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Keeping Up With The Kardashians Opens The Ex Files

Scully would never believe this mess.

I was taken aback this week when so much seemingly real sentiment occurred on screen as various Kardashians navigated their interpersonal relationships. Where normally things seem very obviously staged for the cameras, some of this felt like it might have happened this way. I mean, even when Kim gets robbed and has her life threatened, it's three weeks of sitting around adjusting her wig, half-crying and never really saying anything. Even the episode in which Kanye apparently had a total collapse was endless filler about Robert Kardashian, Sr.'s enduring legacy as some kind of internationally revered figure (?) and Malika's dirty Jerz romance.

So, to have all these confusingly emotional bombs raining from the sky -- Rob's mental illness; Rob and Chyna's very stupid relationship; Caitlyn's…just Caitlyn in general -- was shocking and left me at a loss as to where to begin. All this meta stuff about Rob and Chyna having to beg to have a second season of their show…I have so many questions about it, but I hate to let that one subject it eclipse everything else we learned in this sterling hour of television. Let me make a quick list:

Can we get more information about tomatoes?

They stain things, even if your mom made that chili with "really fresh ingredients" with no "preservatives or artificial coloring in there." WTF with this opening scene? Was it a commercial for Big Tomato? Or against it? Why is this here and why did it seem like Kris was really wanting to make a point about preservatives? Are these people ever normal?

Do we finally have an explanation for all of these Yeezy/Kendall + Kylie neutrals?

Kendall is pretty sure they can't use red in their fashion line because "people are scared" and "don't want to take risks anymore." She's right. I'm scared. But not of the color red. I'm scared that this show has been on for thirteen seasons and has polluted the culture to the degree that it has. Wait -- tomatoes are red…am I beginning to understand? Is this a coded message? If it is, I'm not getting it, Kendall! Are you scared? Are you cold because no one will let you wear a coat all the way on your shoulders? Pull your left earlobe three times if you need help!

Kylie has "old homes"?

Kylie, who is 19 years old, with grace and magnanimity, apparently allowed Rob, 30 and a graduate of USC, to move his girlfriend and their new baby into "one of my old homes," which they immediately proceeded to trash during one of their juvenile fights. Now…those of us who suffered through six episodes of this right here know full well that Rob and Chyna both had their own homes, but that's not even the point. Do you know how many spare homes I have? Zero. And how many I had to give away when I was 19? Less than zero. What is Kylie's life?

But here's the thing: I can no longer even bust on this child, because at this point she seems to at least as stable than the rest of them. After Chyna texts everyone in his family putting Rob on maximum blast (and oh, how I would love to read those texts -- they must have been accurate or they'd be using them to paint Chyna as crazy), Kylie is the one to make the succinct observation that Chyna doesn't even LIKE Rob and that, thus, he should cut his losses and get out of this unhealthy "relationship" with his life.

I'll ask again: What's wrong with Rob?

His weird voice when Snapchatting; his insistence that Chyna is required to "be in love" with him; his denial that the way they function together is anything but normal…we already knew it, but he is MESSED UP. Corey and Kim, there to come to his "rescue," cannot even spin whatever is happening to make Rob seem like the victim. He talks like the most delusional addict and, I don't know, I'm at a point in my life where my patience for self-saboteurs is so very low. I'm so over it, I'm under it, and his clean-up squad clearly feel the same.

If this is all a bunch of trumped-up nonsense to promote another season of Rob & Chyna…WHY? That was nothing but six weeks of low-ratings agony. Good Lord, when the Kardashicrew talk out the show prospects over dinner and Kendall has to be the one to ask, "Why is 'a show' even something we're talking about right now?!" and everyone's like, "Well, it's his job…" Y'all. Aren't you rich enough? Either you're exploiting the mental illness of your brother and the PTSD of your niece's mother, or you're inventing these trashy stories for fun and profit. It's not a good look for you as human beings. Get Rob (and Scott, while we're at it) into real estate school and let him work off-camera for his money.

I guess Kim dated a Jackson?

When Kim pulls out her "ex box" to reveal the things she saved from her "relationship" with Tito Jackson, Jr. in order to encourage Khloe not to burn her old wedding photos…was this just a product placement for chicken nuggets? Or for the Alaia shoe box that Kourtney used to house her own ex files? Because nothing else makes sense. Kim's been married twice (she did casually toss in Kris Humphries's name at one point) and famously dated some major celebrities -- she has to go all the way back to 1994 to make this metaphor work? I guess she doesn't have an ex box with Ray J, unless you count the DVD case…

Isn't Kris & Cait the show we really want to see?

Give me six weeks of this SHADE BATTLE, just the two of them drinking wine and coming to terms with the tangled webs of their twenty-five-year marriage. Caitlyn is, without question, the most competitive narcissist around. Bruce is gone, but that world-class athlete is still in there, laser focused on winning…whatever this is between them.

Kris, whose back teeth are probably ground to dust from trying to put the best face on this situation while avoiding actually digging too deeply into the truth of it, can't help lob a few zingers over the net. "I always wondered why you peed sitting down…" I gagged laughing. Caitlyn unapologetically -- because I'm 100 percent positive she's never apologized for anything in her life -- admitting that she used to let the kids take the blame for stealing Kris's makeup is so indicative of her true nature and her desperation to make the world believe that Kris has been aware of her double life all along.

E!

I feel like the show was trying to make us draw a parallel between Kris and Caitlyn's split and Khloe's divorce, but a grosser comparison emerged between them and the dysfunction of Rob and Chyna.

But am I once again being bamboozled by their other-level PR? Are Kris and Cait secretly BFFs and all of this is just a put-on to monetize the Kardashian hate so that Cait can sell her new book? If so, we'll have to wait one more day to see if it worked. The Secrets Of My Life drops tomorrow. Yes, I'm going to read it. Shut up!

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