her ascendency, I'm forced to ask the following final question as we call a wrap on Season 12:

Is all this nonsense about Kim becoming everyone's manager a setup to prepare us for her retirement from public life?!


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