Keeping Up With The Kardashians Made That Bitch Famous

They got that, they got that, they got that MILF money.

Lots of craziness in the world this week. Things that would keep any good citizen up at night, worried about the state of our nation and, really, humankind itself. Like, what if Kylie's next lip kit sale crashes the server again? What if Kourtney eats a Pop Tart? Is it any wonder I can't sleep? With all these questions swirling in my mind, I had to get some down on paper to more fully explore the earth-shattering possibilities. And here they are:

Does Scott go to the beach every single day?

I know L.A. is sunny, but he always looks like he has just returned from the Amalfi Coast with a case of imported hair gel. It's only occurring to me as I type this that Kourtney fell for him in the first place because he's a student of that same slicked-back bronzed look her dad mastered back in the day. Robert Sr. was also famously in the habit of making some really misguided friendships with dudes with borderline personality disorder. ...Wow. The whole story on Scott and Kourtney just clicked into place for me.

Is this all that happens at a hosted Vegas nightclub party?

I realize asking this will reveal that I have never been to a hosted nightclub party, but 1) who has?; and 2) maybe I'm realizing I've never even been to a nightclub? Like, I've been to some very large dance clubs, but they didn't look like Thunderdome with roiling masses of sweating humanity writhing as one while rave lasers cut across the ceiling. Plus, the thought of engaging in such activity and then having to stop to hear an inspirational party message from a Kardashian makes no sense to me. What goes on at these things? Do people show up for the specific reason that a famous person is "hosting"? Isn't everyone there 23? Isn't Kim 36? This is dumb.

If your child was being stalked by an escaped psychiatric patient, how fast would you move to darkest Peru?

When Kylie responds to hearing that her stalker walks the streets again by imagining herself taking selfies with a German Shepherd attack dog, even Kourtney acknowledges that she is stupid. I don't know…maybe it's because Kylie's parents peaced out on her upbringing before the appropriate time. She is basically 18 and a dumb-ass, as is developmentally normal, but it is all made worse by the utterly vapid state of her life. The idea hatched by her sisters to fake-stalk her at a health-food restaurant seems exactly like a mean little plan three grown women with nothing to do would hatch, but when Kris mildly berates Kourtney for the failed lesson and asks her to remember that Kylie is young…Mom, check yourself. Your "baby" is living in a mansion with a permanently disfigured face and body, running on your cash treadmill.

Still, when Kourtney apologizes (wearing a lavender velour tube top), it seems half-sincere, which is at least forty percent more sincere than anything else on this show.

Remember when Kanye could spit?

The footage of him in the studio putting "Famous" together made me kind of nostalgic. Also: remember when Kanye was like, BFFs with Jay-Z and Beyoncé? Ye and Bey all hanging out in dressing rooms playing Connect Four. They ain't tight like that anymore. What possibly possessed him to throw in his lot with the Kardashians? Not that he was Prince Harry or somebody, but some kind of prestige got away from him, somehow. Watching all these conversations about Taylor Swift confirms for me that their feud has been contrived from the start. Kim's officially his publicist? Come on. That "Famous" video is his cry for help to be understood: he's telling us everybody in it is "in bed together." Are you seeing the signs?! I'm cracking codes all OVER the damn place tonight! PS, I'm writing this at 3:30 AM. You can't stop my mind! I'm on some Illuminati shit over here!

What does Personal Trainer Don do in his spare time?

God, I hope it's "sit at home counting stacks of cash." I could almost survive these episodes without barfing if Don was featured for just a little bit longer each time. He doesn't need a story line. I just want to see him make these chicks drag their butts up and down hills every week in his no-nonsense style.

Did Kris just say "when are you moving back here?" to her former roommate and home-invading nemesis, Kim?!

Maybe she meant back to the area? Surely she did not mean "back to this house" after putting us all through nine hundred episodes of her hating to live with Kim? Anyway, I enjoy their meeting where Kris reveals that she did not even read Kim's GQ interview, and is rebuffed when she suggests that Kim just call Taylor to patch things up. Kim, looking like she is experiencing actual sleeplessness due to actual mothering, is not here for that. And, seriously -- no slam on Tay Tay, who has now been on the grind for 10-plus years and is working that Sandra Dee image within an inch of its life, but in between her actual creative endeavors, she has given way more time to turning herself into just another tube of lipstick with a momager, and she's in the game to play it. If this is actually real (it couldn't be), she can call herself the victim, offended by being referred to as "that bitch," but it's disingenuous and silly and if she wants to get her name out of Kanye's mouth, she should just shut up, herself. Either way, I can never forgive her for turning Tara and me into Kim K. apologists.

Am I supposed to hate "MILF$?"

Because I don't. No, I know it's terrible, and the video makes it so much worse. And, sure, if Ruth Bader Ginsberg saw it, what would she say? But, I don't know...these cartoon fools are having fun. When Beyoncé does it, everybody trips over themselves to praise her confident genius, but let Kim Kardashian put on latex underwear and stand in a milk shower… okay, yeah, I'm seeing it now.

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